Last Moments

I just finished doing the dishes. And as I placed the last one in the dishwasher and wiped off the counters, I realized for 15 minutes or so, all I’d done was replay the last moments with Kaden in my mind.

It happens all the time. Repetitive, mindless activities like cooking, showering, vacuuming, driving – I catch myself unconciously replaying it all over again until it’s so painful I snap myself back to reality and think on something else. Anything else.

Those last minutes with him on the hospital couch, Sam and Bella next to me. The hospital staff in the room. My parents at the back wall. Everyone crying. This lullaby playing I hope I never hear again. They were disconnecting the tubes from him after we said we were ready and I remember sobbing in terror, “Don’t disconnect the pain meds, please don’t let him be in any pain.” Just like with the twins. It was too much on top of everything else to even have a doubt they might be in pain in those last moments. Everyone assured me he wasn’t.

Then I just rocked and held him and wept and whispered over and over how much I loved him. Wrapped him against me in a little elephant blanket. Breathed in his baby smell. Marveled at his little perfect body and how for 3 weeks I’d ached to hold him without any wires or tubes. I finally got to and he was going to die.

And that’s all I can write about for now.

Comments

  1. I can not even imagine the pain you have experienced in such a short amount of time. I am so, so sorry for your loss…of Kaden, Preston, and Julian. Praying for God to wrap his arms around you and give you comfort and strength in all those moments it seems like too much. :-(

  2. Reading this makes it so hard to breathe. He is so loved.

  3. Donna Gillespie says:

    Oh Diana I can not even begin to imagine your pain – I ask for peace, strength and love for you all xxx

  4. I have no words…. But I have prayers… <3

  5. I wish you were close by so I could just hug you.

  6. I hurt for you and that grief that you must live through. You are so often in my thoughts and in my prayers.

  7. Hugging you in my heart.

  8. Praying for you today, Diana.

  9. All I want in this moment if for the Lord to intervene and wash over you with His peace. I pray that when it all seems too much to bear, that He'll give you the strength to just be still.

  10. Thank you for being so vulnerable with us. Many hugs sweet woman!

  11. This nearly broke my heart in two. I’m so sorry for your loss and all the pain you are dealing with.

  12. Thinking about you. Just sending love from New York City.

  13. I want to hug you so hard even though that won’t change anything.

  14. Kelly Murray Gardner says:

    sending you strength and love. Prayers, all wrapped in prayers.

  15. Kimberly Cordeiro Maratto says:

    I'm so sorry. That is all there is to say. Words can't make it better.

  16. My heart is breaking and I have tears streaming down my face as I read this. I am sending you a big virtual hug and please know that I keep you and your family in my heart on a daily basis.

  17. In those last moments…you asked about pain meds, because you were protecting him…cried, because you loved him…were aware of your family, because they were there for him…felt the comfort of your husband and daughter, because they were giving comfort to him…were aware of the staff, because you knew thay were there to support him. In those last moments…you were the Kaden’s mother…and he felt it…there in your arms. You gave him everything humanly possible, in those last moments…love, support, family, comfort, a mother’s warmth. He was so blessed to have you. Be proud of the wonderful mother you are!

  18. I wrote once that I’d never prayed so hard for any baby, even my own, then when you were pregnant with him. I’m so sorry it wasn’t enough.

  19. I’m sobbing- as in that crazy hiccuping sob that makes it so you can’t breathe. It’s as if I can feel your pain and it grabs my inner-most core by the throat every time you post about Kaden. I am so honored Diana-you know why. I just wish I were to closer to run over when some days are worse than others . Please know I’m there in spirit. xoxo

  20. Oh, mama. What you’ve had to experience is heartbreaking. I know that you have so many close friends to turn to, but I hope you also feel the support and prayers from those of us who have never met you…you are loved and cared for and prayed for and cried with…huge hugs

  21. Thinking of you and hugging you in my heart.

  22. You are always in my prayers Diana.

  23. Love and prayers.

  24. Diane Keller Wyatt says:

    Sending prayers for your comfort and healing and peace of mind. As a mother of 2, I can barely imagine your pain and it brings me to tears. Wish there was something I could say or do to comfort you, but I know there is not. I can only hope that somehow all the prayers being sent for you will somehow help you through this…

  25. No words. Lots of prayers continuing your way.

  26. You have a way with words, even about the raw details, and I hope that you find healing through this. You and your family are in my prayers. I wish there was more that I could say or do, but for right now, I continue to pray for you and your strength.

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