First Day

July 24, 2014

I dropped Bella off at her first day at one of the on post childcare centers. We started out small – just two and a half hours because honestly – I don’t need a lot of care for her. A few hours for work, and several for therapy.

More than anything, I want this to be for her. I truly thought at her age we’d have 2 or 3 more kids running around, and it never crossed my mind that she’d be alone at almost 5. And yet, this is where we are. So I have to adjust my thinking for both of us, and by the look on her face this morning she’s liking it.

Bella First Day

I mean. Really. She’s just my whole heart. (Her dress and shoes are Tea Collection, book bag is by the über talented Mommy Moxie.)

Her little classroom is darling. We walked in and there were a few other kids around her age, it was so clean and bright. Big windows covered in their art. An attached outdoor covered playground. Tables for arts and crafts, books all over. Bins with toys, 2 guinea pigs as the class pets, little sinks to wash hands. It was all organized. My teacher heart exploded. (I didn’t want to take inside pics since other kids were there.)

childcare ft bliss

And then – she saw them. Giant, ugly, rubber dinosaurs.

I honestly thought she was going to pass out. There could have been no kids and those dinosaurs would have filled in the gap. She took each one down with a look of adoration and sighed, then as I told her goodbye she lifted her hand and nodded.

Just – go. Leave me in my dinosaur bliss. 

So I did. The teachers laughed and talked with me about their days, and if she needed to stay longer at any point what her routine would be.

childcare ft bliss

I left, walking behind a group of little ones all clasping one of those circles on a rope with their teachers behind them, got in the car, and burst into tears.


This time, it was because I felt something watching Bella that I haven’t felt in a while. I felt happy for her. I felt like I made a good decision that would benefit her. Sure, it’s only a few hours a week, it’s her first day, and she’s not there full time to benefit from the total experience, but it’s enough.

You can’t imagine the guilt I’ve felt the past two years, but especially this past year, towards her life. Like – now she’ll be the only child who has all her siblings in heaven and a mom who has been sick or sad half her life. Lovely.

Somehow, this helped.

Then I drove to my Starbucks (the center is literally 10 min away) and now I’m writing. My heart is content knowing that she’s probably having the most amazing time there. This afternoon we’ll head to a curriculum fair with our new homeschool group, and I can’t wait for that.

Good days, days that are busy and wonderful, are what my heart and soul long for lately. Anything – because just the simplest form of happiness is craved for all of us.



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  • Julie (@BloggingJulie)

    August 5, 2014 at 10:49 am

    That is so great! Glad it went well! Dinos are the best.

  • Nicole at Mommy Moxie

    July 27, 2014 at 9:17 am

    D, this was an AWESOME decision. She’s going to find friends there that love dinosaurs as much as she does (if that is at all possible) and she’s going to come home and talk about those friends and what they played non-stop. This is going to be a great new thing for her (and for you). I’m so happy for you all!! <3 <3 <3

    Love you lady xoxo

  • Chantal

    July 26, 2014 at 11:23 pm

    It sounds like you made a great decision! I recently signed my daughter up for a two-day-a-week preschool thing for just a few hours in the morning, even though we have full intentions to homeschool. I NEED the quiet time to work on my own things and she needs some extra friend time. I feel a bit guilty because I’m an all-or-nothing person… but it isn’t like this is bad for her.

  • Amy

    July 26, 2014 at 8:13 pm

    I so relate to the feelings of spending your child’s life surrounded by grief. We’ve had 6 miscarriages in the 2 1/2 years since my twins here born. My eldest now thinks any time he is away from me, it means I am in the hospital again. We dropped him off at a Church classroom for an hour while we went to service and the first thing he said when he saw me after was, “Mommy are you ok?” It’s NOT your fault, you never asked for any of this. You didn’t ask for the grief and the heart break. You are not putting your family through this. You are all in this together, surviving this together, and you are doing a very good job. You are an amazing mother.

  • Diane

    July 26, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    So thankful that something good has fallen into place for you & Bella~ This will be wonderful for both of you! Enjoy this small blessing with a happy heart~

  • Tracy @ The UnCoordinated Mommy

    July 25, 2014 at 9:55 am

    That is so great that she loves it! I have a client that I do some work for so that we can afford to send my little guys to preschool two half days a week and I would so much rather not have the hassle of deadlines and meetings but I know how much they love it and how good it is for them.

    So happy that you have found some happiness 🙂

  • Alana

    July 24, 2014 at 10:25 pm

    🙂 so glad I think it will do you both the world of good 🙂 she looks like such a confident happy girl 🙂

  • Amelia

    July 24, 2014 at 9:10 pm

    I’m so happy for you two! I had tears in my eyes reading this! Yayy for great days!

  • Erin

    July 24, 2014 at 8:34 pm

    Congrats on a wonderful first day! I hope she came home smiling and your heart felt the same! A big step and sounds like the perfect one for you both!

  • jhenson6083

    July 24, 2014 at 1:39 pm

    I love seeing the world from their eyes, it is amazing to see. It is good to feel you are doing a good thing for them and for yourself as well, I bet she had an amazing day 🙂

  • Law Momma

    July 24, 2014 at 1:07 pm

    I always just love the stories that come out of them when they have days with their friends. It’s like a whole new world just opened up and it’s *GASP* totally separate from us!! I’m betting she just loved it. 🙂

  • Carrie

    July 24, 2014 at 12:22 pm

    She is so grown-up!! Sounds like an awesome experience for her (and can I say how AWESOME I think it is that she loves dinosaurs so much?).

  • Danielle Brigance

    July 24, 2014 at 4:48 pm

    Aww. This made me smile. She is so cute!

  • Jessica Pardee

    July 24, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    I had tears in my eyes while reading this. So happy for you both.

  • NJ Rongner (@acookieb4dinner)

    July 24, 2014 at 10:42 am

    I am so happy for the both of you! I am sure she’s having a blast! Kudos to you! I am sure that it wasn’t an easy decision to arrive to, but it sounds like it will work well for everyone.

    Enjoy your afternoon!

  • Erica Zamsky Hunt

    July 24, 2014 at 4:40 pm

    Awe I am so glad it went well….and that they had Dino's for your little lady! Can't wait to hear how your new homeschool connections go as well.

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