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Let Me Tell You ‘Bout My Jesus

The past few weeks have been – rough. I have so many emotions and feelings swirling around in my brain all the time. I told a girlfriend the other night that it feels like my thoughts are a game of pingpong.

Back and forth. Be happy, be sad. Be thankful, feel resentful. Be angry, be calm. 

This week brought an unexpected death to our extended family. A lovely woman who left behind a very distraught family.

The twin’s 2 year birthday was Saturday.

Kaden’s 9 month birthday was Monday.

I see families moving on, growing, becoming the very thing so many of us picture when we think of adulthood. Marriage, babies, school.

Hope dims on days when this overwhelms me. When I look back at the past 2 1/2 years of waiting to bring one of our babies home and I’m furious that once again, I’m here with this burden to carry.

I feel tricked when I look at my life compared to what I was taught as a child. I feel like someone, anyone, in Sunday School or youth group or marriage counseling should have said, “Hey – I know we sing these fuzzy warm songs, memorize verses, and you take home a monogramed Bible, but there may come a day when you face tragedy beyond comprehension and you’re going to start to wonder about the real Jesus. Not the white, shiny, perfect teeth Jesus that floats along with permed hair. Not him. But the Jesus that is going to swoop down and be there while you curse Him and scream every horrible thing you can imagine, then collapse in pain. Let’s talk about Him.”

Obviously it’s no one’s fault. Most people have normal, placid lives that go on with small bumps of discomfort. Who would have thought to warn me it might be different? My parents were real enough with it all, but they were my parents. So you know – I knew better than them until I was like 26. ;)

I’ve had to search for my own relationship with Jesus – twice. I may have to do it again before I get to be with Him one day. Mine makes some people uncomfortable. I realize that. It’s not pretty, I use bad words on here, and when Kaden was dying I cussed God out in my bed. F-word and all. I lay there in the dark as hot tears ran down my face and my heart exploded while I just silently screamed obscenities at Him for allowing my child, another son, to die.

It’s different. My relationship with Him is based off the way I was created. Just like a human one – because half of our relationship is human. It doesn’t mean it’s all right – certainly not. I realize that. But I repent and come back when I start to heal, when the pain isn’t so searing that I can begin to see His hand over this all.

He didn’t cause it, but He allowed it. And He’s using me, if I’m willing, to make it into something beautiful. I’m seeing that unfold bit by bit. My hope starts to brighten a little.

I’m slowly getting to a place (I will never fully be there) where Jesus is enough. Beyond even the worldly desires of my heart. He is starting to fill that hole that longs for a different story, a baby, a short way out of the grief, the desire to be accepted and understood. He steps in where my worldly shortsightedness can’t see another way.

My Jesus is different than the Jesus I knew as a child. He’s my friend, my comforter, the hand held out when I stumble in the dark. He’s the one who wipes away the tears on my cheeks and listens as I rail against Him. He looks at those pictures of Himself in the halo and with the dark, sad, cow eyes and laughs with me. He’s righteously angry on my behalf. He’s so much love that I’m ashamed to be in His presence as the mess I am.

So in case no one ever told you about another Jesus – one that is waiting for a unique relationship with you, one that can fill that hole in your heart – then stick around. Let me tell you ’bout mine.

 


Comments

  1. Ranya Justin Adkinson says:

    Perfectly said. It's challenging at times and on those hard days it stinks. Thank you for being so honest.

  2. Wow! Thank you for being so honest!

  3. Shelly Stolzer Graves says:

    Thank you so much for this post! I can relate so very much with twelve glory babies with Jesus (eleven miscarriages and a stillbirth). Your raw honesty is both unbelievably refreshing and very beautiful! I can "see" OUR Jesus in you.

  4. I love this post and am thankful for your gifted writing. I’m so glad to be “with” you on this journey. You’ve definitely touched my life; thank you for that. I’m looking forward to reading more about your Jesus.

  5. This. This is why you are helping so many others who are trying to form a relationship with a new Jesus, one that is there for us, holding us even despite the “I hate you!”s we scream at our savior. Thank you. Seriously.

  6. Thank you

  7. Posts like this make me so angry that we can’t go out for coffee and talk about all the things. Because that really needs to happen.

  8. You made me cry! What a heart-wrenching post.

    ~F

  9. Thank you for this. ::tears::

  10. Wonderfully written.

  11. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. Thank you Diana.

  12. Yes!! Knowing this side of Jesus is beyond compare. Resting in the fact that He loves us deeply no matter what we do (even when we’ve yelled obscenities at Him…multiple times…ahem) and that He still comes to rescue us? Every time? It makes my heart ache to know that so many never know Him this way, this passionate, pursuing God who never leaves and never forsakes, even when we forsake Him.

    • Yes to this all. Never leaves and never forsakes. Even when it feels like it, even when we turn away.

  13. Thank you for sharing your story. I found this site today as I search for words on encouragement about loss, depression ect…I miscarried about 6wks ago and am now in the storm of my life…never thought I'd get to this place, thought I had it all under control –I know your Jesus and well, he's trying to get me to know him much much better…I'm where you were 2ish years ago. I have my prescriptions on hand and counseling session on the calendar..afraid to take the meds, unsure, yet hopeful…scared that maybe we won't be able to have more children or will have to wait for me to be better, but when will that be? She was suppose to be our 3rd and final, but now what? a 4th? no more? Your post are honest and encouraging. so thank you as I step forward in more light.

  14. Raw and Real….and that is who Jesus really is….the one who comes to us in our deepest darkest places…Thanks for your open heart and carries the load! He paid it All!

    • I meant to put carries the load after the deepest darkest places. And then to thank you for your open honest heart!

  15. I started reading because I’m a mil spouse and loved seeing your views. Now I check in to see how you’re doing. I love how raw you are and pray for you all daily. You are truly one of the strongest women I know.

  16. Marisa Toomey says:

    Absolutely love this! Thanks for sharing Diana! I’ve had some rough patches in my life due to a husband who is a recovering alcoholic. Jesus has been there through it all and held my hand even when I’ve cursed him. :) I’ve also discovered She Reads Truth through your blog which has been a lifesaver! Keep being you!

  17. Maria Keil says:

    I have never given birth to a child of my own. However I was guardian to my Aunt (my mother’s sister) who was mentally handicapped. She was 61 when she died but had the mental age of a 2 year old. My Grandfather (her father) died in June 0f 2010 after being sick for many months he had a brain bleed among other aliments. 4 months and 2 days after he died my Aunt died totally unexpected. She was my child and after losing my Grandfather I was very mad at God and how he could take 2 people that were very important to my in such a short period of time. It was VERY hard to understand why. As I look back at those 4 months I realized what good times we had together. I also came to the conclusion that my Grandparents wanted her back to them(they were both dead) but gave me the best months I had with her.

  18. This post is an inspiration. Thank you!

  19. Trinity Stanley says:

    Oh, Diana. So, so, so true. Thank you for this.

  20. Our sweet son (and first child), Caleb, was born exactly a week ago and fought for 42 hours. I'd been following your story and praying so hard for your family during Kaden's fight, never realizing that I would soon face something similar. Jesus is the only one who is giving us strength to face each minute that passes without our precious baby. Thank you so much for this post.

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