Lent, Discouragement, and He Who Shall Not Be Named

Lent 2014

Two weeks into Lent and I’m a bit discouraged.

Not with the reading part. I miss reading books but I haven’t touched one since Lent began. I definitely read more in my Bible at first.

Then something happened.

It was like the more I read, the more hopeless I began to feel. The more time I spent with God, the more questions I started to have and the less things made sense. In fact, I just began to feel a little more angry that God allowed (yes, He allowed it)Β me to go through this kind of loss again. And now it’s all messed up even more and everything just seems – hopeless.

So I’m not really sure what to do at this point. I feel like the automatic answer would be, “Just keep reading! Keep trusting! God will speak to you!” But…

To be honest – I get so tired of reading the same upbeat advice on this path I’ve been put on. The posts on how everyone gets grace for everything, God’s love just pours down, everything happens just right because so many people prayed – so God answered! Just like they wanted! Yay! – blah blah and I’m left wondering, “What about me? What about my prayers? What about our family, my daughter, my heart?”Β 

I can’t even tell if good things come my way and it might be just another hurdle for me to climb to a disaster or a real blessing. I am so hesitant to trust anything because I don’t want my heart broken again.

This isn’t me asking for answers or advice. There are no answers. None. I just need understanding. I’m at the point where Job was when his friends just sat with him; “The Greatest Therapy Session Ever.” No words, no anything. They were just there to be with him.

You know what I think this all is? I’ve given my life to Christ. Fully. Every day I start by thinking, “I’m yours. Whatever you want my life to be, for me to do for Your Glory – take it. I’ll mess up along the way but use that too.”

No one likes to talk about Satan (I don’t mind it but I seem to be the minority). In our Christian culture he’s become He Who Shall Not Be Named. Which is terrible. He’s been defeated – still powerful and still at work but defeated. He probably doesn’t like my little morning mantra. I’m not much, I am just a mom who didn’t finish college (dropped out at the end to write on here), lives in El Paso, complains and whines about life, likes to eat a few too many Girl Scout cookies, and is a full time sinner Β (40+ hours a week) – but I’m sure he knows God could do a great work with me if He chooses.

Maybe these feelings of inadequacy, discouragement, and constant struggle for any hope are the big ways that I can be kept from truly being used for the work of God. Maybe not – but maybe so.

Whatever this all is, it doesn’t matter. I’m still His – though He slay me.

Or though I feel a little confused and angry about life.

That’s not as catchy though.


Comments

  1. I completely understand every word you wrote. For me, even if God came down right now and explained the ‘why’, I still don’t think it would be any easier to understand or any less hurtful this side of heaven. Satan does his darnedest to destroy us at every single level. “Help me Lord ’cause I don’t understand Your ways. The reason why, I wonder if I’ll ever know. But even if You told me, the hurt would be the same…”

  2. Completely understand, friend, thank you for being soooooooo honest during your journey although it’s not where you want to be you’ve used this to let people know that you’re real and your relationship with God is a real relationship with difficulties.

    Advice (but you can ignore):
    Reading the books of knowledge (Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and Song of Solomon) have really helped in those times of desert feeling after my multiple pregnancies, but that is me, God could be using this time differently for you.

    I am praying for you, your heart, your family and your sweet Bella.

  3. Yes. Discouraged. Watching everyone “win” at life while you’re drowning. Totally get it. Not believing that God could do something good in your life because of all the bad? I’m there. Hugs?

  4. Amen. Currently going through very unexpected medical issues with our son and have the same thoughts on a daily basis. Thanks for being real all. the. time. It’s refreshing.

  5. Oh Diana! I feel you. I doubt.all.the.time. Sometimes nothing makes sense. Bible verses of hope seem like salt added to open wounds. I cringe when people say, “God is good,” when they get the blessing..and I know He is good. .life is just hard. I tell you only so you know you aren’t the only one struggling with God. I pray your community will rally around you like you need right now in this season.

  6. As everyone else said, I completely understand and you are not alone. I know it feels like you’re alone, and of course you’re carrying your own struggle, but know that we readers care. After our loss, I guess my husband finally felt like he could share our pain with our next door neighbor and I was glad he was finally able to get it out. Then a few days later that same neighbor’s wife called and asked if she could drop by and I said of course. She came carrying beautiful flowers and she gave me a beautiful glass angel. She didn’t offer me any of the regular comebacks (you’ll have another, it’s going to be okay, put your faith in God, etc). To this day I feel like this nice woman who barely knows me understood more than my parents, my in laws and friends. She didn’t offer an explanation–all she did was hold my hand. I still question God for taking our first baby, but I tell myself that at least whenever another woman in my life goes through something similar I will be the one to truly understand and offer her a silent embrace or just hold her hand. Remember you’re not alone.

  7. I completely understand how you feel! Sometimes God’s plan does not make sense… I recently had a miscarriage at 14 weeks and feel so angry and sad. I keep asking… “Why?” I talked to a priest and he said it is ok to be angry with God and to just ask for him to help you cope. Through the darkness there is light.

  8. Mary Lichlyter says:

    Have you ever read C. S. Lewis’s A GRIEF OBSERVED? He wrote is after the death of his wife, and he said, basically, some of the same things you’re saying.

  9. Cindy Stephens Cruz says:

    Amazing post. Thank you!

  10. I was going to suggest that maybe you’re reading the wrong part of the Bible. Maybe Job, Lamentations, or the Passion would speak to you more right now. I believe giving God everything you are and have for His Glory is exactly the right approach, and I’m sure the devil isn’t happy about it. He always tries to discourage us in the pursuit of good.

  11. I know people have given you like a billion suggestions on things to do, read, etc. but I just really felt God put on my heart to tell you to read the ‘Experience God’ book/study. I’m a follower but this is my first time commenting (on any blog, really) but I just felt it needed to be said. I don’t know you, personally. Chances are I’ll never even shake your hand, but I want you to know I pray for you. I pray for your heart, and your sweet little girl, and your anger & fear & resentment. I pray for peace. And for future hopes realized. I know you (or me, or anyone) doesn’t understand the why, and probably never will, but, it’s sad & unfair this happened to you. God is the same God He was the day before the twins, as He is today. I’m praying. And as cliche as it may be, if I could ever offer you anything, I’m ready, willing and able.

  12. Kimbrough says:

    A quote I read today that sort of “fits” here is “Trust is not a natural response, especially for those who have been deeply wounded.” While I can admit it can be exciting to not know what the future holds, it can certaintly be equally terrifying. I am trying my dogonedest to trust that it will all work out, so long as I strive to seek Him first.

  13. “I do believe but help me in my unbelief.” Mark 9:24. A place I have been in my life. I didn’t want to be there but I was. I pray that you will be encouraged.

  14. Honestly, I don’t know how you do it. How you remain in faith, how you open that Bible with good intention and still believe. And I think you need to give yourself permission to be human and imperfect. Sometimes we just need to vent our frustration, and not necessarily get an answer or a solution. Because as others have said, the hurt and the pain remain.

    All we can do is let you know that there are people out here in prayer for you, asking God to walk with you, comfort you, bring peace to you.

  15. I’m here. <3

  16. Jennifer says:

    He does use you. Just in the little time that I have read your blog, I have been inspired and encouraged. It’s hard to explain, but the way you write is very honest and real.

  17. I read this today and thought of you (my friend even though we’ve never met) so I wanted to share it with you.
    http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/jesus-mourns-with-you/

  18. Caroline Craigie says:

    Matthew 27:46 & Mark 15:34 My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?

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