When it all hurts.

October 22, 2013

I’m sitting at Starbucks working. Never far from my mind are Kaden, Preston, Julian. Always there.

As I work on a post about Bella’s funny misunderstanding of death, a man places a baby around the same age Kaden would be today, on the table in front of me. The baby is smiling and waving, and his father walks off to grab a coffee a few feet away.

I am left with a straight on view of his beautiful little boy smiling at me from a car seat covered in elephants.

With a blanket over it exactly like the one I wrapped Kaden in as he took his last breaths.

I can hardly muster the strength to lean my head against the wall and fight back my tears, eyes anywhere but on him. I tell myself, “This baby has nothing to do with yours. He is different. You can’t cry here. This child has nothing to do with you or Kaden. There are lots of babies the same age as him in the world. You need to get used to this.”

And yet.

Yet my heart is aching for my son so bad that as I type this, minutes after the father finally leaves with his child, I am left with tear filled eyes and a writing focus gone. I can’t think of anything else but how bad it hurts and why God would allow that to happen to me today. Why that little boy? Why facing me? Why elephants?

Why why why why why why why

I have no answers. I know this is going to happen time and time again. It still does. It all hurts. Twins. Pregnancies. Newborns. Little boys. Big families. Toddlers. Boy clothes. Elephants.

All triggers. All where I can try to rationalize, “It’s not about you. It’s just life.”

But it just reminds me over and over again what I lost.

I hate being like this. And no, it’s never going to go away or get better. I just get a bit more numb or learn how to handle it.

Whatever. I don’t understand any of this.

37 Comments

  • Jessica

    October 28, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    I don’t read your blog as often as I should so sometimes days or weeks go by and I come here to catch up. So strange to read this today as just this morning I left the grocery store in tears and sobbed the whole way home after a woman and her newborn were in line behind me. It’s the look people have when they stare at their babies that always triggers me. That look of being totally in love and over the moon with their little one. The day that was supposed to be the first of many days where I got to look at my sweet girl that way was the day where I held her still born body in my arms and kissed her goodbye. I hate what you are going through but your writing is always so comforting to me because it makes me feel more normal. I’m four months into this process and your thoughts always seem to echo my own. I am so thankful to you for sharing with us. So so thankful. I think of you often and pray for you in those times!!

  • jmsummers83

    October 25, 2013 at 6:32 am

    I’m a new[ish] reader to your blog. I found you through a friend shortly before Kaden was born, and have followed since. I just this morning read Julian & Preston’s story. I knew of them, just not the full story. My heart physically hurts for what you and your family have had to endure. I don’t understand either, and I’m crying with you. I can’t pretend to know the right thing to say, so I’ll just speak the truth..I’m praying that each day you feel God’s arms wrapped tightly around you. <3

  • Karri

    October 23, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    I can relate all too well and there are no answers to share. Just more questions.

    I, too, lost twins. One in October and one in November of last year. Then, this year, we became pregnant. At 19 weeks, I went in for an anatomy scan to find out that we lost yet another child. Devastation is all there was and will ever be. Our third angel; Solomon.

    Now I’m watching all my friends with their big round bellies all excited to be having their babies while my womb and my arms are empty. Again.

    There are way too many reminders of what we DON’T have. Not sure what God has in mind. Don’t know that we ever will.

    Big hugs to you, sister in Christ. As much of a lonely thing this is to go through, you are not alone.

  • Katy

    October 23, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine your pain. But I am praying for you.

  • Shauna

    October 23, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    <3

  • Nicole at Mommy Moxie

    October 23, 2013 at 8:28 am

    If it’s the blanket I think it is, I just don’t understand how THAT BLANKET could be there. When I read this yesterday I sat and sobbed because what is the likelihood?!? And then I just asked God WHY?!? There of course are no answers to that question, but I’ll continue to ask and pray for your family. xoxo

  • jen

    October 23, 2013 at 7:22 am

    I don’t know if this is foolish for me to say, and if it is please forgive me. But maybe it was God’s way of showing you that Kaden is ok. That he is happy in God’s arms and is being loved and is no longer sick.

  • Leanne Penny

    October 23, 2013 at 7:17 am

    All the love to you, all the grace and peace. I lost both my parents before I turned 30, so my jealous is over everyone and their parents, and their kids grandparents.

    It’s hard and it hurts and I (in a different way) get it.

    Shalom sister. God will be where you are.

  • Mamabelly

    October 23, 2013 at 6:11 am

    Maybe it was just a reminder that Kaden is ok. He is with the Heavenly Father and is looking down on you. He is taken care of and waiting until you will be reunited once again. May your heart heal and your questions be answered in time. Sending you love and strength!

  • Karen Snyman

    October 23, 2013 at 12:45 am

    I came across your blog and your terrible loss throgh facebook pray for kayden. I am so sorry for your loss of your little boy. Yesterday here in South Africa, we had a memorial for my friends beautiful girl that passed after 1 week and 1 day. At the memorial service the Pastor spoke so true and maybe if I share one line with you it might give you some comfort. PEACE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANSWERS. You might get the answers but will it truly give peace. Heaven is such a real place. Your sons life is now hidden in Christ. He is still alive even though he is not with you. You will meet in Heaven again and all your babies will probably come and give you a hug when you reunite but the amazing thing is, you only are apart now, a short while, Heaven is real and even as we mourn with my friend for loosing a beautiful girl we know HEAVEN is REAL!!!!

  • Lisa Maere Forgie

    October 23, 2013 at 12:40 am

    And you don't have to accept or understand the whys. It will hurt regardless of our understanding. I have a set of twins myself that would be 13 years old if they were on this side of heaven. I still don't understand. . .
    Much love to you, Diana, and peace

  • Andrea B (@goodgirlgonered)

    October 22, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    My heart aches for you. Sending more strength and more love.

  • Molly

    October 22, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    I can’t even imagine. Just know that sometimes, when I’m driving in my car or working or falling asleep at night, thoughts of you and what you’re going through will enter my head. I will instantly stop and pray for you. Something short like, “God, please help Diana in this moment.” I hope that doesn’t seem strange. But you’re just so present on my mind. I wish there was anything I could do. Anything. To take this pain away.

  • Katharine

    October 22, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    I would like to think that baby was a sign from God that your boy is alive and well and in His arms, and that he loves his Momma very much.

    God bless you.

  • Lauren Ursillo

    October 22, 2013 at 8:40 pm

    All I can do is cry for you and hope it takes away some of your tears or sadness. Sending you so much love tonight and always. <3

  • Mrs. H.

    October 22, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    You don’t know me at all, but you and your sorrow, are in my prayers most days. We are still here, still praying.

  • Lauren Porter Rieke

    October 22, 2013 at 7:47 pm

    I'm so sorry. I wish I could rid the world of these emotional grenades- but alas, the baby isle at target, baby pics on facebook, pregnant friends… walking around Disney world was torture, I swear. All these little ones in cute outfits, sitting on daddy's shoulders, momma wiping ice cream from faces. I wept so much. Who knows what all triggers a full-out meltdown, but it happens all the time. <3 I hope your heart continues to heal

  • Catrina

    October 22, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    My heart aches for you Diana! HUGS!♡♥♡

  • Nannette and the Sweetheart

    October 22, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    Oh sweet Diana, we all wish we could make it all better and that these every day occurrences didn’t hurt so much and didn’t happen at all. But they do and they will so we will keep loving you and praying for you. I know you are a strength to others when you just want someone to come along and hold you up. So today, Lord Jesus, please wrap Diana in Your arms, let her FEEL strength, let her FEEL comfort and let her FEEL peace to face another day. And then help her to get up tomorrow and do it all over again. ♥

  • Erin James, Sweetness Itself Blog

    October 22, 2013 at 7:24 pm

    crying with you.

  • Branson

    October 22, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    Hugs, sweet friend. No big words of wisdom, but BIG hugs and BIG prayers <3

  • Abi S.

    October 22, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    Oh Diana, I’m so very sorry. I know words can’t begin to make this better but know that it’s ok to fall apart, it’s ok to hurt. We’re all praying for you and your family. Hoping for a little extra peace and comfort for you today.

  • Elizabeth C

    October 22, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    I’m so sorry Diana, there are so many of us still thinking about you and praying for you as you go through this. It’s probably not possible at this moment but I would like to think that that little boy was put there for a reason as a little nod from above.I like to think there are little signs everywhere like that for us to catch,no coincidences.

  • Sarah C.

    October 22, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    Oh honey, huge hugs. I know how easily something can trigger tears & grief over my miscarriages. I can only imagine having actually known, held and kissed then trying to put back all the pieces. This is when I get pissed off now when anyone tells me it was “meant to be.” Um, meant to be that my heart aches and I have to stumble through grief again & again even when I think I’ve finally found my way out? No, there’s no such thing as “meant to be.” It is. It sucks. But somehow we will move forward for ourselves, our spouses, our 4 year olds and our angels. Hang in there. Still thinking of you and your angels daily.

  • Pamela

    October 22, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    I remember a couple months after my boys died I was at a sports complex and suddenly there were these two little blond blue-eyed boys staring at me through some glass. Identical twin boys looking exactly how I imagined my boys would have grown up to look. I felt like I was being haunted or something. And I couldn’t imagine why God would put those boys there to seemingly break my heart all over again. I am thinking of you and praying for you Diana. I am so sorry for your losses and your broken hearts.

  • Abby

    October 22, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    I feel the same way, after losing two Baby boys in 9 months time last year, I feel the exact same way. I’m not sure if babies, pregnancy, children, etc., etc. will ever not sting bitterly. Ever. But I do believe that God is not angered by the whys…I believe He aches that we have to endure these things, even though He sees the bigger picture. Thinking of you…

    1. Tina

      October 22, 2013 at 1:50 pm

      Abby – that is so well said. Thank you for sharing that. I will remember that from now on. xoxo

  • Jeniffer Smith

    October 22, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    No, it doesn’t make sense. It just hurts. And God keeps all those tears in a bottle, and sometimes I wonder if some of us have gallons saved up. You and your family are loved. <3

  • Melissa

    October 22, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    So, so sorry girl. ♥

  • Rusti

    October 22, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    the love and prayers keep coming… *hugs* and tears 🙁 XO

  • Laura Bc

    October 22, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    I've only had miscarriages – but I've been in that place of seeing SO many reminders. SO painful. SO unessessary. SO unfair. I hurt for you as I read this. Prayers through the healing.

  • Teresa C

    October 22, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    Don’t get numb. I cannot imagine the pain, but I would hope that these reminders of Kaden are not a way of God being cruel, but just proofs of your immense love and memories of your sweet boys. I just can’t imagine the pain. I can’t.

  • Heather @ It’s A Long Story

    October 22, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    Crying with you and for you. Praying with you and for you. I wish there were words to say…

  • Alyson Ryser Ward

    October 22, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    I remember when Kiernan died and people around me would be acting normal. I just wanted to scream at these people..didn't they know how disrespectful they were being? My son had died after all and they had the nerve to smile and laugh at life. I'm so so so very sorry you are going through this and continue to think about your family and keep you in my prayers.

  • Tina

    October 22, 2013 at 11:58 am

    I honestly don’t understand it at all either and I am just a fellow blogger online friend. I cannot imagine how very badly it hurts. It seems so cruel. And then again – it is life and life goes on. But how? I don’t have any real words that will help, but just know that I am also thinking of you and praying for you. One day at a time. Much love.

  • Missy Kopp

    October 22, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    For about a year after we lost our son, every time we were in church and there was a baptism, I would leave to go to the bathroom. I just couldn't sit through it. It's hard to know what will trigger those feelings, but there's just no good way to deal with them, but I think knowing it's okay to feel and do the best you can is all you can ask of yourself. My prayers are with you as you move on with life through this pain.

  • amandahoyt

    October 22, 2013 at 11:53 am

    big tears. there are no words but you know I’m thinking of you and praying for you. day in and day out. moment by moment.
    ~always remembering~

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