Coming home from a Christian conference tends to bring out a really terrible side of me.
After incredible Influence, I felt like I could have flown myself home in the air. I was so pumped for Jesus and what He was doing in the lives of the women I knew. It held these incredible, exhilarating, totally overwhelming moments of nothing I’d ever known before.
So when I came home, I think I figured it was going to be all different. I’d had a spiritual revival and I was going to light the world on fire for my God.
Reality, however, had the same plans as before. I was still a mama, wife, and still grieving the son I’d just lost the month before. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be home or was dissatisfied with my life, but I kept thinking that my passion would change everything. We’d sell it all and move to Ethiopia or I’d go to seminary. Maybe I’d be this amazing, Bible knowing, praying-in-the-corner-with-my-apron-over-my-head kind of woman.
I don’t even own an apron y’all. But I did think about buying one just for that reason.
And to my shock, no one around me seemed to get that. Sam wasn’t interested in moving to Africa for no apparent reason I could tell him. Bella just wanted to eat and yell at Charlie about looking at her. They just wanted to snuggle and watch movies and I loved that but inside I was like, “IN AFRICA THEY DON’T HAVE MOVIES.” I felt very irritated no one seemed to realize how I needed to change the world.
What I forgot was – I was Diana at the conference and at home. I came back to my own brokenness, grief, and anger to deal with still.
I’ve spent since then really working on those emotions. To channel that passion into something that is used for God’s glory while realizing that His plan is for me to be here. Not to have some radical lifestyle change and avoid what needs to be dealt with in my own Christian walk.
So the IF: Gathering was different in coming home because of the intensity I’d had at Influence. I was aware of being all about Jesus for 2 solid days with incredible music and worship, motivational women who spoke, friends that wanted to share about deep things. I had to remind myself that while someone might leave and shake up their world, it was ok for me to go home and make some quiet changes in being closer to a God I still haven’t found after losing Kaden. It’s ok for me to go home and be a mama, wife, and try my best to show my family the love of Christ before I show others.
These are beautiful, breathtaking, beyond incredible conferences that have life-changing things happen at them. I love going and being a part of a group that loves my Jesus. I love seeing the stories after of how the waves of the conference branch into ripples that just keep going out into the world. Maybe one of these days, that will be us. We will be those people who feel that huge call. I’m open to that if God wants it.
Until then, I’m working on making myself whole again in small ways from others big dreams shared with me.