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Like It Should Be

nights

Nights are pretty quiet around here.

Until Bella has to get ready for bed of course. ;)

But for the most part, our evenings consist of me knitting or writing, Sam working on school stuff, and Bella playing near us. This photo last night was her playing with clothespins while talking with us.

I don’t even know. She has like a billion toys but picks clothespins. Love her.

I love that my evenings are a time when I can slip away for a while and write. Like now – that’s why so much of my writing on here comes in the evening. I’ve had a chance to reflect on the day, take some time while she’s watching a show (Curious George) and Sam cooks dinner (macaroni and cheese with kielbasa) to sit in our homeschool room and type out thoughts.

Yeah, it’s a hard thing to balance love and resentment. I know this should be different. I’m not sure which difference to long for anymore – two little boys that are 16ish months or another who is 5 months. It’s hard to juggle those what-if thoughts when it all seems to cancel out the other.

So I’m trying really hard to not do that to myself. They aren’t here. Any of them. But she is. So is Sam. My work and being Bella’s teacher. Even now as I write this I struggle to hold back tears of longing for what I truly should have – but know that I’m also so glad to still have all of this.

It should be so different. But it’s not. I often wonder if I’ll ever get to a place where my heart is a little more content with that, and not heaped with all the guilt that comes with those thoughts of “One day it won’t be this hard to look around here.”

Maybe.


Comments

  1. I can’t seem to come up with anything to write that would mean something. My heart breaks for you and your baby boys, but at the same time, I am filled with awe at your continued strength. You must be such an amazing woman, wife, mother. I don’t even know you, other than from your blog, and yet I bet you’re a wonderful friend too :) hugs and prayers from New Brunswick, Canada

  2. My grief comes from a different place, but I don’t think it’s ever not that hard. The hard just becomes wrapped up in the normal. And I do love you so much.

  3. It is different…just not the different you had envisioned and I don’t think there is anything wrong with never accepting the different you were given. xo

  4. I love you. I find myself living in a state of bittersweetness, all the time. So happy for what I have, so sad for what I don't. Thanking God for his blessings, cursing him for all he's taken. It's so hard. I wish I could say it gets better, but I don't know if it does. I think that's part of what keeps me going for tomorrow. Like I have to see for myself that surely each day has to be a little better right?

  5. dang.

  6. Diana you are so strong and truly amazing. Im am so glad you are sharing your story with everyone. I lost my babyboy October 15 2013 at 27 weeks to an unknown reason. Im am still having a very difficult time adjusting to this experience of change and grief. Reading your post help alot. Stay strong and wonderful. Lots of love.

  7. DavidJanis Steele Fletcher says:

    I truly know. Even after all these years I ask why and some days it is so fresh my heart feels like it is going yo explode. I love you. Mom

  8. Sending you lots of ((HUGS)) sweet friend, as that and praying for you all is all I feel I can do. xoxo

  9. Chelley Martinka says:

    Oh mama. It won't get easier, but time will change your pain and I hope it won't feel as hard.

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