Naptime. These two – I can’t even. Jynx loves Bella so much.
This week has been insanely quiet. We really haven’t had anything happen at all. Just the normal, day to day stuff.
I’ve longed for that.
As much as I miss Kaden, I do not miss being sick and pregnant. I don’t miss feeling “off” all the time. I don’t miss the incredible anxiety and stress pregnancy placed on me. It’s almost abnormal at this point to not feel any of those things. I’m so used to feeling like my world is going to explode any moment.
So we go to therapy. We play at home. We read and cook. Clean and talk. I’ve begun to find a bit of happiness in the boring bits I took for granted before this. Today I sat down to rest while Bella napped. Lately I’ve just been so tired all the time. But then I ended up washing couch cushions, vacuuming out the bottom of the couch, and doing dishes instead.
It’s been a while since I’ve actually felt like taking care of my home and not just forced myself to.
Sam and I both look forward to the weekends so much. We spend it together, grilling outside, taking Bella to the park. There isn’t one moment of the day that goes by that I don’t think of my three sons, but especially Kaden as his life with us really did become a reality for me. I desperately miss him. Yet life does start to weave it’s own little bit of normal back together. Enough to keep me from completely losing my sanity through this all.
I keep wondering, “What next?” but not with a worry or hurriedness about it. Just – it’s there. What happens next? I have no idea. Right now, Sam calls this point in our lives “stabilization”. It’s true. We need it, all of us. I don’t know if we’ll m one this summer or next year, or if we’ll get put here, or anything. But honestly? I don’t worry about it. We made it here, we can make it anywhere.
I am loving, just loving, the mundane of our lives. The very basics that play out every day with our routines that now mean so much more. I know eventually my heart will start to think, “Now God? Is it time for us to do something? Move? Adopt? Try again (we have no idea if that’s a possibility)?” But I hope it continues to be a trusting, hopeful voice from me instead of the one that used to be, “NOW GOD. RIGHT NOW.”
And yes, inside there is a little hope for the future, and yet a little voice that says, “Please don’t let it be something that breaks my heart again.”