Because They Lived

Two years ago yesterday I posted this in a private FB group:

2014-04-28 07.35.10

I don’t remember much about those first few days in the hospital. In fact, I’ve never gone back to read one post I wrote during that time. 2 years and I’ve linked to them, but never read. It’s still that painful.

Looking back, I can see the PTSD that spiraled from being there and treated so awfully in both hospitals. I understand how people didn’t get why I acted the way I did after the boys died, because sometimes I don’t even get it – but that doesn’t excuse the treatment fromย people in our life. I didn’t have a lot of PTSD with Kaden’s time at the hospital. The doctors were kind, the nurses were helpful, everyone wanted him to live.

With the twins, everyone just wanted me to leave.

I’m still pretty freaked out by the thought of going to or taking Bella to the dr. I still have flashbacks to those first days of trying so hard to understand what was probably going to happen. Out of nowhere, usually a few times a month, I have the sensation of my water breaking like it did with them.

Twin pregnancy announcements still send me reeling. I find myself thinking over and over, “Why not my sons? Why couldn’t they have grown up?” And wondering what life would be like with identical twins. What would they be doing now? Would Preston be rambunctious like he was inside me – Julian more quiet and laid back?

I still don’t understand why I held onto them for a week. I can’t comprehend the fact that they died –ย died in my hands and on my chest. They died – as in the same that Kaden did, that my grandpa did, that millions of people do. Just like a tiny person, they died. That fact stuns me to my core and brings tears to my eyes. It was truly death, which so many of us are downplayed at that stage. Like it wasn’t really a life, so it wasn’t really a death.

It was. They were alive.

I haven’t gone through the hospital things or looked at any pictures besides the one of each of them on here since Kaden died. Because my brain still can’t comprehend that fact. All three of them are gone. All three. All the worrying. All the reassurances. All the precautions. All the tears and sleepless nights and pain and remembering and trying so hard to be ok at the doctor.

All gone.

I just write and write because I still hope that one day it just solves itself in my head. Clicks. It never will but it helps to have it all out once again.

2 years on Saturday. 24 months of grief and grief again. When will it end? Will it? I worry that Bella or Sam is next. That God will just let the ball keep rolling in my life. Why not? I certainly begged hard enough to keep Kaden, even before he was sick. I don’t know, but I keep a hope close to my heart that He listens and no matter what life has in store, He provides me the strength to keep going.

People say, “I couldn’t do it, I don’t know how you have” – I haven’t. If I didn’t have Christ in my life, I would be a much bigger mess than I am now. I can’t do this, it’s the most painful thing ever. But somehow, there is hope and strength from Him that keeps me going, keeps me being a mama to Bella, and wife to Sam. Maybe not the best, but at least I’m trying.

Preston and Julian

My tiny little boys that never got to see their family – you are so loved and missed. You were so wanted. I hope wherever you are, it’s simply wonderful. I hope that somehow you know how much we still grieve for your short lives here. I will miss you until the day I die and see you again. What a wonderful moment that will be.

IMG_3933

 


Comments

  1. Diana, all I can say is that you are always in my prayers. God puts you on my heart so often and I just wanted to let you know that for what it’s worth, you are prayed for and hoped for every day. You have amazed me moment by moment, in strength and weakness, and always in faith. Sending so much love from this reader who doesn’t speak up often, but prays for you and your family all the time. Hold fast.

  2. No true words of comfort sister, but know he loves you…and by you sharing your story and the after effects of loss have filled the cracks in other Mothers heart’s who has lost. It has helped them feel so not alone in those moments of feelings. You are a profound woman and God is using your voice to speak light from that tragedy that you have lived and it my love is bennifiting others, even in those moments of pain, hurt, sorrow and tears that you had or have. Love You and I am so greatful that I’ve gotten the chance to know you as a sister in Christ, a friend and fellow mother.

  3. Dear Diana,
    I can feel the pain you still have…I live inTunisia and the hospitals are awfull,it s too long to write here in this comment what happende to me…in 2011, the first baby died and they treated me like a stone,I suufered in hospital for months because they fdid a catastrophic IVG…2012 , another baby died after ‘ months in my belly..another IVG….Now I ve got another “fibrome” and waiting for my anapath…I m so sad, not because I m sick, but there is nobody here to comfort me,I m still living with my babies in my heart and in my soul.Can t forget them..even if I ve got 2 boys (big boys)and I love them so, I m still thinking that a day I will meet the 2 other boys.Sorry if my english is not so perfect, Im a tunisian/finnish citizen , I talk 7 languages but my current one is french, and everhow, my heart is open for you…I understand whet you feel, and when there is someone who feel the same,we two are not more alone.
    Helena

  4. I am a regular reader but not a commenter. I just wanted to say that I am praying for you, right now. For your family. For your heart to heal enough that the pain will reduce a bit. Take care. <3

  5. Praying… And sending lots of hugs!

  6. mia81986 says:

    Diana, if you haven’t already, please read, Heaven is For Real. It’s life changing.

  7. My heart has broken into a million pieces for you. Know this, God will only give you grief the He knows you can handle. With that being said, you are the strongest woman I have ever known (though I don’t know you personally). Diana, after reading many of your blog posts, you and I are alike in many ways. You will be in my prayers. Hugs Momma!

  8. Emily K. Reed says:

    I remember that's how I found you was when you hospitalized with the twins. I can't even imagine your pain, and you and your family will continue to be in my prayers. I know I will never forget Julian, Preston, or Kaden. I will always remember your boys. Their short lives touched mine.

  9. My pastor’s wife sang this Sunday morning and it’s a great reminder to all of us. Here is just the 1st verse and chorus. My prayers and love to you today!

    Blessings by Laura Story

    We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
    Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
    We pray for healing, for prosperity
    We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
    And all the while, You hear each spoken need
    Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

    ‘Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
    What if Your healing comes through tears
    What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
    What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

  10. Oh Diana. I remember those days and those posts. My heart broke with you and for you. I prayed every day, that by some miracle, you would hang on til 24 weeks or farther. And I cried. And then with Kaden, I could not believe the injustice of it all. I am angry that a mother who wanted her children so badly was robbed of this. I hurt too.

    It’s been just over two years since I lost one of my own twins. I am also torn up when I hear of others pregnant with twins. Of course, I never want anything bad to come out of it, but I always wonder – why didn’t both of my twins live? And then I feel guilty because at least I have ONE.

    It just sucks. Plain and simple. It sucks. And it makes me mad. And I hate feeling guilty that I feel sad, but I also hate that I feel sad when I am blessed… it’s just a real crapfest isn’t it?

    One thing is true though. You are loved – and are beloved, by so many complete strangers around the world. Your voice, your stories, your pain… they opened the door for many others to talk openly about their own stories.

    Truthfully, it was after I read your honest words that I finally had the courage to start writing about my own story, so thank you for that.

    I wish they had been more kind to you in the hospital. But we can teach them by speaking up about it.

    all my love,

    Alexa

  11. I’m always in awe over the amount of faith you still hold given the terrible hand you’ve been dealt not once but twice.

    I’ll never forget where I was when I heard that your water broke, that Preston and Julian had passed, that Kaden was sick and then that he had passed. I’ll simply never forget them. They were people and they did live.

    All my love to you, Sam, and Bella.

  12. Tears come to my eyes for your pain. For the pain of loss. All the loss. Thank you so much for sharing, Diana, and for sharing your hope in Christ. Our redeemer lives!

  13. Dawn Jones says:

    Bless you in this journey. I had a twin pregnancy, and my water broke at 23 weeks. My outcome was different, but I understand what you are saying. It is no different if your child dies at 18 minutes or 18 years. You have still lost a child. Thanks for telling and sharing.

  14. Diana, I didn’t know you (yet) with Preston and Julian’s birth, but I did with Kaden’s. I begged God, along with you, more than I begged and prayed for God to save my mom; I was only fourteen and yes He took her. I thought that maybe there was an art to begging and petitioning a big, big God, but there wasn’t. I know he heard all of our petitions, but I more fully know now that His ways are not ours. While I was doing all this begging for Kaden, my sister was diagnosed with cancer, yet I remained begging for the Stone family! We’ll never understand, right along with you. Thank you for allowing us to still see the transparent you so that we can continue to uphold you. <3

Leave a Reply