We’re staying in a Hyatt Place hotel tonight. I love these. It’s like a tiny apartment.
It was really strange to walk in here this afternoon after 4 hours on the road. We opened the door and I felt like someone had transported me back 9 months. Back to the last days of having Kaden.
This room is nearly identical to the room we stayed at when Kaden was at Dallas Children’s.
Walking in with Sam and Bella – I felt a flood of emotions and memories hit. The same bed where at 2am I woke up to the phone ringing, alone to hear the nurse telling me Kaden was crashing. I had to call Sam and choke out to him he needed to come back – although he’d only returned the day before so we could plan to move to Dallas. After all, we’d be assured Kaden would be ok now. He’d get a transplant. It would all be ok.
The desk where I sat and typed out my posts – baffled at how this could be happening to us again. Trying to write and make sense of it. Begging for prayers – so many prayers for our son.
The room where I spent one more night with Kaden on earth, knowing that the next morning we had to tell him goodbye.
The floor that I sat on, sobbing to Sam about what to tell you all. I never wanted to write or do anything online again. He told me if I didn’t, I’d be so sorry to lose something else I loved. I asked him angrily, “So I just get on there and say, ‘Hey, thanks for all the prayers and money and love but apparently God didn’t care or hear us because my third baby boy died?'”
Yes, we could have stayed somewhere else. Yet it felt like picking here was the right thing to do. To make us face those moments again, even briefly, together.
It’s just a hotel room. We sit here tonight as a family of three physically and there are moments it’s so normal. Heading home for a wedding. Relaxing at the pool. Out to dinner.
And once in a while, it hits me so hard, 9 months later, of just how deep his death really shook and shakes us. Even a hotel room triggers so much.
There’s a part of me that still can’t comprehend that it actually all happened. 9 months later.