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Not Strep. Just a Hot Mess With Flashbacks.

I’ve been sick since Sunday. Every day it’s gotten slightly worse – and the very worst is night and morning. But I figured it would just run its course and be done soon.

This morning I woke up with a throat so swollen I almost couldn’t breath and my ears feeling like they were going to explode from the pressure.

So we headed out to the ER (no urgent cares here take our military insurance) and waited. And waited.

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It was the same hospital I’d been in nearly 2 years ago to the day when my water broke with the twins. The initial hospital I was taken to by ambulance and left in the hallway at.

I’d never been back (and I never intended to be) but it’s literally 2 blocks from our home so it seemed like a good time to put on my big girl, anti-PTSD panties and get it over with. When they called us, I followed and suddenly turned the corner to the reception area where I vividly remembered laying on the stretcher, having one of the ambulance workers stay with me while they figured out what to do. Maternity? Nope, they sent me back down because I wasn’t 20 weeks. Room? Nope, the school bus accident took priority (I understood that one).

I flashed back to that terrified, confused girl who wanted to know where her husband was and what was happening.

2 years.

I started praying they didn’t put me in the same room, because I even remembered where that was.

But I ended up in a new wing, with kind nurses who took care of me. Bella was fascinated with all the medical equipment and things I was hooked to (blood pressure, pulse ox). I sat there listening to the beeping, the whoosh, and it hit me just how many times I did this with Kaden. Dozens upon dozens of times while pregnant with him. That feeling of constant anxiety that something was going to be wrong. The fear of delivering him too soon.

They confirmed it wasn’t strep, but instead a viral infection and heavy duty allergies. Which I’ve never had but lately I’ve noticed and they’re getting worse. I left with three prescriptions.

It’s so odd to me the timing of this. To be back at that hospital, in the same place as two years ago. I know I’ve said before it felt like it all happened to someone else, but it really does. I can’t even remember what it felt like to be me before that day. Or really in the time after before I lost Kaden.

Life is strange. I’m actually glad I ended up there, it was like a little of the fear that still follows me from that day was conquered. I think 2 year ago Diana would have been proud.

 


Comments

  1. Alaina Jalosky says:

    This is crazy timing. I just took my littlest one to the ER Monday night for breathing issues associated with a cold. I had been there one more time since, but walking in and being in triage this time took me back so quickly to when I went there in June 2011 contracting regularly at 15 weeks. They kept me in the ER because I wasn't far enough along to go up to L&D. It took them over 2 hours to get us up for an ultrasound where we got to see our healthy little boy. When the bed stopped after wheeling me back down to the ER, my water broke, and there was no saving him. Turning the corner to go back to the beds in the ER this past Monday night had me about in tears. Still, almost 3 years later. Hugs to you, Mama. I am proud of you, too.

  2. Our infant daughter died almost 10 months ago (on the 8th) and I also wonder when any of this will feel real? It still feels like I am watching the tragedy of someone else’s life.

  3. You conquered! Day by day. Hope you get to feeling well very soon.

  4. Ashley Quarles says:

    4.5 years later and my heart still skips a beat when I have to make an unexpected trip to the ER or when ambulances/firetrucks come flying by my office up to 10 times per day. I think that anxiety is something that we’ll never be able to get over. :(

  5. I hope this bolstered your strength. You conquered a situation that would understandably send anyone in your shoes into a tail spin. You are a strong woman, Diana.

    Feel better soon…it seems like everyone is getting a touch of this nasty cold floating around.

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