Today has been a really terrible day so far.
And it’s only noon here as I write this.
I expected tomorrow to be. The day Kaden died. Really though, I find myself dreading birthdays more than – death days? What on earth do we call these days? Anniversary seems to give it the air of something celebrated. Birthdays are hard – and as my wise friend Emily told me, “It’s because that’s a day when you’re supposed to be happy, but you can’t be.”
Tomorrow is a day I’m supposed to be sad.
There are moments when the reality of this hits me. I’ve written this before, but it bears repeating. Most of my days are ok. I’m sad, but I’m not unhappy. But on days like this, it hits me that Kaden was:
- my son
- Bella’s brother
- Sam’s little boy
- our families’ grandchild and nephew
And suddenly it’s too much to comprehend. He’s no longer a name or an event or an “in memory of”. He’s my little, tiny, 7lb 6 oz son who made noises and looked at me and turned his head towards our voices and had a whirl of hair in the back like Bella did. He had a crib that still sits in the guest room, clothes that are packed away with tags on. He was so perfect, so wonderful, so wanted and loved.
We are going to live with this forever. Preston, Julian, Kaden. I will never get over this. I will be an old woman and I will still long for them and what was supposed to have been with their little lives. This isn’t me wanting more children or not appreciating Bella – this is a mama grieving for the little boys she wanted so much.
What happened? How did my life turn out like this and what is going on? I know that 2 1/2 years in a lifetime (and eternity) isn’t very long, but it was enough to alter everything in a way that can’t ever be fixed.
I cling to Jesus in these moments, even in a way that is resentful and angry like now. My mind screams at Him, “I TRUSTED you. I waited for you. I prayed, cried, begged, pleaded, had faith, even when he DIED I thought you’d do something. What happened? What is the point of all of these verses and prayers if you still let babies die over and over? What do you want?”
I don’t know. I believe there is a bigger picture – bigger than my grief or needs or even Kaden’s life. If I choose to hang onto my faith, (and it is a choice) then one day I will see these moments bear fruit in ways I never expected. Not in a way that makes this worth it, but in a way that gives all the pain and suffering a reason and purpose beyond my comprehension.
“Though he slay me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face.”