I wonder what these next few years hold for us.
Not much of that anymore. I seem to have had the anxiety about certain things taken right out of me after Kaden died.
I simply wonder.
Where will we move to? Or will we? Part of me wants a new adventure. Part of me wants to just stay here.
Will any doors open for more children?
Do I want more children?
Really. Because nothing on earth will fill the hole Kaden left behind. I thought he was going to partially fill the loss of Preston and Julian. I know now that nothing will ever fill any of the lives they didn’t get to live.
So do I want more?
I wonder if Bella will be ok if we don’t have any more. More than ok, I want to know she’ll thrive with just us.
I wonder if there is more I’m supposed to be doing for all this loss. A foundation. A reason. A cure.
I’m too mentally drained right now to even think about taking on something else.
I wonder if there is more in store for us. Selfishly, for me.
And I wonder if I’ll ever feel complete in this life.
Yet I know I won’t. My thirst for material things that I thought could bring those feelings has been replaced by a deep understanding that I will always long for more. Until I die, and then it’s a release from that constant need.
I wonder how this will all end up? If I’m an old woman knowing I’m going to go see Jesus soon – what will my life look like to me? I hope it unfolds into something I can stand before Him and he says, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” Man, I really hope that.
I wonder how it will feel one day to see my sons. I have a picture in my head of Jesus, holding a baby in his arms and two little tow headed boys running towards me. And I fall to my knees to hug them all as He stands to the side and smiles, wiping his tears too.
That’s my best wonder.