On Waiting and Wondering.

The Good Wife had an episode where a woman who’d lost her husband told her lawyers, “They say you should wait 6 months after a loss to make any major decisons.” (Paraphrasing as I can’t seem to find the quote.)

That day was 6 months since her husband had passed. She then promptly fired them and brought in new ones.

It’s hard to not rush into something happy, something different, after a traumatic event. When you’ve expected life to change and it doesn’t – it really leaves you grasping at, “What now?”

After Preston and Julian, we leapt into adoption a month later. When that fell through we got pregnant with Kaden a month later. When he died, we had to move either to North Carolina or a new home here and we picked here. That was our big change and it was a very good one. I’m glad we chose to stay here but in a new home.

But now.

But now I feel a million different things at any moment. I feel this need to FIGURE IT ALL OUT family wise. Now.

Then I also feel like I’m enjoying the boring. I love the slower pace of life after nearly 2 years of high risk pregnancies and loss.

Yet Bella is 4 with no earthly siblings in sight.

We still long to adopt. Sam brings it up in therapy more than I do now.

I’m happy with my work but wonder if that’s ok. If I should be looking for something else outside of work.

Or not?

I feel restless and yet only pulled that way because I’m not really sure how to feel content right now.

We didn’t rush into any life changes this time. Partly because we can’t. Partly because we don’t want to. It’s still there though. A wondering of where we go now.

I pray  as we wait that God guides us to a very, very clear direction. No wondering, no rushing, no hesitation. If I’m supposed to just have Bella and throw myself into her and work and being a wife, I’m ok with that for now.

And if He decides to lead us to adoption again, I’m ok with that too.

We are in a waiting period. I don’t particularly like it. I’d rather have it all laid out in front of me. Labeled and color coded. This is the first time in my life I’ve ever allowed myself  to just be. To write. To work. To mother. To find out who I am again without a pregnancy or anxiety or being sick. I haven’t been able to mother Bella since she was 2 without being ill or sad.

2.

So I’m impatient, and I often wonder if this is it. If this is all God has planned for us, my life just goes like this from here on out and that’s all?

I have no control over my waiting time. It’s maddening and comforting. All at once. When you’ve prepared for so much for so long -

I don’t know.

I hope God has more than just this planned for our lives here. On earth. I really do. I have a hope in heaven, but I don’t know that I have the same hope for this earthly life anymore. Not in the way I had hoped for. It’s different now. Realistic.

I wonder about what people mean when they say, “Hang in there!” to me when I post about something sad.

Hang in there for…? What exactly are we all expecting to happen?

But I’m trying to come to terms with the here and now. Living in this moment since I’ve spent so many past ones waiting for the future that never came.

 

Comments

  1. I am also in a waiting period. It really is a love hate relationship. Praying for you!

  2. The Brandts says:

    Waiting is the hardest I think because you can’t do anything. You are just waiting. For what you aren’t even sure. Praying for wisdom and peace for you and Sam!

  3. I feel like I could have written this post. Kind of. Parts of it. Right after our 2nd miscarriage at the beginning of this year, I had a D&C. The next day I went and dyed my hair blonde because like you said, I wanted something happy.

    So thankful for you, your heart, and your honestly. You inspire and help me know it’s not just me.

  4. I still remember walking to the park with my four year old after my first miscarriage… trying to soak up autumn and falling leaves and golden light and her wispy ringlets. Smiling at strangers and trying so hard to be happy. Wanting so BAD to be content in the moment when there was so much to be content with. It was such a weird place, to be so deeply thankful and yet insanely restless and uncertain in the same breath. My only sanity has been to hang on tight to thankfulness, reminding myself all the time to assume God’s goodness and love for me instead of being so suspicious of him all the time. Still working on it :) Thankful for your blog for so many reasons, Diana!

  5. hugs!

  6. Elizabeth Clements says:

    Sometimes when I am faced with "Is this all there is?", life will opens tiny blossoms of new all around me. There are three days we have no control over, yesterday, today and tomorrow. That doesn't sound boring. That sounds dangerous, exciting, and like opportunity. And…I'm babbling.

  7. Diana – Your words resonated so well with me. For different reasons, different issues.. but so well. It’s saddening to know others have the same struggle, but encouraging to know I’m not alone. As we are (clearly) walking through this journey together, (questioning, wrestling, maybe even fighting etc) I’m praying for you. Praying that the Lord gives us both true contentment in Him alone — which never falters, changes or forsakes. Regardless of what he brings us in this world that we would have true contentment in Him. It’s a hard road and it feels like I am only at the beginning… but your words are an encouragement to me that it’s purposeful. Much love and many prayers for you. – Anne

  8. This post speaks to my heart. My life has taken a number of shifts in the past year including 2 miscarriages. Now my 4yo son (who has no idea of the miscarriages) has been asking lately for a sibling. Telling people complete with sad face and tone (oh, the drama in that child) that he doesn’t have a brother or sister, he’s “all alone.” After the last 15 months of trying, losing 2, getting a new job and starting to work full time again, turning 35, etc, etc., I’m just not really sure what I want anymore or which way to go. Moving forward yet standing still. Trying to determine what’s right – for me, for him, for us. My heart still aches for the 2 I never held, but I’m grateful for my healthy, sweet 4yo son and have always said if just him, that’s ok.

  9. Alexis Lyner Wood says:

    Often doing nothing is the hardest thing to do. And the best.

  10. The abstract waiting- makes you feel unsettled, not secure. I so get it. On the flip side though- after we lost Harrison last summer, we had to come to the painful conclusion that we need to be done. We have two babies in Heaven, and Reagan will be an only child here on earth. That finished decision, that certainty-it is TOUGH. I still can’t bring myself to get one of those personalized ornaments for our family, because that’s just another confirmation that we won’t get to add to our family. That it will always just be the three of us. And I love my little family- but it sucks to have your body-or anything beyond your control, as you so heart-breakingly know-make that decision for you.
    Sorry this is so depressing. I have an appointment today with my OB-GYN, and it’s bringing up all kinds of emotions.

  11. Praying for you, Sam, and Bella as you wait. Waiting in general is hard, but waiting for only God knows what…especially for planning types! I will be praying for you for guidance and patience in the waiting. Diana, your posts always impact me in some shape or form (so much so that I’ve contemplated blogging myself…but for now am leaving that door closed). Thank you for writing. Thank you.

  12. Laura Lynn Turner says:

    I actually have only read your blog a few times, Diana, but this morning I spent a little time here & it was painful to do & then even more oddly clicked on this post after lunch (though I really should be working) and just felt a bit compelled to just say a little of my thoughts on this post…I think sometimes God may want us to be fully grateful for what we have right now and to really grow during the bitter time so that we are so much more able to celebrate when life is even sweeter than we imagined. I know that it's probably easier coming from the fact that I'm no longer playing that waiting game but I've been there too. I have two sons, 19 & 14…….and then I waited with lots of loss in between and now I have my Lucy who's 16 months. She heals me & completes me & I'm beyond grateful for the gift of her life.

  13. I remember those feelings after having two miscarriages. It was surreal. It still is, in some ways. Sending prayers out to you and your family every day.

  14. Joeann Griffitt says:

    One day at a time. Thats all anyone can do. It has been years and some days I still cry and ask why.

  15. This post really made me reflect. I’ve also tired of the tropes like “hang in there” and its million versions. Like you, I’ve begun to realize there isn’t any certainty of a resolution, a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow or an amazing destination that was always part of the plan. Reconciling myself to here and now, in the moment thinking is rough but I think I’ll follow your lead and sit with it rather than always trying to distract myself. Great post… :)

  16. This is the "renew their strength" part of Isaiah 40:31, I think. Maybe that's what the waiting is for. You've seen nothing but the highest of heights and the deepest of depths for the last couple of years. Maybe God just knows you need to spend some time on the gentle plains and renew your strength. God knows I would. Try not to let the waiting and wondering distract you from the little joys of today. (I'm sure this isn't a novel concept, but I know I'm prone to doing that… sometimes we all need to be reminded to take time to be in the moment. :) )

  17. I just want to hug you. That’s all I really know to say.

  18. God bless you Diana, I think you do need time to just rest, regroup, just breathe and take stock, rushing into anything new at the moment is probably not the best………sometimes we just need to rest and heal a while and rest in the arms of our God xx

  19. Kimbrough Gossett says:

    Yup. I can relate to the #2 especially. Obviously grateful for what I have yet desperately wanting more than "just this" in the same frustrated sigh.

  20. I have been reading your blog for some time now. I can relate so much to this post! I miscarried my third and fourth pregnancies. My youngest is 4 and my oldest is 7, and I am getting so impatient as well. Praying for clarity for the both of us

  21. I loved the line you ended with ” I’m trying to come to terms with the here and now. Living in this moment since I’ve spent so many past ones waiting for the future that never came.”. I kind of feel like that at the moment too after losing Oli just a few weeks ago. Sometimes the here is so painful and the future so uncertain.

  22. I used to describe this as running constantly uphill on a treadmill… you have to keep going, but you aren’t getting anywhere. Sending you hugs and wishing for clarity and contentment for you.

  23. It has always seemed like, for me, whenever I have lost hope and thought, gosh there is just nothing happening for me – God has opened a door (or a window to climb through) somewhere. Maybe it wasn’t what I expected. But I went through it anyway because I tend to be a pretty trusting person. Also? I’m a curious soul so I just want to know what’s on the other side. My hope for you is that God would show you the way, the next step. I have wished for a crystal ball before but we all know that can’t happen. And if it did, life and God wouldn’t be the same.

  24. Waiting can be active! It is a time of preparation! Just like this season of Advent! We prepare room for celebrating the "God who comes near to us."

  25. This is the first time I’m coming accross your blog and it’s encouraging to see there are women feeling the way I do right now. In the past year, I have had two second trimester losses for two very unrelated reasons. And I am also in that place in my life where I don’t know what’s going to happen next and what God is trying to teach us with all of this. I just try to find comfort in His promises and that all happens for good {for us} who love Him. Thank you for your transparency and pray that God grants you His peace and comfort during this Christmas season!

Trackbacks

  1. […] If you’re new to my blog, welcome. Please feel free to look around, read about our lives with the tabs above this post. We are a family of 3 on earth, 3 in heaven. Bella is 4 and the light of my husband Sam’s and my life. Our most profound story is of losing our 3 sons, Preston and Julian – identical twins born too soon at 20 weeks in May of 2012, and Kaden – born this past August full term and found to have a rare heart condition and virus which he passed away from 3 weeks later. We are in the process of rebuilding our lives without knowing quite where to turn right now. […]

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