Flashback

We’re staying in a Hyatt Place hotel tonight. I love these. It’s like a tiny apartment.

It was really strange to walk in here this afternoon after 4 hours on the road. We opened the door and I felt like someone had transported me back 9 months. Back to the last days of having Kaden.

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This room is nearly identical to the room we stayed at when Kaden was at Dallas Children’s.

Walking in with Sam and Bella – I felt a flood of emotions and memories hit. The same bed where at 2am I woke up to the phone ringing, alone to hear the nurse telling me Kaden was crashing. I had to call Sam and choke out to him he needed to come back – although he’d only returned the day before so we could plan to move to Dallas. After all, we’d be assured Kaden would be ok now. He’d get a transplant. It would all be ok.

The desk where I sat and typed out my posts – baffled at how this could be happening to us again. Trying to write and make sense of it. Begging for prayers – so many prayers for our son.

The room where I spent one more night with Kaden on earth, knowing that the next morning we had to tell him goodbye.

The floor that I sat on, sobbing to Sam about what to tell you all. I never wanted to write or do anything online again. He told me if I didn’t, I’d be so sorry to lose something else I loved. I asked him angrily, “So I just get on there and say, ‘Hey, thanks for all the prayers and money and love but apparently God didn’t care or hear us because my third baby boy died?'”

Yes, we could have stayed somewhere else. Yet it felt like picking here was the right thing to do. To make us face those moments again, even briefly, together.

It’s just a hotel room. We sit here tonight as a family of three physically and there are moments it’s so normal. Heading home for a wedding. Relaxing at the pool. Out to dinner.

And once in a while, it hits me so hard, 9 months later, of just how deep his death really shook and shakes us. Even a hotel room triggers so much.

There’s a part of me that still can’t comprehend that it actually all happened. 9 months later.


Comments

  1. Jessica M says:

    Your paragraph about what to say on here after Kaden died brought instant tears to my eyes. For what it’s worth, I’m glad that you’ve shared your story. Your family continues to be in my prayers. May these next days bring you laughter and good times with family.

  2. I love you so much Diana. you are such a bright shining light.

  3. Diana, I always look forward to reading your posts. Because I know they will be real. And in the
    Velveteen Rabbit, the skin horse says being real hurts sometimes. By the time you are real, your fur is all rubbed off and your eyes are popped out. Please know that our prayers are with you as you go on this very difficult journey. God bless you!

  4. You begged for our prayers and we’re still praying. Because this kind of impossible hard never stops needing our love. We’re here. With you. Because you begged us to be. Because you invited us in. Because there’s no place we’d rather be than with you in this. Through this.

  5. nataliegracie says:

    Your words are so beautiful, and you and your family are held in so many hearts.

  6. I stumbled across your post on Pinterest and even though I do not know you, I wanted to offer my deepest condolences. I know that no amount of words could ever change what has happened, so if you were standing across from me, I would hug you tight. I am a new mother of a beautiful 8 month old son. I have never love anything more in my life, I could not imagine this kind of pain. But I truly believe that God has a plan. God bless you and your gorgeous family, including your three precious angels in heaven.

  7. I have followed your blog since I miscarried twins in August 2012. Your story is heartbreaking and inspiring. I think of and pray for you often. This post literally made my heart sink. I try to imagine what that would have been like, and it brings me to tears every time. I am so very sorry. But your strength to go on is so encouraging and your faith (and struggle with faith) is so honest and real and gives the rest of us hope that we really can continue…no matter what. Much love in Christ…

  8. Keep on keepin on Diana! You’ve got so much love and support and even though these hard things have happened, you are an incredible woman who inspires us all!

  9. I found you a couple babies ago when I thought I was having twins… I read from the 16 weeks pregnant twin posts and then on through the horror and grief. Even if you feel like we don't want to see another grief post, that's wrong! Grief is REAL and human and I'd rather read another post from you than not at all. Thank you! And, you are part of my inspiration fro starting my own blog recently :) http://lonerual.weebly.com/

  10. Praying for you tonight.

  11. :::tears::: not many words, but so much love. always. moment+by+moment, thinking of you and your family.
    <3 Preston, Julian & Kaden <3

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