I’ve heard a lot growing up about moving mountains with faith the size of a mustard seed. I always supposed that part of the reason I couldn’t make things happen was because I had doubt. Somewhere in me, I doubted God could do what I wanted him too. Because if I just had enough faith, things I wanted would happen. Obviously.
With Kaden, I believed every.single.day that he would be healed. Every day. We’d drive to the hospital each morning, park, check in, head up the elevator, and my heart would start to race. I just knew we were going to walk into his room to a miracle.
Every phone call.
Every check up.
Even when he died, when the doctor looked at me and said, “He’s gone,” and he was in my arms – even then I remember thinking, “Ok God, here’s your big moment. Remember Lazarus?”
When I placed him in the nurses arms, blue and cold, wrapped in a blanket, I thought my heart would break in half from the pain and still I thought, “Just maybe…”
I wondered if God would wake him up there.
It only hit me when the funeral home called to say his ashes and little urn were ready.
There wasn’t going to be a miracle. I could have all the faith I wanted and he was gone forever. It really was over. I wouldn’t ever get my baby.
It’s hard not to play “what if” – although it won’t change anything. What if more people had prayed? What if someone like Billy Graham had prayed for him? Maybe I didn’t really believe. I struggle with the feeling of not believing the right thing.
Yet I know that this was all going to happen, no matter how much I prayed it wouldn’t change this:
“You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” -Psalm 139:16
I no longer believe that prayer and faith are measuring stick for things we want. “More” faith does not equal a better chance. It can’t – because other people who don’t believe what I do get to take their babies home, so that just doesn’t make sense if it’s all our level of faith based.
Prayer is now a way I talk to my God, and I use it to have my eyes opened in ways I wouldn’t have thought of before. To situations that might have passed by me differently.
And faith? I still struggle with all aspects of my faith. So much. I keep wondering what kind of a Father lets this happen to His children since He could stop it? I’ve heard this saying about God laying down beside me and weeping too – but you know what? If this happened to Bella and I could step in and save her child’s life? I WOULD.
Faith, to me, is now something that stays no matter how I feel. Because as Sam told me one time, “It’s not really faith if you only believe when things go your way.”
So I have my very human feelings and I work them out all while knowing that :
“…in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28
There has to be a bigger purpose than I’ll ever come close to comprehending. My faith might be smaller than a mustard seed, it might not move mountains or heal babies, and it might be shaken over and over again, but it’s there. A little flame that will never go out, whether I get my way here on earth or not.