A year ago, I wrote how I didn’t hate 2012. That although it had been a rough year losing Preston, Julian, and an adoption – I was pregnant and looking forward to 2013.
Reading that makes me want to shake myself, but you know. Hindsight.
So here’s what I think on the eve of 2014 (I have no idea what I’m going to write, but I won’t edit, so hold onto your Easter bonnets):
I’m over it. This year was bullshit. I’m glad it’s gone, I know tomorrow I’ll wake up the same person in the same house with the same story but I hated this year in so many ways. We got screwed over in our family and I feel cheated out of a year I spent the majority of sicker than a dog and trying so.damn.hard to get to full term any way I could and doing everything I was told only to have a third baby boy die. This time I got to actually hold and love and bond with him before he was snatched away after weeks of pain and suffering we had to watch him endure.
I NEVER pictured that last year. Never.
It’s crap. It’s messed up. I’m so angry and pissed off that 2013 turned out shittier than 2012 even was. I can’t wait to slam the door in it’s face
I’m terrified of what 2014 has in store for us.
You can’t blame me, right? I don’t have any great hopes or ideas for 2014. I just want to get through it. Unscathed. No more death – is that too much to ask for God? Maybe you can leave us alone this year? That’d be great.
I don’t have any resolutions except not to get my hopes up.
I’m sure what I’m typing (without editing!) is very unChristian, sacrilegious, and unladylike – and if you could see how little I care so many people would be even more appalled. But I feel like just waving my shock and awe card in God’s face and daring Him to do more. Go ahead.
And spare us the Bible verses or sayings – this is my phase of grief and unless you’ve lost 3 children and had a failed adoption in 18 months you can’t fathom what this is like. I’m not renouncing God, just trying to redefine a relationship with Him where we seem to be on the receiving end of the short stick for things like – life and death.
Goodbye 2013. Whatever this next year brings us, please don’t let it be as terribly hard, sad, and soul wounding as you were to my little family. We can’t take a whole lot more.