Today I woke up with the thought, “It feels like God hates me.”
It really does lately. Either He forgot about me, or He’s just having a grand time ruining my life while letting everyone else have a semi normal one. I don’t get it.
So many of you have reached out to me this week – thank you. Like each time we face some trial over the past 4 years, you guys are always there. I’ve been MIA from social media (and still am) because I want to focus on our family right now, with some writing. I did want to let you know that this didn’t involve a baby of our own, we have no intention of getting pregnant again because of the ciHHV-6 virus that my pregnancies activate.
Part of the mess involves an adoption we’ve been working on for the past 2 1/2 months, and the mom (due in October) changed her mind this past week. Totally unrelated to anything else we’re dealing with, but a big hit. We understood it was her right and choice, and I am hopeful that things work out for her and this little one, but it still hurts. It wasn’t something we pursued but rather came to us unexpectedly, and we moved forward in faith, trusting that God had a plan in it. We were waiting to announce anything until the homestudy was approved, and it is. Finalized on Kaden’s birthday through a wonderful agency we’ve worked with since June. It approves us for any age of child up to a year younger than Bella.
That is one of the brightest parts in this all.
The rest is still being worked through, and again, unrelated to the adoption.
Anyway, in the midst of these thoughts of, “Why me, why us, why again do we have to go through more pain?” was the sudden realization this afternoon of something I’d prayed time and again these past few months. That Christ would do whatever He wanted in my life for His will. Whatever it took, that He would use my talents, time, mistakes, and humanity to further His kingdom.
And I think that’s what happening. I didn’t expect what happened, even with the adoption. I expected Him to send us to be missionaries or have me write a book. Yet I see a bigger picture that could change lives for Him, binding Sam and I closer together as husband and wife and Christians. I know it sounds crazy or that I’m grasping at happy straws. I have those same, “This is because you just need anything positive in the middle of this mess” thoughts. Yet there is a peace and a sense of security I feel as life implodes in ways I hadn’t thought possible.
So even as I struggle with fear, envy, hopelessness, anxiety, grief, and doubt – even as my faith is tested and my hope fades that anything in our lives will work out the way we thought they would, I have this one choice. To fall away from God in this all, or to turn to Him. Again. I meant what I said over Kaden, “Please let him live, and I’ll serve you my whole life. Yet not my will, but yours.” Here I am. A year later. And it feels like we’ve started at square one.
When you submit your life to Christ, and you mean it, it’s not going to be easy. I did it 4 years ago this month, after the twins, and after Kaden. Submitted my will again, not re-saved. And these have been the toughest years of my life, and the ones where I can see Christ able to work the most. Through my faults and many mistakes, Jesus reminds me that’s His time to shine.
This is His will. And my choice to follow wherever it leads in this life.
“…count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” James 1:2-4