18 Months on Repeat

November 3, 2013

I’ve sat here for a while wondering what to type.

I know what I want to. But it’s just the same thing. Over and over.

It’s just – I don’t understand. I want to write that so many times. I don’t get it. What happened? I’m still in shock. It’s surreal. What is going on?

what what what what what what what what

That’s all I feel like doing. Just asking why and what again and again until somehow I understand. It becomes clear. I can snap out of the confusion and actually feel like this all really happened.

Sam and I both said in therapy the other week – it’s like none of this even really happened. From the pregnancy till Kaden passed. It’s just some nightmare we watched someone else go through. A bad dream.

That’s how it feels. A bad dream that I can’t seem to shake. Not real. Not anything. Just this heavy, unending feeling of being lost and confused.

I don’t know when I will be able to feel differently, although I know at some point I will. You know. Having already done this before. 

In therapy I feel like I’m just repeating the words of the past 18 months. Going through the motions to get to a point where I start to heal. Heal-ish. I’m so angry I have to do any of this again. I sit there and just think, “What in the heck? How am I here again?”

I don’t want to grieve. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to work through it or work at it or deal with it or anything. I want to push it all, all of it, away into a corner where I don’t think about it and it doesn’t ever hurt. Healthy? Nope. But that’s how I feel. And yet I’m not doing that.

I had this all put in a neat little box. I would be Diana who lost the twins in that awful hospital experience, but then had her rainbow baby. And I would be known for something else besides loss. THANK GOODNESS. It was all set.

Then he died.

Now here I am again. The baby loss blogger. I had someone ask (just curious) the other day, “Why do you feel that you have to be a voice for baby loss?” I wanted to scream, “I’m not! Oh I’m not, please don’t think that about me.”

But what a joke. Of course I am. There is not one part of my life – online or off – that loss doesn’t affect at this point. Loss permeates everything and you know what? I hate it. It bothers me so much when someone says something about me focusing on loss or not letting go because what the heck? At this point what else am I supposed to do? PRETEND THAT I DIDN’T LOSE 3 BABIES IN 15 MONTHS? I wonder if anyone can comprehend the amount I wish I didn’t have to do any of this, that I could just go back to a regular life or that it didn’t hurt so much. And then to do it publicly again – my choice of course but really. It’s helpful and hard.

18 months ago I held Preston and Julian as they died. 18 months today. If you’d told me that I’d be going through another loss of a full term baby in a year and a half, I don’t even know what I would have done. Thank God I didn’t know.

Repeat. My words, my world, my life just feels like one giant session of repeat.

29 Comments

  • headydreadie

    July 13, 2014 at 6:49 pm

    I am so sorry to hear about your devastating losses! I am so heartbroken for you and your family. There must be nothing more difficult on earth than loosing a child.

  • Wendy

    January 11, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    I am so sorry. Whenever I read your posts I think “that could have been me; it could be anyone I know.” I wish it weren’t you. I know you help so many grieving parents. With sympathy and hope for healing,

  • Dru o-Maldonado

    November 12, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    Diana, as I read.. I don’t even know how I got here, I was doing a search an the title of the mustard seed caught my eye..only to find u, someone who is connected to me in such a tremendous way, I’m amazed how I came across this website. we have experienced the same kind of loss, & so recently, mine this August 2013@ 17w6d a girl… I can’t believe what I’m reading, its as if you are in my mind… Even our faith is the same. I thank God for seeing this, for you being able to share these very hard life moments.. I understand I have nothing to say, that will make a difference, but that I’m grateful to God for you n your transparency. And there is power in prayer n I will continue to lift you in prayer..god bless you & your family.

  • Ruth Mayer Hill

    November 11, 2013 at 5:40 am

    You know, I don't see anything wrong with what you write. I have followed you for several years now. I have rejoiced with you and sorrowed with you. So what if you are the "baby loss blogger"? I know you are touching so many out there. After all, no one seems to talk about baby loss, and you have experienced more than I can even comprehend. It's easy for others to criticize, but I bet they have never gone through the ringer like you have. Write whatever you need to, my friend. do what you need to get through this. I'm not going anywhere. I would not consider complaining. If people try to get you down, they can just stop following you. I wish people would stop putting people down online. It's not right nor fair. I'm praying for you right now.

  • Stephanie Schmiedecke Barbieri

    November 7, 2013 at 7:24 pm

    My loss is fresh as well….7 weeks yesterday to a full term stillborn baby girl Sophie. Thank you for your courage to share. I am finding comfort in your words….

  • Sarah C. (@2pawsdesigns)

    November 4, 2013 at 8:08 pm

    Thinking of you and praying for you. I can’t imagine. And, yet, I get how strong loss can hurt and affect and bleed into every moment. I appreciate your open, honest posting on this. I have posted a couple times but not to this depth on my own miscarriage losses. Somehow it seems the world views those differently. I don’t compare any loss of a child, a dream for our families’ futures. A loss is personal to each and every one. So is our grief. I believe your words here are helpful to you and to so many more than you can ever know. I wish I had answers. Saying it seems unfair seems trivial. But it is. I just pray that each day bring further healing to our hearts and all those moms who are grieving and I hug my 4yo son extra tight.

  • hannah

    November 4, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    i don’t know you but stumbled upon you for your post about honesty while connecting with God and love languages. He knows your heart, wants your heart and knows the days of your life, and the days of all your children’s lives… no matter how long each of their lives have been… my prayers are with you and my heart breaks for you. i’ve had three early miscarriages, which are not the same as late term losses at all, but the darkness, and the repetitive matter of over and over, the hopelessness is so familiar. again. prayers.

  • Diane

    November 4, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    What can I say… I know this is such a sad anniversary for you, coming right behind the loss of Kaden. I can’t begin to pretend I know how you feel or what you’ve been through… So all I can say is I’m sorry, so sorry. Over & over again. Sending my prayers for healing and peace of mind for you and your family.

    Keep writing & sharing your thoughts & feelings, even if it sounds like the same thing over and over again. It’s what you need to do right now. Someday, somehow, you will come through this and your life will seem more normal. I have to believe that for you. In the meantime, you feel what you feel and you keep expressing it.

  • Vicky Smith

    November 4, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    Of course you think of them non-stop. How could you not? For the people asking you why you focus on them, just tell them you still love them and you've lost them. They are ignorant.

  • Mary

    November 4, 2013 at 11:26 am

    I am so sorry you have to go through this, I pray for you and your beautiful family often

  • sabrina

    November 4, 2013 at 11:21 am

    I think and pray for you often…

  • jess

    November 4, 2013 at 11:07 am

    You share because you are a voice for others. It’s not about being “the” baby loss blogger. People often ask questions and don’t mean harm but also don’t understand the power of the written word as therapy, as communication, as a branch out to someone who is drowning in feelings that actually appreciates what you’re saying because maybe they are thinking it.

    You’ll get there. In time. It takes a long time and I won’t lie. But you will.

  • zookeeperjess

    November 4, 2013 at 11:05 am

    I sit here with a pain in my heart. Literally, my heart feels so heavy for you. It just doesn’t and won’t ever make sense to me why bad things happen to good people. I can’t imagine losing one baby. Ever. The thought makes me want to curl into a ball and never move. And here you are, three babies gone in less than a year and half. Seriously? How is that even possible? WHY is that possible? You don’t deserve that. NO ONE does. It’s so awful. I can’t imagine being expected to just be moving on with your life. This has changed your life completely. I’m sure it’s changed you personally in more ways than anyone knows. I’m so sorry.

  • Sharyn

    November 4, 2013 at 10:05 am

    Diana, you put into words that I for one can understand, words that I couldn’t formulate myself. Not about the horrible loss of babies, not like that, but about the end of my 32 years of marriage when he left for someone else. I know its not the same, certainly minor in comparison to your loss, but I found myself in that “void” of not wanting to be where I was. I kept repeating (to myself) why, waiting for an answer. Talking to God and asking if I came up with the right scenario while thinking about it, would it go away or clarify itself.
    I think I abandoned my parish, community and past to get away from being looked at by eyes who saw me differently.
    I get it Diana. But you can’t undo the past. I think the only solution is doing what your dong …..and then finding just ONE thing to push yourself forward and doing it. Helping someone else, no matter how small it is, may begin to get you moving forward. Just try it. You have nothing to lose.
    We here in blog land are walking alongside you, and will continue to pray for your family, We also need answers. We share more than paper and pen, we share the hope to understand the void we feel inside. You are the voice that articulates the deepness of despair and the quest for healing the hurt inside us.
    hugs dearest Diana.

  • Suz

    November 4, 2013 at 9:18 am

    To me, you’ll always first be Diana, awesome girl who doesn’t drink but listened as a chatted your ear off while drinking martinis at a bar as we made our own party. And the roomie who doesn’t eat friends hair. Hugs from afar always.

  • AshleyWifey

    November 4, 2013 at 8:11 am

    I have nothing to say- just that I’m here for you girl.

  • Jessie Smith

    November 4, 2013 at 6:25 am

    Diana, I never comment on blogs but I read your every one. I don’t know if you read all of your comments but if you read this, I just want you to know I am praying for you, Sam, and Bella. I’m not only praying for your healing but for others to allow you to heal the way YOU need too. Many people *think* they know how they will act if something like this happened to them, we *think* we know what we will say, how we will grieve, etc but we dont. You are SO strong and you are teaching Bella to be so strong. If there are days you don’t do anything but lay in your bed and cry, you are still teaching her to be strong because you are still present, you stayed to face this loss with your family. If you never write about the boys again- its understandable in my opinion. If you ONLY ever write about the boys from here on out-that’s understandable too. I’m not going to pretend I know what you are going thru because I don’t, not in the least bit, but I do know I will never judge you for what you write about or how you grieve. I hope you are encouraged today, Diana and I hope that encouragement stays on repeat.

  • Heather

    November 4, 2013 at 3:54 am

    Dear sister, Wish I could give you a huge hug. I hate that you have to go through this! My dear sister, you are a victorious mama and leader and you will see victory and you will see peace. I’m sure many times the enemy tries to steal your joy, telling you he’s won.. But Darling remember that Jesus has already one the battle and everything that the enemy has stolen from you will be paid back to you in full. I know things are bad now but you will see joy in the morning.. I have not met you but I love you and I speak joy and peace over you and your family.

  • Christy Franc Brown

    November 4, 2013 at 5:13 am

    As hard as it is, this is your journey, don't let others get to you. Only you can go through it. No one else can really understand. I know loss. I know the process. None of us choose it. If I knew some magic words that would make it easier for you, I would absolutely, in a heartbeat, write them. I so wish I did. Just know that you have made a difference! You have helped others by writing your story. I can only offer comfort in my thoughts, prayers and love. HUGS

  • Jessica

    November 3, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    Beautiful. you are loved. Thank you for sharing your hurt and pain and grief. I so wish that I could bring words of comfort or say something to ease the pain but I know that I cannot. Thank you for being brave even on days when you feel like screaming. Thank you for getting up and blogging and encouraging others even when your eyes are brimming with tears. Thank you for being you. Thank you for opening up and sharing with us. You are a blessing! <3

  • Tove Maren Stakkestad

    November 3, 2013 at 10:02 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story with us – sharing your family and all your babies. My heart breaks for your loss.

  • JusikaRenae

    November 3, 2013 at 9:36 pm

    I like this because on a whole different level I can feel what you’re saying and have been there on a whole different level. Thank you for choosing to share your story and your path with God.

  • melody

    November 3, 2013 at 9:23 pm

    I just love you, Diana. so very much.

  • Kasia

    November 3, 2013 at 9:16 pm

    Sending prayers and hugs to you and your family. I started reading your blog while you were in the hospital with the twins…you are such an amazing and strong mom!

  • Jess

    November 3, 2013 at 9:15 pm

    I can’t imagine what you have gone through or still go through, but I pray for you. Every time you post, I pray for you.

  • Amy Willis

    November 4, 2013 at 4:10 am

    can't and isn't***

  • Amy Willis

    November 4, 2013 at 4:07 am

    The mind tries to protect itself from pain. I've had 6 miscarriages and I can tell you how many times I sat there going no, this is happening again, this doesn't happen, someone must have made a mistake somewhere because this CANNOT happen. You aren't just the girl who lost babies. You're Bella's mom, your husband's wife. Your a writer, a friend, and far more crafty and artistic then I am! You lost 3 sons and that happened to you and yes, changed you. But that does not mean that is all there is to you the end. And I am sorry that someone made you feel that way. I promise there are so many people who are here for you whatever you need. Not just when you have something less scary to talk about.

  • Elizabeth

    November 3, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, let alone begin to understand what it’s like or why God would allow this. My heart breaks for you. Although I can relate to so much of your writing in relation to our infertility, our questions, confusion and denial. You’ve spoken to my heart and I’m grateful that you share so openly. But I’m so sad about what you’ve been through. I’ll say sme prayers for you tonight.

  • Amy Daniels Jones

    November 4, 2013 at 4:00 am

    You have touched so many lives, Diana. I am one of the many that have never met you but have, and continue to, pray for you and cry with you. I'm so sorry about all of this. It's just the worst. Praying for comfort for you, Sam and Bella tonight.

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