What if you give your life to Christ – and your world crashes in?

Before I really and truly gave my life to Christ nearly 4 years ago this summer, I was terrified of doing so. I was so afraid that something would happen to me if I did. Something terrible. I don’t know why, but I felt as if saying those words could seriously change things.

Never mind that Sam and I fought all the time. Our marriage was strained. We had barely any money and our home was about to be lost.

I feared that if I handed my soul to Jesus, life would hurt more.

And it has.

So here’s the thing, looking back on everything that’s happened since then:

I don’t know if it all would have happened anyway. I don’t know if maybe that night, with my mom by my side, my heart was stirred by a God who saw what was headed my way in a few years and desperately wanted to be by my side for it all. To guide me to friends, places, and situations that would prepare me for the loss of my children, twice over.  To give me strength to guide Bella losing 3 brothers. To help me tell my husband twice that his sons were going to die.

Or if like Job, He just decided to let my life fall to pieces to prove my words.

You might pick one, but we truly don’t know.

I wonder how all this would have been had I hardened my heart that night? Shut those whisperings out that I was just as lost, if not more so, than anyone else. I ached for my life to change, to have meaning. It does. I would never go back to the girl I was 4 or more years ago. Ever.

But such a price.

With a small glimmer of hope on the horizon for things I can barely let my heart and mind dwell on, I find myself once again asking, “What if?” What if I take a plunge and it all falls apart again? You might think that’s no way to live, but neither is taking the plunge and then holding your child while he takes his last breaths.

When we pray for God to shape and mold us, we are the clay, we give our lives to Him, do what you will with us – do we mean it? Is faith real if it’s only when we get what we want?

What if you give your life to Christ and your world crashes in? 

I don’t know. But I do know this – I’d rather have walked this rough path with my Savior than walked an easier one alone. 

 


Comments

  1. I think it was the first. After I lost the first two of my trio I was still very strong in my faith. I held onto Him so tightly. But a few months later as I held the last of my trio as he died I fell apart. I was so angry with God. I questioned his very existence….for a long time. Why would such a loving God do this to me? Why would he make me endure 89 days of pure NICU hell just to take him too. Why not take them all at once and spare me all that misery. And after I was able to get past all that anger I realized something. For me, my faith returned because there is no way as a human that I could have survived all of that without Him carrying me through it. No way. So I think He knew what laid ahead and was there to carry you through it. ♥♥♥

  2. A hug for you. I pray for you daily as I am sure many do. I hope in those dark moments you feel it and I hope you one day are able to dream with our fear again. Those desires of your heart have a path that I have faith in.

  3. I hear you, Diana. Before I became a follower of Christ I knew too much and too little, so to speak. I mean, I'd read the books about this man who surrendered himself to God and was trashed by all his family and friends – or about that woman who became a Christian and then lost one child to major illness and another to a house fire. Wasn't God supposed to take care of us? What kind of care was that? Who would sign on for that? But He signed me on – and things happened. Of course, He's not pulling the wool over our eyes. He addresses all that in His Word – but I didn't know it because I'd never read more than a couple of verses at a time. Well, there have indeed been "Not my will but Thine be done" times. They've been awful. I will not go into detail. "Is faith real only when we get what we want?" That's an essential question. You posted a good C. S. Lewis quote. Here's another one (it's from Screwtape): "Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our [Satan's] cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring but still intending to do our Enemy's [God's] will, looks around upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."

  4. encouraging

  5. Thank you for your post! I was uplifted.

  6. Jeniffer Smith says:

    Our situations have been vastly different over the past five years (well, five years in May), but it has been one tragedy of sorts after another. From miscarriages to job insecurity to my own parents’ divorce after 26 years of marriage and 23 years in the ministry, it’s been a long, hard ride. But. God is faithful. Even when I’ve doubted, been angry at Him, questioned everything about Him, and refused to talk to Him because of all the pain. In the past month, He has given me hope like no other as I’ve watched my mom turn back to Him and seek restoration in her relationships. He certainly isn’t done working! Even through all of the hurt and pain, I wouldn’t change how my faith has matured in the past few years for anything. <3

  7. Erin Perry says:

    Your conclusion is perfect. You're right that we don't know if it would have happened anyway or if it happens because. All we know is Who will help us and where we will eventually end up. I always feel like I am closer to God in the hard times.

  8. You are absolutely amazing; you inspired me to re-examine my faith and be ok with talking to God instead of asking or begging for things to happen.

  9. Caroline says:

    Same thing happened to me. When I finally gave in and said ‘God, I trust you with EVERYTHING’ – bad stuff happened. Still trying to understand. But another thing I wanted to add to this: never forget that bad things NEVER come from God. He is perfect, it is impossible for Him to do anything mean. Bad stuff is always and only from the evil side. Sure, God can allow or not allow the bad things – but He can never be blamed for causing them.

    • ChristopherC says:

      Ever since I was baptized in late 2013, I have been suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Chronic Depression. I bought a house and the responsibility and lack of confidence in myself caused me to sell it 4 months after purchasing it taking a $20,000 bath. I realized that I don’t want to live alone and had a major panic attack that still
      hasn’t gone away. I’ve always lived with someone. I have been reading the Bible, going to Church, using positive self talk, watching Joyce Meyer on YouTube. I’ve also been put on Sertraline (Zoloft) and Alprazolam (Xanax). I’ve been on the Zoloft for almost 4 months and my psychiatrist keeps increasing the dosage because it’s not working yet. Every time the dosage is increased it gets worse before getting better. I’m on 150mg of Zoloft a day now. Started at 25mg a day, then went to 50mg, then went to 100mg, now I’m at 150mg and I’m wondering if it will ever start working. I must have faith in God, right? My faith wanders, however, and I start to think I’ll never get better. I lost my dad 2 years ago. My mother is 73. I don’t know what I’m going to do when she is gone. I find very little joy in life right now. I keep praying to God in Jesus’ name, but does he hear my prayers if I lack faith? I feel like I’m being tested and grown, but I don’t even like my career anymore and I’ve become a bit agoraphobic. I’m unemployed at the moment and have some job opportunities, however when I think about working the anxiety sky rockets and I get paralyzed with fear. The “flight or fight” response won’t turn off until late at night when I finally fall asleep.

      I have to have faith in God that he has a plan for me. I know I do. If I could just give all my cares and anxieties to him, like it says in Proverbs 3:5, Philippians 4:13, and 1 Peter 5:7, I would be anxiety free and not have a care about how tomorrow will turn out because of faith. How do I grow my faith?

  10. Beautifully said. Same here. <3 I often wonder too, but looking back I cannot imagine this life without him. I think I personally (to my own shame) take so much of that peace he's given me since I got saved at 17 for granted sometimes.

  11. Wow needed to hear this and praying you and your family have continued comfort.

  12. This is exactly how I feel. I feel like you are saying the exact words I have been thinking…my husband and I have lost 4 babies. And at times I wonder…would this have all happened if I wasn’t a believer…if I wasn’t so faithful. Then on the flip side I have to ask myself…if it wouldn’t have happened (if I wouldn’t have lost my babies but also wouldn’t have had God by my side), would I have gone back and done it another way? I choose God…even through tears.

  13. Your words are very thought provoking. Grief causes us to want to cast blame somewhere. It seems only fair that someone be at fault for such a painful feeling. But the truth is that a loving God who gave his own son in behalf of mankind grieves at such losses too. Holding each child or loved one in his memory waiting to return them to us when Matthew 6:10 is fulfilled. We pray for his kingdom to come here on earth as it is in heaven. It is so encouraging to see someone who has experienced an such unfair amount of sadness still find joy and happiness in Gods word. Thank you for sharing your experience.

  14. This is beautifully written

  15. this touches close to home. i have a 4 year old boy, and a precious 9 month old girl. between them, i had 3 miscarriages… one after the other. when i had the first, as hard as it was, i moved on fairly quickly. when the second and then the third was lost… i was brought to my knees. wow. thankfully, i knew the truth that God is GOOD and He did not cause those miscarriages… He wept with me. i grew so much through that time, but it was a dark time. He held me so close during that time… “Praise became my weapon against grief.” Praise God we were given our feisty, happy little rainbow baby girl. what a blessing.

  16. Jamee Archer says:

    This gives me so much hope. Thank you for all the posts you've shared. You are such an inspiration.

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