Nights are pretty quiet around here.
Until Bella has to get ready for bed of course.
But for the most part, our evenings consist of me knitting or writing, Sam working on school stuff, and Bella playing near us. This photo last night was her playing with clothespins while talking with us.
I don’t even know. She has like a billion toys but picks clothespins. Love her.
I love that my evenings are a time when I can slip away for a while and write. Like now – that’s why so much of my writing on here comes in the evening. I’ve had a chance to reflect on the day, take some time while she’s watching a show (Curious George) and Sam cooks dinner (macaroni and cheese with kielbasa) to sit in our homeschool room and type out thoughts.
Yeah, it’s a hard thing to balance love and resentment. I know this should be different. I’m not sure which difference to long for anymore – two little boys that are 16ish months or another who is 5 months. It’s hard to juggle those what-if thoughts when it all seems to cancel out the other.
So I’m trying really hard to not do that to myself. They aren’t here. Any of them. But she is. So is Sam. My work and being Bella’s teacher. Even now as I write this I struggle to hold back tears of longing for what I truly should have – but know that I’m also so glad to still have all of this.
It should be so different. But it’s not. I often wonder if I’ll ever get to a place where my heart is a little more content with that, and not heaped with all the guilt that comes with those thoughts of “One day it won’t be this hard to look around here.”