I can’t sleep.
I haven’t even really tried because at 10:30pm I laid in bed and sobbed until I couldn’t breathe. So I turned on The Good Wife. Until I was too exhausted to do anything but pass out.
No more thinking. No more flashbacks. No more painful memories. Just sleep.
It didn’t work.
I keep thinking of Kaden. Of that hospital. The tubes. The wires. His little face. His hiccups and the way he smelled. I can’t shake it and it hurts so so bad. I wish I could forget just for a while. My brain would give my heart some peace.
But it won’t. Those images and smells and sounds come back so vividly it’s like I’m there. Beside him. Holding his little hand and wondering what on earth was happening to my world.
Wondering where God was as my son was dying. As he coughed up blood. As his organs failed. As his lungs filled. As he could only open his eyes.
Where was my God then? Where? Damnit. Where were you when I needed you the most? When my son needed you, how could you let this happen? Why didn’t you heal him?
Where the hell were you when he was dying? Maybe I’ll be told you carried me or cried with me but YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED THIS. Instead you let him suffer and us live with it for the rest of our lives.
Nothing can ever undo this. I have to live with these memories forever and I’ll never understand it. Ever.
Thanks for doing this to us again. We really needed another crappy year and another lost child and more pain. Thanks. I’m glad I went through 8 months of complete anxiety and fear only to finally give in to my hopes and then he died in my arms.
Perfect. Just lovely.
So now I get to lay here with tears streaming down my cheeks and not being able to sleep and all you had to do was just heal him. That’s all.
I believed. I trusted. I hoped. I had faith. I was there. Where were you?