Faith the Size of a Mustard Seed

I’ve heard a lot growing up about moving mountains with faith the size of a mustard seed. I always supposed that part of the reason I couldn’t make things happen was because I had doubt. Somewhere in me, I doubted God could do what I wanted him too. Because if I just had enough faith, things I wanted would happen. Obviously.

With Kaden, I believed every.single.day that he would be healed. Every day. We’d drive to the hospital each morning, park, check in, head up the elevator, and my heart would start to race. I just knew we were going to walk into his room to a miracle.

Every phone call.

Every check up.

Every scan.

Even when he died, when the doctor looked at me and said, “He’s gone,” and he was in my arms – even then I remember thinking, “Ok God, here’s your big moment. Remember Lazarus?”

When I placed him in the nurses arms, blue and cold, wrapped in a blanket, I thought my heart would break in half from the pain and still I thought, “Just maybeโ€ฆ”

I wondered if God would wake him up there.

It only hit me when the funeral home called to say his ashes and little urn were ready.

There wasn’t going to be a miracle. I could have all the faith I wanted and he was gone forever. It really was over. I wouldn’t ever get my baby.

It’s hard not to play “what if” – although it won’t change anything. What if more people had prayed? What if someone like Billy Graham had prayed for him? Maybe I didn’t really believe. I struggle with the feeling of not believing the right thing.

Yet I know that this was all going to happen, no matter how much I prayed it wouldn’t change this:

“You saw me before I was born.ย Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid outย before a single day had passed.” -Psalm 139:16

I no longer believe that prayer and faith are measuring stick for things we want. “More” faith does not equal a better chance. It can’t – because other people who don’t believe what I do get to take their babies home, so that just doesn’t make sense if it’s all our level of faith based.

Prayer is now a way I talk to my God, and I use it to have my eyes opened in ways I wouldn’t have thought of before. To situations that might have passed by me differently.

And faith? I still struggle with all aspects of my faith. So much. I keep wondering what kind of a Father lets this happen to His children since He could stop it? I’ve heard this saying about God laying down beside me and weeping too – but you know what? If this happened to Bella and I could step in and save her child’s life? I WOULD.

Faith, to me, is now something that stays no matter how I feel. Because as Sam told me one time, “It’s not really faith if you only believe when things go your way.”

So I have my very human feelings and I work them out all while knowing that :

“…in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

There has to be a bigger purpose than I’ll ever come close to comprehending. My faith might be smaller than a mustard seed, it might not move mountains or heal babies, and it might be shaken over and over again, but it’s there. A little flame that will never go out, whether I get my way here on earth or not.

 


Comments

  1. Amazing! my heart breaks but I know that you know, we don't always understand His ways but He is. Loving, caring, all knowing, eternal I AM <3

  2. I can relate 1000% with this. Our daughter passed at 30 weeks and 1 day in my belly from a heart defect. It wasn’t “incompatible with life,” she just had to make it to 34 weeks; she had to be big enough for them to place a pacemaker in to sustain her until she was ready for her first open-heart surgery. People all over the world were praying with us and still she passed.
    This is what I wrote during that time and it echoes the heart of what you’re saying here.
    http://saramcnutt.blogspot.com/2013/05/why-didnt-god-heal-grace-part-1.html
    My heart hurts with you. I know that pain. That desperate hoping against hope against hope. You’re not alone. Thanks for sharing your story. <3

  3. Grace Park Cho says:

    i read your posts and sometimes i don't know what to say in response… sometimes i wish i could send you a hug, sometimes i just lift up a prayer for you and your family, and today, i'm just nodding in agreement with a smile knowing that no matter how big or small our faith is, He is.

  4. Rachel Lasseter Clark says:

    Beautiful Diana Wrote. Thank you for sharing this.

  5. Ive written on here before and it breaks my heart to hear you say the things you say,the bible has answers as to why your babies died and what happens to us when we die,it even gives us a wonderful hope of a resurrection ,here on earth,not in heaven,please get in touch with one of Jehovah witnesses,you can find them in the phone book under kingdom halls,there is always someone at the hall at 10:00 am on Sundays or you can just visit the kingdom hall,if you are not comfortable with that visit the website http://www.jw.org,it will answer all your questions from the bible and give you sooo much comfort,there is no obligation to join ,I just hate to see you hurting so much,if you would like to talk more please private message me!

  6. Oriana Van Der Sande says:

    Dear Diana, I just know that there is nothing I can say of do that will make you feel better. It is all your pain, yoru soul and your mind and you are the only one going through this, in your own way. It's your process of acceptance, and you have to go through this in your own pace, with your own questions and with your own faith. I share one of your experiences, and in my process of healing, I read a book that gave me lots of …well… not answers… there is still no answer why…but it gave me lots of clarity what I can do and can learn and can feel. And it eliberated me a little bit, and made me trust againg.
    The book is The Fifth Mountain, by Paulo Coelho.
    I hope you will find your heart set to read this … whenever you're ready.

  7. Diana – WE are your mountains. You are moving us.

    I have seen many people write about the "questioning my faith" thing. And you know what? That's more than okay. That's good. Questions mean you care – trying to understand means you WANT to know more. And these types of circumstances? They are so very difficult. We will probably never understand here on Earth. Never.

    But in those other blogs? The questioning seems hopeless. They seem like "I'll never know God, so I'll just be human and not fool with it." But you – you STILL have faith. I can tell that God is working in you. And that moves me. And others.

    We are your mountains.

  8. Jenelle Lacy (Living a life without Brittany) says:

    I have had those exact thoughts and feelings. I have had such a difficult time with God, and faith, and prayers. I often think God must not love me as much as those who’s babies he does save, he didn’t even try to protect my girl… She should never had died. All the tests kept saying nothing was wrong, so why was she taken? Thank you for showing me there are still things I don’t understand,and that through His hand it will all be made clear. I just might have to wait my turn for the answers.

  9. Beth Haag Houselog says:

    I love reading what you write. I feel like I could be writing it as I lost 2 full term daughters (1 on 2009; 1 on Sept. 23). You have such a talent to really hit the nail on the head with what you write. I want you to know that someone out there gets exactly what you write and what you mean. I'm not sure people who haven't been through multiple losses can get it the same way as those who have. Like you, I have faith. Like you, I persevere. Like you, I don't get the "point" of all this. Like you, I don't know what the "plan" is, if there is even a plan, and that, THAT drives me nuts.

  10. You are growing so much, Diana. Through pain, there is always growth. There is always maturity. Is it always worth it from our view? No. But we’re not the boss of this life. God IS trustworthy in ALL things. That’s always the question – is He trustworthy, even when I’m suffering, and my children are dying? Faith will say yes. And in the end, pain and suffering do not win. God bless you!!

  11. Beautifully said, as always. I’ve had the same questions/thoughts about prayer. It can’t be about how many people pray, that turns it into some kind of popularity contest. So, lately I’ve changed my prayers from “Dear God, please let so&so be okay” to more of a “Dear God, please be with this family and give them the strength to handle whatever circumstances may be coming their way”.

  12. I agree with you so much. I’m pretty sure the if-you-just-have-enough-faith thing is a lie from the pit of hell because of the way it makes loss hurt so much more. Way to go seeing through it and talking about it, Diana. It is so pervasive in our churches (even those that wouldn’t explicitly teach it). I still pray for miracles, but without all the pressure of feeling the need to pray or have faith ‘right’. God’s grace covers my inadequate prayers and faltering faith.

  13. Brigitte Jaouen Spinda says:

    Diana, my heart breaks for you. When I lost my son at birth, I too, struggled with my faith. What lesson was this supposed to have taught me? How could this happen to an innocent? Then I met someone who explained to me that each soul has a purpose and when that purpose or job is fulfilled on earth, the soul moves on. It took me a very long time to realize the purpose, but those words were the only thing that got me through my grief. All the platitudes just made it worse. I wish you peace my friend and I wish you joy.

  14. Jacqueline says:

    I’m sure God smiles when He hears your heart on this – you are ministering His truth entwined in our failing earthly lives to many women through your blog and you’re doing a great job xxx

  15. Thank you, Diana, for sharing your pain and questions about Faith. I lost my husband of 32 years on August 19th to cancer, and also lost one of my twin sons twenty three years ago at the age of 6 weeks after a month of hospitalization. As you related, I also prayed so hard for healing and recovery, and actually spent the 23 years after the loss of the baby in a sort of avoidance of religion or faith, as I thought that God either did not exist or did not care. I would have given anything to change places with my husband and taken his illness and death on to myself. I now believe that we as individuals have to learn to accept the things that happen out of our control as part of the Big Plan that we may never realize in this life. We can learn to accept and appreciate the love and blessings that we DO get from our family and friends, and also, surprisingly, from strangers at times. Sending a big hug to you and your family and condolences for your loss.

  16. Cathy Milne says:

    I'm sorry for your loss. Your words ring so true for me. I've struggled with different challenges in my life, but the biggest was the loss of my daughter. I prayed to bring her home. She is home now, but it happened according to His plan, not mine. I was blessed to know one of God's angels, to visit her in the hospital, to hold her in my arms for six months, and to hold her in my heart for a lifetime.

  17. My daughter died 24 hours after open heart surgery for a congenital heart defect when she was 15 months old. Each year passes on December 16th the date of her death and I still can hear the alarms in the ICU. I read a book after she died that talked about God sending angels to earth in the form of children. She will always be my angel…

  18. Thank you for sharing. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
    I, too, have struggled with faith since losing my twins six weeks ago. It’s probably smaller than a mustard seed now… but I hope it’ll grow again.

  19. Kimberly Loll says:

    thank you for sharing this — I love it. (I finally had the guts to click on this post and read it just now.) thank you for sharing from your heart.

  20. Mary Culpepper Knight says:

    I am so sorry for your losses. I just lost my Dad a few weeks ago.

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