Where were You?

It’s 1am.

I can’t sleep.

I haven’t even really tried because at 10:30pm I laid in bed and sobbed until I couldn’t breathe. So I turned on The Good Wife. Until I was too exhausted to do anything but pass out.

No more thinking. No more flashbacks. No more painful memories. Just sleep.

It didn’t work.

I keep thinking of Kaden. Of that hospital. The tubes. The wires. His little face. His hiccups and the way he smelled. I can’t shake it and it hurts so so bad. I wish I could forget just for a while. My brain would give my heart some peace.

But it won’t. Those images and smells and sounds come back so vividly it’s like I’m there. Beside him. Holding his little hand and wondering what on earth was happening to my world.

Wondering where God was as my son was dying. As he coughed up blood. As his organs failed. As his lungs filled. As he could only open his eyes.

Where was my God then? Where? Damnit. Where were you when I needed you the most? When my son needed you, how could you let this happen? Why didn’t you heal him?

Where the hell were you when he was dying? Maybe I’ll be told you carried me or cried with me but YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED THIS. Instead you let him suffer and us live with it for the rest of our lives.

Nothing can ever undo this. I have to live with these memories forever and I’ll never understand it. Ever.

Thanks for doing this to us again. We really needed another crappy year and another lost child and more pain. Thanks. I’m glad I went through 8 months of complete anxiety and fear only to finally give in to my hopes and then he died in my arms.

Perfect. Just lovely.

So now I get to lay here with tears streaming down my cheeks and not being able to sleep and all you had to do was just heal him. That’s all.

I believed. I trusted. I hoped. I had faith. I was there. Where were you?


Comments

  1. Angel Vargas Fuchs says:

    Heartbreaking. Nobody deserves what you've endured. May you someday, somehow find peace and comfort. I pray that you do.

  2. so so so much love to you in this moment.

  3. Jonie Foster says:

    I’m praying for you with tears in my eyes! I pray that one day you’ll find peace!

  4. Emily Reed says:

    I wish I had the words to give you comfort and peace.Pray that someday you find it.

  5. I am crying here with you and I agree. Where was he? Why did He take him? I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone. My faith has been completely destroyed by your story and it will never be the same. *hugs* mama.

    • Sara, sadly, we live in a fallen world of immense pain where darkness is rife and bad things happen to good people all the time. Even though we know this in our head we generally do expect only good things to happen and are still shocked when bad things happen. Jesus made it clear that ‘you will have trouble in this World’. One day there will be a reckoning and wrongs will be put right………we can only trust and obey and hold on to his promises, because he who has promised is able to deliver x God bless you x

  6. I don’t know where he was Diana, I don’t. And I don’t know WHY things didn’t turn out differently. Certainly, if I ever knew a family who deserved a happy ending it WAS YOU GUYS, hands down. But you… here in this space. Using it to grieve and tell the world your big feelings about faith and life and love and all of the questions you now have. That’s big. I don’t ever remember seeing someone else blog so openly about their grief. And God is here.

  7. I’m so so sorry. I echo everything Sara Lyn and NJ said. It’s so not fair and everyone was waiting for that miracle for you guys and THIS is what HE chose to do?! No answers, just love for you.

  8. Amy Willis says:

    I wish I had a good answer for you. Truth is I'm there myself lately. Me and my husband just had our 5th miscarriage after over a year and a half of trying and our first medicated cycle. All I know is God is big enough for your questions and your blame. Whatever happens next you can always find him again when you're ready.

  9. Powerful and oh so beautiful. I’m a woman without religious convictions so I can’t say anything on the religious subject, but Diana my heart breaks for you and your family and greatest of all, your boys. Its just not fair and I don’t know that it will ever make sense. Afterall, there is no sense to ANY child hurting. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and cry with you. I admire your honesty and strength, and this blog post shook me to my inner core. May you find peace in whatever it is you’re looking for. Xoxo

  10. Oh Diana, I am sending your family so much love and hope that you will find some sort of peace soon. It just isn’t fair and my heart is so sad for your family x

  11. My heart breaks for you. I feel for you and your family. Today at 10:48am will mark 7 months since we lost our son. With Christmas coming the pain is stronger, emptiness more noticeble and how things were supposed to ever present in my mind. Hugs to you and your family.

  12. I wish I had an answer, something to make this even a little easier. It just sucks. All our love to all of you.

  13. Oh Diana, my heart hurts so much for you all. I can't begin to imagine the pain you must feel every day. I am so very sorry for the losses you have suffered. I wish that I could wrap you in my arms and just hold you while you cry.

  14. If I could wrap you up in the worlds biggest hug I would. I’m with you on all of it girl.

  15. My heart aches for the pain you’re going through. What I know is that these precious children were souls too pure for this earth full of sin. I firmly believe you will not only see them again but be able to raise them. I pray that your pains may be lifted and peace reside.

  16. Love to you, Mama.

  17. Mandy Ford says:

    Your honesty is heartbreaking and beautiful all at the same time…prayers for some peace for your aching heart.

  18. Absolutely, positively breaks my heart to read your words. #1 because I can literally feel your pain through your words and #2 because I’ve been there and most days am still right where you are – questioning everything I’ve ever believed in. Diana – you are such an inspiration to me and thousands of other Mama’s out there. I’ve buried one son and can NOT even imagine having to bury 3. Nobody deserves the pain you are in right now. I’d do anything to carry your burden for a while. Big huge hugs for you my friend. <3

  19. {{{{HUGS}}}}

  20. I’ve actually asked God this question on your behalf, Diana. I can only echo others’ prayers for you to find peace. And tell you that I so wish, in an almost childlike way, that I could go back in time and rewrite the story of you and your boys so that you could all have the wonderfully happy ending you deserve.

  21. My heart aches for you. I cannot express enough sympathy to even touch the mountain of grief you are surely feeling. I will, however, pray for your peace. For moments of contentment. Nobody deserves happiness more than your family.

  22. Dearest Diana, My heart breaks for you! The loss of not only one child but three. it breaks my heart. I can’t even imagine what your going through or the feelings that haunt you.. And I know the answer I’m going to give you may not be one you want to hear but I just can’t hold it back. Jesus was with you the entire time. He didn’t kill your precious children but He only comes to bring life and life more abundantly. It is the enemy who comes to steal and to kill.

    We live in a broken and fallen world where unthinkable and terrible things happen. My darling it is not God’s fault. If anyone knows injustice it’s Him and His heart breaks for you because He knows your pain. I love you and I pray peace, understanding and love over you in Jesus Name.

  23. I’m praying for you right now. I’m so sorry you’re going through this again.

  24. My heart aches for you. I’m so so so sorry.

  25. Oh sweet Diana. Unthinkable. I was having a poor me moment last night missing my boy, only because he is now in his room and I have weaned him from night feedings. As I was crying and feeling sad that I was missing our special time I thought of you. I would give anything for you to be able to have your boys. I hate that you have to experience this pain.

  26. You have every right to be mad at God and it’s nothing we’ll ever understand in this life. I know nothing I can say will comfort you, but just know that you are being lifted up in prayer.

  27. Hugs to you mama.

  28. I am so so sorry. There are no words. The pain I feel after losing my beautiful can’t even begin to compare to the heartbreak that you endure every single moment. Please know that I am praying for you and tears are being shed here in Wisconsin with you. Hugs to you, dear Diana.

  29. Thank you, Diana, for being brave enough to put your pain and grief and questions of “where were You?” out there for others to read. In July, my 19 year old son died of cancer, and I wondered the same things as I watched him suffer, and suffer, and suffer some more. All the while searching for the Holy Spirit’s power to come in and deliver, to rescue from this demonic cancer. I repeatedly read all the many scriptures about Jesus healing the sick, how He “healed them all” because God was with Him. About the promise of the Holy Spirit who would live in us and that through His power we would do the same and greater works. We enlisted the most believing Christians we could find to pray, to lay hands on him, anoint him with oil, and heal him while also fighting with all the best treatments modern medicine had to offer. The healing never came. People like to tell me that this is one of the ways God heals, but I can’t find one example in the scriptures of Jesus “healing” someone by letting a person suffer and suffer until the disease was so widespread that they could no longer breathe. I’m choosing to believe that the scriptures about heaven and eternal life with Jesus are true, even though I no longer know what do with scriptures like Mark 16:17-18, Matthew 8:16-17, John 14:12-14, Matthew 4:24 (and other similar verses), James 5:14-15, 1 John 4:4, Galatians 3:13, and Psalm 91. One sweet Christian lady asked me if I could feel God’s presence with us in the hospital room while my son was suffering in pain. The honest answer was no. If Jesus had shown up, he would have delivered my son from the pain, just like he did for the multitudes time and time again. I have no answers for you, but I feel like Peter in John 6 when asked by Jesus if they [the twelve] wanted to leave him because they couldn’t understand him. Peter replied, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” And so I continue in faith, to seek Him. A life without faith, for me, would be a life without hope.

    • My heart breaks for you. Remember that Jesus also said “take up your cross and follow me”. Your son was on the cross, and now likely free of his pain and suffering. He was sharing Christ’s burden in the salvation of the world. That’s how ugly sin is. But, as we suffer with Christ, we will also rise in glory. Now as to why some suffer more than others, only God knows.

  30. Elizabeth Lovelace says:

    There's no better place to take your questions and pain to. He can take it. Keep going to Him.

    • Yes. Perfectly said. I don’t have the answer. I wish I did. I don’t have the words to make it better. I wish I did. I’m ANGRY at God on your behalf sometimes. Just keep going to Him with everything–with the anger, the tears, the grief. It’s okay to feel all of those things, even when they’re directed at God. He can handle it.

  31. Get it all out!!!! Feel all the feelings, share all the thoughts. This is your grief and you get to feel it and express it any way you see fit. We stand here with you wanting to take away your pain but knowing that there is nothing any of us can do or say to make it easier for you. We will listen and we will pray. We are here. It doesn’t change a gosh darn thing, but we are here nonetheless. Get it all out, mama…

  32. I am so sorry Diana. You are so right in everything you have said. People talk about the greater purpose, and God working good through all things, but the truth is He could have changed this and didn’t. And we don’t know why. In this moment all I pray for you is that He gives you peace to sleep.

  33. Tracie Richey says:

    I am so sorry for your loss of all three boys. So sorry. As a Believer myself, I want to encourage you that you are loved and this is not the end of your story.

  34. Leslie Arends says:

    Sending love to you.

  35. Diana,

    I am a first-time commenter. This year I am struggling with the same question you are, “Where were You?” Thank you for your honest expression of grief; it is a modern-day Psalm.

    This past Sunday one of our pastors spoke on this topic and I cried through the entire message. I don’t know if the link will work, but here it is: http://cccgreeley.org/watch-online-2/ If you are able to devote 40 minutes to watching this message, I encourage you to do so. KJ speaks to the heart and soul.

    Then this morning, in my “God Calling” devotional, today’s writing read…
    “Fret not your souls with puzzles that you cannot solve. The solution may never be shown you until you have left this flesh-life… The one thing to be sure of is that it is a journey with Me. There does come a Joy known to those who suffer with Me. But that is not the result of the suffering, but the result of the close intimacy with Me, to which suffering drove you.”

    I am learning there might be no answers in this life… there is only the Shepherd…

    Peace to you and to the lives of your dear sons,
    Carla

  36. If we could all be there, we'd just sit beside you and cry with you. I'm far away from where you are, but grieving with you just as much as a stranger on the other side of the country can. I don't know if it helps at all to know that strangers' tears are falling for your sweet babies and their mommy's broken heart. It's not as if we can relieve you of any of your grief by grieving too. But I wish we could…
    PLEASE, God, give this hurting mother peace.

  37. I know. There are no words that can make this better. There is nothing I can say or do. So much love to you.

  38. God is not the cause of human suffering. “Far be it from the true God to act wickedly!” states the Bible. (Job 34:10) If God does not cause suffering, why does he allow it? Because universal issues, moral ones, raised a long time ago still need to be settled. Satan’s rebellion raised a question regarding the rightness of God’s sovereignty. God’s sense of justice required that Satan’s challenge be given a just answer.

    “God is love.” (1 John 4:8) With those striking words, the Bible identifies God’s dominant quality, the quality that is the most appealing of them all and the most comforting for those troubled by the prevalence of wickedness. God has shown love in every aspect of the way he has handled sin’s terrible blight upon his creation. Love moved God to give hope to the sinful offspring of Adam and Eve, providing them with a means to approach Him and come into an approved relationship with Him. Love moved God to provide a ransom that would open the way for full forgiveness of sins and restoration to perfect, everlasting life. (John 3:16) And love has moved him to be patient with mankind, giving as many as possible the opportunity to reject Satan and choose him as their Sovereign.—2 Peter 3:9.

    What, though, of all those who have died throughout the centuries? Has God’s way of handling the challenge in Eden left them without hope? No. Love has moved him to provide for them as well, by means of the resurrection (John 5:28-29).

    jw.org

  39. My heart aches for you as I read this. I can’t imagine enduring such loss, but I would like to share what has helped me face difficult times. Take 5 mins to browse http://www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/questions/our-suffering/

  40. There is nothing to say other than I am so sorry and it’s not fair!

  41. Praying for peace for you during this Advent season as we cry out together, “Come, Lord Jesus!”

  42. Emily P in DC says:

    My heart breaks for you. We lost our twin sons in Oct of this year and have asked ourselves the same questions, and you have been through this hell with three babies now, it isn’t fair. I am currently reading the book “when bad things happen to good people”, written by a rabbi who lost a child (older), and it’s really helping me understand where God is in all of this suffering (even tho he’s a rabbi, it fits perfectly with Christian faith too). Hoping you find small glimpses of peace over time.

  43. I have no answers, but I’ll leave this song here. It’s one I listen too when I need to let the doubt just wash over me. Silence by Jars of Clay. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSPbYWzBG5o

    “I’ve never felt so cold
    I thought you were silent
    And I thought you left me
    For the wreckage and the waste
    On an empty beach of faith
    Was it true?

    Cuz I…I got a question
    I got a question
    Where are you?

    Scream
    Deeper I wanna scream
    I want you to hear me
    I want you to find me
    Cuz I…I want to believe
    But all I pray is wrong
    And all I claim is gone”

  44. He was there the whole time. He also watched His Son die a very painful death. He knows your hurt and He's big enough to carry your burdens. The difficult part is for us to fully give Him those burdens. Matthew 27:45-54 J

  45. Dear Diana, my heart hurts with you. I do not know the answer for why God did not intervene for you, but I can give you what some of those answers were and are in my case. 32 years ago, our first-born son was stillborn at 37 weeks. We knew before we even went into labor. Giving birth knowing that there was going to be no baby cry was a very hard thing. And like you, I asked why. Was I not going to be a good parent? Why did parents who didn’t even care for their children get to keep them, and we didn’t? Didn’t God love me? At the time and in the middle of the great grief, I could see no answers. But in the years since, He has gently given me many answers. A girl came to believe in Jesus because of Peter’s death. (long story, email me if you want it.) I got much closer to my husband and mother-in-law. I came to know Jesus much better and trust Him much more. And I am a much better mother because of the loss of Peter. And later when I lost Jamie and Teni (miscarriages) and when our daughter was born with special needs, I still found and am finding Him faithful. Not always in the ways that I so desperately want, but I’ve learned that He does have reasons for what He allows, and in the economy of God, He uses each little bit of pain that He allows over and over and over in many beneficial ways, if we choose to trust Him. What I’m hoping that you will hear is that God is trustworthy. You can trust Him with everything, knowing it will be well taken care of. And I firmly believe that He is even now yearning over you in great tenderness and love. Choose to trust. You won’t be sorry. Caring so much about your pain.

  46. Great song. Worn, by Tenth Avenue North. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM

  47. Diana – I was reading an article in one of my Guideposts series magazines today (an “inspirational” magazine company) and it really hit home to me with you. To sum it up, the article spoke of a woman whose husband lost his job at the same time her young son was in the hospital with a terrible form of cancer and she had a stillborn daughter. She, much like you, questioned why God would give her so much pain. She felt that, before her daughter was born, she had a deal with God – a line he wouldn’t cross. He would give her a healthy baby after all her family was dealing with. And then she felt betrayed when he crossed that line – having her daughter be stillborn.

    After much, much struggle, she came to the possible conclusion that maybe understanding the purpose of suffering is too much for our Earthly brains to understand. Her thought was that there are so many questions people have about God, the Bible, etc. that we just do not understand, but that we probably will once we are in Heaven. So maybe the purpose of suffering (especially suffering like you are dealing with) cannot be understood until we are in Heaven because it’s just too much for us to get here.

    I hope I explained this okay. I’d be more than happy to mail you the magazine with the article, if you’d like. I am sure this doesn’t make you feel a ton better, but I just had to share as I thought maybe it would give you something to ponder and hope for.

    Praying for you and your family <3

  48. I think people blame God for the works of the devil. Jesus attributed physical affliction to the devil (Luke 13:16). He came to destroy the works of the devil (1 John 3:8), and that’s why he healed all diseases and raised the dead. He took our sicknesses on the cross (Isaiah 53:4 –see a literal translation like YLT, Matt 8:14-16) He was anointed by God with power and “went around doing good and healing all who were under the power of the devil” (Acts 10:38). Many of the healings Jesus did required the casting out of a demons. Jesus warned that all who followed him would suffer persecution for their faith (Matthew 10:16-25). He never said the same thing about sickness. He opposed sickness and went on a healing crusade throughout the land delivering all the sick from their affliction. Even sickness unto death was no problem for Jesus, he just raised the dead. Since Jesus came to reveal the Father to us (John 1:18,John 14:9), we can safely conclude that Jesus’s opposition to disease reflects the heart of the Father.

    So if all of the above is true, why do we so often see the works of the devil (sickness) seemingly win out over the will of the Father for wellness and wholeness in our bodies? (Greek “sozo” is a very enlightening word study) That is a mystery to me. Jesus said his followers would do the same works he did (John 14:12-14). He gave his followers authority over all the power of the enemy (Luke 10:19) and told them to “heal the sick” (Matt 10:8). He said those who believe would lay their hands on sick people and they would recover (Mark 16:17-18). Peter and Paul, and some others did exactly that in the book of Acts. Oh, how I long to see this kind of power of God at work in his followers today. Why don’t we? Is it possibly the culture of unbelief that we live in? That was the case in Nazareth even in Jesus’s day. “And He could do no miracle there except that He laid His hands on a few sick people and healed them. And He wondered at their unbelief.” (Mark 6:5-6)

    I studied this subject of divine healing extensively during my son’s two year battle with cancer that ultimately took his life just this past July. I am left with many questions as my experience does not line up with the Word of God on physical healing. But I am now convinced that healing is God’s will for his children, not sickness and death. But on earth, God’s will is not always done. If it was, Jesus wouldn’t have taught us to pray for God’s will to be done on earth as it is in heaven. God’s will is for none “to perish but all to come to repentance,” (2 Peter 3:9) but clearly unrepentant souls die every day. I long for that day when all will be made right and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain (Revelation 21:4), and I so look forward to a reunion with my loved ones and getting to see my Savior face to face. I am choosing to walk by faith in the Word of God, and not by sight. (2 Cor 5:7).

  49. We are looking through a glass darkly. One day it will be face to face & it will all be worth any price paid. He understands. He let us beat beyond recognition as a person & murder His only Son. Thanks for being so open. I pray for you & yours always.

  50. Tiffany Reed says:

    I am sorry. I just cried for such a long time because I don't understand why pain happens to some people and not others. Only God knows and that will be the first thing I ask him. Why!? You are stronger than you know.

  51. as always Diana, sending much love to you, Sam and Bella… and wishing I could take away some of your heartache… continued prayers from me, to you and yours. XO

  52. lost, everything is lost
    and everything i’ve loved before is gone
    alone, like the coming of the frost
    and a cold winter’s chill in my stony heart

    and where were You when all that i’ve hoped for
    where were You when all that i’ve dreamed
    came crashing down in shambles around me?
    You were on the cross.

    pain. could You take away the pain?
    if i found someone to blame would it make my life seem easier?
    alone, all my friends are asleep
    and i can’t find anyone to stay awake with me

    and where were You when sin stole my innocence?
    where were You when i was ashamed?
    hiding in a life i wish i never made

    You were on the cross,
    my God, my God, all along, all along.
    You were on the cross,
    You died for us, all along, all along.
    You were on the cross,
    victorious, all along, all along.

    You were there in all of my suffering
    and You were there in doubt and in fear
    i’m waiting on the dawn to reappear.

    -matt maher, “You were on the cross”

    may mama mary hold you – our mother in heaven who truly understands what it is to see her child suffer and die. prayers for you.

  53. I just found #SheReadsTruth from a friend who sent me a devotional on Giving thanks in sorrow. We just lost our daughter two weeks postpartum to a rare genetic disorder. I ask God the same questions and I know I wont get answers. I am so sorry youre feeling this loss. I wish no one had to and I dont know why it happens. I know everyone says God does things with a purpose and creates all things perfectly but then why don't all of our babies have a chance at life? Im so sorry for your grief. I will keep you in my prayers <3

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