I wonder.

February 24, 2014

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I wonder what these next few years hold for us.

Not worry.

Not much of that anymore. I seem to have had the anxiety about certain things taken right out of me after Kaden died.

I simply wonder.

Where will we move to? Or will we? Part of me wants a new adventure. Part of me wants to just stay here.

Will any doors open for more children?

Do I want more children?

Really. Because nothing on earth will fill the hole Kaden left behind. I thought he was going to partially fill the loss of Preston and Julian. I know now that nothing will ever fill any of the lives they didn’t get to live.

So do I want more?

I wonder if Bella will be ok if we don’t have any more. More than ok, I want to know she’ll thrive with just us.

I wonder if there is more I’m supposed to be doing for all this loss. A foundation. A reason. A cure.

I’m too mentally drained right now to even think about taking on something else.

I wonder if there is more in store for us. Selfishly, for me.

And I wonder if I’ll ever feel complete in this life.

Yet I know I won’t. My thirst for material things that I thought could bring those feelings has been replaced by a deep understanding that I will always long for more. Until I die, and then it’s a release from that constant need.

I wonder how this will all end up? If I’m an old woman knowing I’m going to go see Jesus soon – what will my life look like to me? I hope it unfolds into something I can stand before Him and he says, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” Man, I really hope that.

I wonder how it will feel one day to see my sons. I have a picture in my head of Jesus, holding a baby in his arms and two little tow headed boys running towards me. And I fall to my knees to hug them all as He stands to the side and smiles, wiping his tears too.

That’s my best wonder.

10 Comments

  • Liz L

    March 26, 2014 at 11:06 am

    Oh my, I stumbled onto your page through a pregnancy site and have been reading every blog you have posted. I have been weeping at my desk reading these blogs about sweet Kaden and your sweet twins. I cannot imagine the pain. Truly beyond comprehension. You are a blessing as a woman, a mother, a wife, a person to share your thoughts and struggle through the pain. How much easier to hold onto that pain and let it take over. You are right where you should be…healing. And you never know how much you are helping others who have sorrow that has consumed them. Even those who have yet to encounter something so painful you may be helping them later deal with the emotions and torment that they will face. I wish I could give you a hug or help in any way. I hear the uncertainty about what you should be doing. What you are going through now is more than most could ever handle. You are an amazing person. I am praying for you and am so grateful you shared your family’s story. You will meet your boys one day and your description is so beautiful. Life is hard but God is so good.

  • Karri Bergren

    February 27, 2014 at 12:17 am

    I'm sure you've received many a comment on the 'will we have more' aspect of this. For us, we have really realized that God is TRULY in control of our family size. We're not guaranteed a live baby after a pregnancy. We're also not guaranteed that we'll outlive our children.

    My husband and I just decided that we will be together and whatever happens, happens. God will choose the outcome.

    I know not everyone is ready to be there or will ever choose that path. There has been so much heartache for your family. I pray that you find a path that works for you guys.

  • pamela prussel (@pamelaprussel)

    February 25, 2014 at 6:10 pm

    You are a hero to me. A true hero.

  • Jennifer @ Also Known As…the Wife

    February 25, 2014 at 12:51 pm

    I like to think of heaven as an unending life with all of those family and friends that have been a part of our lives, for even the briefest of moments. I hope you can enjoy a heaven like that.

  • Jessica (@jessbwatson)

    February 25, 2014 at 11:29 am

    I wonder in the same way. I don’t fear what I used to, I just wonder how it all will turn out. Beautifully said.

  • Grace Cho

    February 25, 2014 at 12:35 am

    your best wonder. beautiful.

  • Emily

    February 24, 2014 at 8:44 pm

    What a beauitful picture friend. Wondering with you.

  • Jessica Wyndham

    February 24, 2014 at 4:29 pm

    That’s a beautiful wonder. Jesus has got all of your boys in His very capable hands! Much love to you.

  • Danielle Fields

    February 24, 2014 at 4:23 pm

    After my daughter passed away my dad had a vision in a dream of her grown up, welcoming little babies who were scared and confused after they passed on to the next life that died from the same thing she had. He told me that he saw her hugging the babies and telling them they are safe now. 10 years later I still cling to that vision he had and hopes to one day meet her in the air and hear all about it. I hope that she is proud of they way I am keeping her memory alive. My heart still hurts because I’ll never see her here on earth but I keep hope alive that she will be there waiting when my time here is done.

  • leakysippy

    February 24, 2014 at 4:11 pm

    This just tugs at my heart. Some day we will hold our babies. Even though a lot of times it’s very hard for me to find comfort in that, I still hold on to it. That there’s a little boy just waiting to hug me so tight it hurts. Hoping I’ve done everything I can in this life to make him proud to call me mama.

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