6 Months in Heaven

6 months today, just a few hours ago, we let Kaden go to be with Jesus.

6 months.

It seems like it just happened. It seems like it never happened.

I wanted to write last night about our night before he passed away. But it was just too much at the moment.

We’d been told that Sunday (8/25) Kaden wasn’t a candidate for a heart transplant because of the possibility HHV-6 might attack a new heart. The doctor explained to us that very few people get to die surrounded by loved ones – so we were going to be able to do that for Kaden.

All I could think of was, “This can’t be happening again. And there is no way on earth I can actually make this decision.” The night before, Sam had gone back to El Paso with the all clear – and Kaden crashed. I was all alone in the hotel when I got the phone call that he probably wouldn’t make it through the night. I called my friend Jen who had graciously let us stay at her home for a week with her husband Justin and their three little ones. I was bawling and she told me she was on her way, she’d meet me there so I didn’t have to do this alone.

Then I had to call Sam. At 2 am. The same call as I made when I lost the twins. There were no flights out till later that morning and he would come then.

That drive to the hospital – I don’t even remember. I was so sick and every fiber of me screamed, “I can’t watch him die and be alone.”

He stabilized just enough – but the medication they had him on was so intense that any chance of recovery meant long term problems from now on.

My friend Jen stayed with me all evening.

Sam arrived late that morning.

My dad flew out from Colorado that afternoon. He’s driven to Texas 3 weeks earlier to meet Kaden and was there long enough for us to come home from the hospital empty handed and tell him everything turned out to be a mess instead of a NICU homecoming.

My mom and Bella jumped on a plane and arrived at 11pm that night. My mom had seen Kaden a few times briefly in the NICU in El Paso, and Bella had only seen him on Face Time.

We picked them up at the airport and came back to Children’s. All I could think about was how Kaden was going to die. This was it. Sam and I were the ones prolonging it and the ones who had to end it all.

Bella finally got to meet him. Oh, she was so excited. I can’t even hardly type this out. It was hands down the most painful moments of my entire life – more than even my sons dying. To see her little face, to watch her eyes light up as she took his little hand. She tried to cover him up with the blankets in his bed, to tuck him in, giving him his little elephant to snuggle with. She was so proud of him. She told all the nurses she was a big sister, and didn’t care one bit about the tubes or machines all over. All she cared about was holding his hand and telling me over and over, “He’s looking at me Mama! He hears my voice!”

Bella and Kaden Stone

I felt like my heart had been ripped completely out of my body. There were so many times that evening where I wondered if I could take any more at all, if I would just die right there from the pain.

I held him on my lap on a pillow, wires surrounding us. Bella sat next to me and touched his toes, his little head. She asked if she could hold him, and I looked up at the nurses doubtfully. Just getting him off the bed to us took forever, I didn’t know how she’d be able to balance it all.

“I’m not sure honey…” I said and her eyes filled with tears of confusion.

And then she said something that made everyone start to cry, and the nurses leave the room.

“But I’m the big sister, and you said I could hold him when he came out of your tummy.”

And then she did, on Daddy’s lap she was able to finally hold him, pillow, wires, and all. After that, we took her back to our hotel with my mom and dad for one last night before we said goodbye to the little boy we never got to take home.

Bella and Kaden Stone


Comments

  1. There just aren’t appropriate words…I am sorry seems so trite. Please know that I am praying for you all and asking that God would use your transparency and beautiful writing to help someone else that is facing a similar situation. God be with you!!

  2. This made me cry like a baby. You have endured so much, but still seem so strong… wow, just wow….

  3. I don’t have words. Only tears.

  4. Oh Diana, your heartbreak is so powerful, and so is your love. Sending big hugs to you and your family.

  5. Tears rolling down my cheeks as I read this…

  6. Kaden is so loved. as are all of you. xo

  7. Oh, how my heart breaks for you. There are no words to make it any better for you or that can ease your pain. Just know that you are surrounded by so many people, near and far away, who love you, and are sending you hugs right now.

  8. Oh, how my heart breaks for you. There are no words to make it any better for you or that can ease your pain. Just know that you are surrounded by so many people, near and far away, who love you, and are sending you hugs right now.

  9. Still remembering that sweet boy that has changed the world – he lives in each one of you. I continue to pray for your family, and yes I agree – no words!

  10. Kaden’s story is so devastating but Bella has been and continues to be the bright spot in it. I am always amazed when you relay the things she has said and done. I’m still thinking of you, Sam, Bella, and your boys.

  11. Niki Hansmeier Hawkins says:

    I am so, so sorry Diana. My heart is broken for your family.

  12. Literally bawling at my desk reading this…

    No words. My heart hurts for you.

  13. I wish I could hug you all.

  14. :'( It's so hard.

  15. Jessica Pardee says:

    I have no words for you, only prayers. I have cried for you so many times since the twins and then Kaden. I wish there was more I could do

  16. Ruth Wallace Lampien says:

    Oh :( tears and prayers for this family!

  17. Alison Beavers says:

    I …Just…can't even imagine. No words can even touch your pain. I hurt for you and your sweet sweet family. Tears and hugs for you.

  18. Elizabeth Clements says:

    I had clinicals today. We were in labor and delivery. I'm just a little old student, but when I listened to the baby's heart I wanted to be so careful and not miss any extra sounds. I thought of little Kaden all day

  19. Tears. The way you described it all — my heart breaks all over again. Continuing to keep you & Bella & Sam in my prayers. ❀️

  20. Oh, Diana. I’m so sorry. My heart aches for you. For your whole family. Thank you for sharing these moments with us. I hope that writing them down helps you heal in some way.

  21. <3

  22. Stormy Seaworthy says:

    Heartbreaking

  23. Ruth Wright says:

    I am so sorry. I can’t even fully imagine. I loved that you shared those precious pictures of Bella and Kaden. Oh my. The one where they are looking right at each other…..precious. Communicating without words. I bet he was telling Bella he loved her and to take care of daddy and mommy cause Jesus needed him but he would play with her when she got there. So precious. Love you and your family!!

  24. It’ll be two years in March since I said hello and goodbye in the same day to my son and it can sometimes feel like it happened hours ago. I believe you are able to cope and your wounds scar over but there are still days where the wound is ripped open again and it feels just like the day you said goodbye.
    I can not imagine being the one to decide to cut the life line of my child, you and your husband are brave strong parents… even though I am sure it doesn’t feel like it at times. I am glad to hear Bella was able to hold and see her sweet brother and have be able to gain such precious memories.

  25. Elizabeth Lovelace says:

    Said a prayer for you. Your babies and mine are in heaven singing, laughing, and talking to Jesus. I'll hold on to that for us both. Hugs!!

  26. Karri Bergren says:

    Angelversaries are hard. Much love to you and your precious family.

  27. :::Big huge tears:::
    So much love.
    Always remembering.
    Love you!

  28. I’m so sorry for your pain. It seems like yesterday I was just so mad for your family. I am still sad. :(

  29. Reading these words break my heart. I can relate to an extent to this pain as our 3rd baby was born at 21 weeks and the pain I felt for my then 3 year old daughter was so great. She too was so excited for her brother. I can’t even imagine watching her go through that a second time. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. The loss of your sweet boys and the loss of watching Bella as their big sister. Praying for you tonight.

  30. Rebecca Godinez says:

    I don't even begin to think I understand your pain and you are such a strong woman because I would have fallen to pieces. God always has a plan and I know it doesn't make sense and im sure you have asked "Why Me"? But someday it will be clear. For now I will say a prayer for you and you beautiful family including your Angel babies and I hope God wraps his arms around all of you and fills your hearts with peace and comfort.

  31. <3

  32. I’m so glad Bella got to hold him. Big huge hugs to you today

  33. It seems like just yesterday that my heart was breaking for your family’s loss. I can’t even begin to imagine your pain. Please give beautiful Bella extra kisses today

  34. I cried like I knew you personally….I cry still when I read this. I will never forgot Kaden.

  35. Nothing on earth can explain why one person would have to endure so much pain as to lose your children. I can only think that when you get to Heaven you will be greeted by much more than any of us who have no understanding of such loss. God has amazing things in store for those that have suffered here on earth and still believe.

  36. I had a still born at 35 weeks 7 months ago today I also have a little girl then 3.5 year old I remember her running in to to room and wanting to hold her little sister, and she did she was so happy with her sister. she so wanted her to wake up that killed inside. some how my mom explained death to her quite well and now she and I love going to "baby land" to visit her and take her flowers.

  37. You are strong, you are brave and you are a wonderful mother to all your children. Sending you love and wishing you peace. XOXO

  38. I am so sorry. And yet I am so happy for Bella that she has you as her mommy to guide her through this maze.

  39. Oh, my heart aches for you. My prayers will be filled with words of comfort for you & your family tonight.

  40. Thinking of you and sending prayers for your family Diana. You are a wonderful mother.

  41. Hi Diana, I just found your blog tonight when searching for information on Five in a Row. Then I clicked on this post. I know how it feels. I’ve lost two of my daughters, one at five days old, and one at two-and-a-half years old three years apart (October 2010 and October 2013). My heart goes out to you. It’d be awesome to connect if you’re up for it.

  42. Debbie Danelutt says:

    I am so sorry. My heart is breaking. I lost two adult children and I know the pain you are going through. Praying…..

  43. Kate Hutson says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your very intimate and precious story with all of us, Diana. I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of Kaden. What a beautiful life you did give him, sounds like he sure is loved! :) I miscarried our first baby a little over two months ago and I think about our Baby Joy everyday. I keep thinking that I am ok or that I should be… and then reading other peoples stories just brings me to tears and I realize it's ok to still be sad. I am just grateful we were able to see Joy once and hear Joy's heartbeat. What a beautiful miracle and blessing that was…Thank you again for sharing. :)

  44. Stacia Hamidi says:

    What a life of love Kaden had and how horrible that you had to say goodbye! I am sorry. :( Heaven can’t come soon enough for us mommies who are excited to hold those sweet babies once again. Praying for you and your family.

  45. Holding you and your family in my prayers. If only we could take away some of the pain, if only for a few moments peace for you. Hugs.

  46. Emily Cotton says:

    Wow. Bella's moments with Kaden… so sweet, and heartbreaking.

  47. Just hugs and love sent your way.

  48. Caroline Craigie says:

    So so unfair. So sad for you. Much love and peace to you all. x

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