Count It All Joy {or Trying To}

Today I woke up with the thought, “It feels like God hates me.”

It really does lately. Either He forgot about me, or He’s just having a grand time ruining my life while letting everyone else have a semi normal one. I don’t get it.

So many of you have reached out to me this week – thank you. Like each time we face some trial over the past 4 years, you guys are always there. I’ve been MIA from social media (and still am) because I want to focus on our family right now, with some writing. I did want to let you know that this didn’t involve a baby of our own, we have no intention of getting pregnant again because of the ciHHV-6 virus that my pregnancies activate.

Part of the mess involves an adoption we’ve been working on for the past 2 1/2 months, and the mom (due in October) changed her mind this past week. Totally unrelated to anything else we’re dealing with, but a big hit. We understood it was her right and choice, and I am hopeful that things work out for her and this little one, but it still hurts. It wasn’t something we pursued but rather came to us unexpectedly, and we moved forward in faith, trusting that God had a plan in it. We were waiting to announce anything until the homestudy was approved, and it is. Finalized on Kaden’s birthday through a wonderful agency we’ve worked with since June. It approves us for any age of child up to a year younger than Bella.

That is one of the brightest parts in this all.

The rest is still being worked through, and again, unrelated to the adoption.

Anyway, in the midst of these thoughts of, “Why me, why us, why again do we have to go through more pain?” was the sudden realization this afternoon of something I’d prayed time and again these past few months. That Christ would do whatever He wanted in my life for His will. Whatever it took, that He would use my talents, time, mistakes, and humanity to further His kingdom.

And I think that’s what happening. I didn’t expect what happened, even with the adoption. I expected Him to send us to be missionaries or have me write a book. Yet I see a bigger picture that could change lives for Him, binding Sam and I closer together as husband and wife and Christians. I know it sounds crazy or that I’m grasping at happy straws. I have those same, “This is because you just need anything positive in the middle of this mess” thoughts. Yet there is a peace and a sense of security I feel as life implodes in ways I hadn’t thought possible.

So even as I struggle with fear, envy, hopelessness, anxiety, grief, and doubt – even as my faith is tested and my hope fades that anything in our lives will work out the way we thought they would, I have this one choice. To fall away from God in this all, or to turn to Him. Again. I meant what I said over Kaden,  “Please let him live, and I’ll serve you my whole life. Yet not my will, but yours.” Here I am. A year later. And it feels like we’ve started at square one.

When you submit your life to Christ, and you mean it, it’s not going to be easy. I did it 4 years ago this month, after the twins, and after Kaden. Submitted my will again, not re-saved. And these have been the toughest years of my life, and the ones where I can see Christ able to work the most. Through my faults and many mistakes, Jesus reminds me that’s His time to shine.

This is His will. And my choice to follow wherever it leads in this life.

 

“…count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” James 1:2-4


Comments

  1. Oh D, your faith is so awesome and I am proud to call you my friend. All my prayers <3

  2. I have to admit I've been hoping to see an update from you – only because you've been on my heart & in my prayers (more than usual). Just minutes after I received an email notice of your post (and I don't get any notifications), I checked my email and saw your update.

    You wrote: "That Christ would do whatever He wanted in my life for His will. Whatever it took, that He would use my talents, time, mistakes, and humanity to further His kingdom…Yet I see a bigger picture that could change lives for Him, binding Sam and I closer together as husband and wife and Christians."

    It isn't crazy. It isn't grasping for straws. It's been a Christian & living life in Christ & being an example in everything that you are experiencing that "The story isn't over yet."

    You are awesome and loved, my dear friend, although we've never met. You're never far from my prayers. Much love to you.

  3. In my church, there’s a saying that the bravest thing to pray for is that God sculpt your life as He will, with no regard for your earthly desires. My favorite monk says, about that, on a recording I love, “But then He sculpts, with his hammer and chisel, and a chunk comes off, and you say ‘OW! That HURT! And I LIKED that chunk!’ It is only human.” It’s even better in his Swiss-German accent. You are so brave, and so strong.

    All my love. (And Walter’s, too.)

  4. I have been thinking of you every day. Wondering what is going on and sincerely worried about you and your family. I’m so sorry that another adoption fell through. It must be so tough to hang on to what must feel like no hope. But if the homestudy was approved I feel like this is a step. Maybe it feels like a tiny step. But a step nonetheless. I will pray earnestly that God fills your arms with a child you can bring home.

  5. You have been on my mind and in my heart… your faith and even your questioning of it shows your strength, Diana. Hugs and prayers for what must seem like a very long journey right now, that I hope will bring you peace and joy very soon,

  6. You are one of the strongest women I know….Through the calm and through the storms, when you wanted to the most – you never let go. Praying for you Diana!!

  7. Marisa Toomey says:

    I love your honesty and your faith! Praying for you and your family.

  8. Like so many I have been watching for an update from you, and praying that you are getting through whatever was going on.

    Your pain is papable and transcends the computer screen. If only our embraces did the same. You would feel many loving hands holding you up, giving you strength to get throught the day. It seems so little to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry you have had yet another loss. I’m sorry you have to go through even more pain. All I can think of is a time in my life when I too felt God had forgotten me. And like you, He gave me a sliver of peace among the hurt. I believe my ablility to see the good in the thick of the bad was a gift from Him. And I do know that in this life you have suffered immeasruably and according to His word you will be rewarded in eternal life. Not that it makes this day or any of the other dark days any easier. It’s just a reminder that our life here is short compared to our eternal life with our God. And if your like me the first thing question you’re going to want answered is why? Why did you ever think I could handle all that you gave me Lord? Unitl that day all we can do is be faithful. Ugh, I know that still just doesn’t take away the pain. I am praying for you. Praying for good things to happen and for God to show you that you are never forgotten.

  9. I have been watching for an update. My heart brakes for you. You’re an amazing woman of faith.

  10. Your faith is so grounding and inspirational. It is something I am missing (and miss) from my life. Always praying for you and your family. ❤️

  11. So glad to hear the latest! I’ve been thinking of you a lot, friend. ::hugs::

  12. Brei Martin Floyd says:

    ❤️You continue to be an inspiration and encouragement. Continued prayers for y'all as you navigate unknown and uncomfortable.

  13. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  14. Amy Daniels Jones says:

    I've been missing you and your posts. Praying for you during this time, as always. Blessings to your family, Diana.

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