Waiting to Collapse

Kaden’s memorial is Saturday.

We received his ashes a little while ago.

Monday we received his death certificate. Along with it came his clothes he was wrapped in when he passed away.

We still have to deal with insurance and bills. Each addressed to him.

Texas sent us a friendly reminder that we hadn’t vaccinated him yet.

I have to go through his pictures for the memorial.

Each month has a birth date and a death date and in May we’ll have three events. The twins and his.

Each time I wonder if this is going to be it. This is when I’m going to just completely lose it and fall apart. The straw that literally breaks my heart.

Each time it’s not.

And I wait for that moment with a kind of dread, not knowing if it will ever come and if not – why? How on earth can I physically, mentally, emotionally stand all of this again? When will my world simply collapse in on me and I have a breakdown I don’t ever come back from?

Isn’t that supposed to happen after all of this? Aren’t I supposed to be a bigger mess?

The twins’ death was more traumatic. Kaden’s was more profound. His runs deeper because I had no expectations of any risk once he was born. It’s not that it mattered to me more, it’s just very different.

Like a pain so horrible that you just have to close your eyes, take a deep breath, and not think about it much. Because nothing can take it away.

There is always the thought of, “This event, this will be it. I’ll be so upset I won’t be able to pull myself out of it.” Yet I let it wash over me, whatever it is.

The other day I sat down on the floor, naked out of the shower, phone in my hand. I was suddenly ready to see his little video, the one I made of him in the hospital for Bella. I watched it as hot tears poured down my scarred and postpartum stomach. I watched his little hands move and his hiccups happen and I bawled and curled up with it, trying to understand once again the depth of this loss.

I let myself be intensely, totally sad. So uncomfortable. I just wanted to make it stop. But I let it happen. I fell apart on my bedroom floor and sobbed and cried out to God until I couldn’t do anything but lay there. Then I wiped my tears, got up, got dressed, and went about my day. It’s never over, I don’t ever not think of all three of them, but it felt like I’d made a connection to him as his mama in my grief. Once more. After that I could be ok for a while.

I wait in fear of not being able to handle any more pain, and it doesn’t happen. Therapy, prayer, my family, a purpose, God.

Lexapro.

Let’s not pretend I’m not on anything. I don’t know that I could even function without being on it.

They all combine at those moments to pull me back out. Grieve and let go. Grieve and move on. Grieve and find the joy.

I wait to collapse, and a small voice inside me says, “I don’t think you ever will.” Not on myself anyway.

I just collapse on Jesus.

And then He gently carries me back.


Comments

  1. Oh friend. I love you. So many prayers.

  2. <3 prayers! Hugs!

  3. Thank you for sharing your story. Your words are speaking life to so many.

  4. I’m so sorry for each loss that you have suffered. I admire you for being able to be strong for your family. I think and pray for you often and will continue.

    Many prayers,

  5. Beautiful words Diana. You continue to amaze me with your honesty and strength. So many prayers and love.

  6. I think about you so often and just never know what to say. So today I’m just saying that I’m thinking about you and saying a prayer for your family.

  7. You are an inspiration!!

  8. I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers <3 beautiful post <3

  9. Melissa Lynn Benham says:

    Praying for you and your sweet family, Diana.

  10. Emily Cotton says:

    Thank you for sharing your heart. Your broken heart is raw and we pray for you, even though you don't know us.

  11. Wow, girl. Tears for you this morning. You are so strong even when you feel you aren’t. Thank you for your raw honesty.

  12. So many prayers for you. My heart breaks for you and tears are pouring down my face. I wish I could ease your pain with some profound words but I only have my prayers to offer. Words, it seems, fail me.

  13. Thankful you have Jesus to fall on and support you along with thousands of prayers from all over. The grief from 2 miscarriages (that still sneaks up on me and crushes me some days) is challenging. I can’t imagine actually seeing. holding, knowing and still having to say goodbye. It doesn’t “make it right” but so glad you & I both have 4 year olds who are healthy, love us and need us. Goodness knows that along with my faith and marriage bring me back up time and again.

  14. Continued thoughts and prayers for you, Diana. Your strength and courage to share these words with all of us is admirable. Much love to you and your family. xo

  15. You are always in my heart.

  16. Sunday Stilwell says:

    A profoundly bittersweet update from my friend Diana Stone of Diana Wrote on the upcoming memorial for her son Kaden.

    xo

  17. Brei Martin Floyd says:

    I'm crying in my tea. So inspired by your determination, your transparency, and your utter grace in this all. Jesus shines through you and your family…ever so brightly. <3

  18. Oh Diana. Your words, your heart are so beautiful. I’m sharing your tears & continue to pray & send hugs from afar.

  19. Your faith is incredible and awe-inspiring. This is so hard. It won’t be easy. But your faith carries you through. Know that so many of us are holding you in our hearts and when you think you can’t go on anymore we are all right there behind you, knowing that you can and will go on. Hugs to you my dear.

  20. Leslie Arends says:

    This is beautiful – thank you for sharing. Thinking of you and your family and sending love.

  21. It’s not that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, it’s that he doesn’t give you more than he can carry you through. Let him continue to carry you. You are always in my prayers.

  22. Sending you hugs and prayers your way. I know how it feels just to cry your heart out over a baby you lost (I just never got to meet mine, miscarriage at 12 weeks) and then suddenly wipe away those tears and go about your day. You are such a strong women with lots of courage and love surrounding you.

  23. Jennifer Willis says:

    Sending you and your family prayers, love, and light. My thoughts are with you constantly, and your strength and grace are amazing.

  24. I have no good words. Know that in georgia there is a family, a momma that had been profoundly altered because of your story. Now the most important part of my day is hugging each of my miracles hard and really talking to them. I really stop to be with them daily in honor of your boys. I pray for you often sometimes hourly. I am just so sorry.

  25. Mitch Mitchell Johnson says:

    You are often on my mind and in my prayers.

  26. So many tears. So many thoughts and prayers for you.

  27. My heart breaks for you. I pray for you often and hope you find some comfort and peace today.

  28. *tears* I’m praying for you right now.

  29. <3

  30. You keep collapsing on the One who has big enough arms to carry you forever, and we’ll keep holding you up in prayer . . .

  31. You are so strong. Thinking of you and always in our prayers

  32. I am glad you have something to take to make the pain more bearable. Maybe it doesn’t hurt any less then it would, but at least you have something to lean on, something to rearrange the thoughts in your brain so that you can actually breathe. Because I don’t know how you are still standing. I don’t know, and yet I am so glad you are. You are here, writing and sharing and mothering your girl. You are an inspiration to so many of us. We are rooting for you.

  33. Diana….I think of you and your family often…you are always in my prayers

  34. I ache for you, and send you light and good wishes and anything that might help just the littlest bit. I hope you feel the universe wrapping its arms around you. <3

  35. This What you wrote in this entry is why people say you are so strong and an inspiration. <3

  36. You are incredibly strong! still praying for you

  37. no words, only <3

  38. lettergirl says:

    Oh, oh, oh. So much hurt and hope here.

  39. Debi Nine-Kids says:

  40. Debbie McAlear says:

    I think so often that I can’t go on from so many disappointments and betrayal by people I should have been able to count on. Then I read of your loss and it puts into perspective that my problems are so miniature compared to losing a baby, much less three. God bless you and hold you and your family in His hands. Thank you for sharing your grief to remind all of us that our lives are but a vapor here on earth and reuniting with our loved ones in heaven will be just the start of the amazing riches God has in store for those who love Him.

  41. Karen Lindley Mueller says:

    Praying for you all

  42. Jeniffer Smith says:

    Oh, how you and your entire family are loved and prayed over! The Lord bless you and keep you. <3

  43. I find myself thinking of you & your family often. Please know that my family prays for you almost nightly at our dinner table. Your transparency and grace is absolutely awe inspiring.

  44. Debbie Mac says:

    Praying for you daily.

  45. I too have no words but you’re in my thoughts & prayers. Sending warm hugs your way.

  46. Oh Diana. You are so very strong. I am so sorry. Prayers for you, sweet mama.

  47. Addie Stevens says:

    I'm so inspired by your faith and love in God after what you've gone through with your twins and Kaden. I cannot fathom ever continuing to be as faithful in our God as you have been throughout your experiences. I always find myself crying over your posts. Wishing I could hug you. Your precious family is always in my prayers.

  48. i just don’t even know what to say. i wish i could’ve been there to hug you.

  49. Rachel Chaparro says:

    Your faith in God is so inspiring. Praise Him that you can find comfort in His promises you will be reunited with your babies in Heaven.

  50. Our church/school staff sat and prayed for you all this morning. I cried through the entire prayer as we pleaded for God to grant you comfort and peace that only He can give. Please know your family is being lifted up to our Heavenly Father today, tomorrow and the many days that follow as you adjust to this fracture in your family and your hearts.

  51. I’m coming tomorrow mostly because I want to give you a hug. Grief is so big, like the ocean and tides. There’s nothing to do but ride it, and it is terrible. I’m sorry. So damn sorry

  52. Oh Diana, I think of you every single day. I don’t know how you carry so much pain but you do and you do it with grace. So much love to you.

  53. As intensely moved as I always am by your faith and honesty in your posts, this time around, I want to thank you for being honest about the meds. There’s a stigma, especially within my peer and family circles, about being on meds while also being a Christian. But I am of the mindset that God gives us the tools and it is our responsibility to figure out how to use them the way they’re needed. To be honest myself, I wasn’t able to function well as a wife, mother, daughter, or friend, until I finally acknowledged and accepted help via meds while also maintaining a firm dependence on Jesus. Know that I’m thinking of you this week, and praying for goodness and light coming your way moment by moment. And hugs. And space. Whatever your needs are at the second you need them.

  54. Lots of prayers.

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