#Blessed Weakness

#Blessed Weakness

September 18, 2014

#Blessed Weakness

I see the #blessed hashtag everywhere. If I’m really honest, it makes me incredibly angry most of the time. It’s used for (what I consider) trite, stupid things.

Is that my call to make? No. But that’s how it feels right now.

I’m using Cynthia Heald’s Becoming a Woman of Strength (afflink) with my  mom in our one on one Bible study. This week we talked about strength in our weakness, specifically God’s strength.

Lately I feel very on edge about doing things the right way. We’ve had some really bad weeks, with more to come as a consequence of them, and my inner control freak kicks in at these moments to keep everything I can in line.

  • Clean the house.
  • Vacuum like there’s no tomorrow.
  • Organize.
  • Schedule.
  • Plan.
  • Then fall apart.

The other night I sat on the couch and sobbed to Sam about what a disaster our life is. Again. And really – it is. I wish I could be more specific (it’s preventing me from writing more on here because I have so many “can’t be told’s”) but we are waiting to see the outcome of some of this before I make it public.

I feel trapped. Left out. Foreign. I watch everyone gather a circle of Christian girlfriends and I’m pushing mine away because I just can’t deal with anyone. I feel like anyone that is left around me, checking in, is just biding their time for another mess. As if they’re saying, “Let’s not ask/invite/include her – she’s a disaster. It’s just one thing after another.” It’s probably not true, but it’s how I feel. I feel judged and isolated on my (very different) walk with Jesus, and what happened wasn’t even something I did. But it’s still my life.

So I’m reading the study with my mom and this past week we read a verse that struck me:

“We are cracked and chipped from our afflictions on all sides, but we are not crushed by them. We are bewildered at times, but we do not give in to despair. We are persecuted, but we have not been abandoned. We have been knocked down, but we are not destroyed. We always carry around in our bodies the reality of the brutal death and suffering of Jesus. As a result, His resurrection life rises and reveals its wondrous power in our bodies as well.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-10 (The VOICE)

Here’s what I struggle to believe: that in this mess, in my weakness, in the times I am so tired of my life full of sorrow and drama – there is God waiting to make it right. He’s using me and this. I can’t see it, I can’t feel it. I wallow in my sadness too long, harden my heart too often, throw up my hands in impatience and anger at what I perceive is unfair, but He’s still working.

My weakness during these hard days is when God is allowed to shine the brightest. It’s not that everyone is crowding around me saying, “Wow Diana, you really are just a beacon of light and hope! Yay!”

#blessed

😉

No – it’s the opposite but my prayer is that in my time of selfishness and bitterness, I will allow God to work in me still. To weave through the broken mess I’ve made so that others can look at me and know Christ is there.

Because there can’t be any other explanation. 

Paul talks about boasting in his weakness. I’m not Paul – really my weakness makes me want to smack someone or thing pretty hard. Then clean my house. But I’m learning that my need to keep things tightly controlled and to myself isn’t allowing God to work through me. It’s when I can admit, “I’m a mess” and “I don’t know how to get through today” that suddenly God can show up and help. Otherwise I don’t leave room for him. It’s just me – struggling along in my humanity.

“and finally He said to me, ‘My grace is enough to cover and sustain you. My power is made perfect in weakness.’ So ask me about my thorn, inquire about my weaknesses, and I will gladly go on and on—I would rather stake my claim in these and have the power of the Anointed One at home within me.”

Now that, and only that, is something I can truly write #blessed about.

11 Comments

  • Courtney

    September 25, 2014 at 6:29 am

    Hi, Diana,

    While perusing my Bible this morning, a verse struck me and made me think of you and this post. I did a little more perusing, and I just wanted to share what I found in scripture.

    Blessed are all who take refuge in him.
    Blessed are those who mourn.
    Blessed are the meek.
    Blessed are the poor in spirit.
    Blessed are they who maintain justice.
    Blessed are the merciful.
    Blessed are the pure of heart.
    Blessed are the peacemakers.
    Blessed are those who are persecuted.
    Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.
    Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked.
    Blessed is the man who perseveres.
    Blessed is the one who reads the words.
    Blessed are you when people insult you.
    Blessed are those whose strength is in you.
    Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you.

    I think the world has misconstrued what God’s blessings really are. Biblically, anyway, they are nothing tangible.

    By all accounts of God’s Word, beautiful Diana, I believe you are truly #blessed.

  • Jenn Zuniga

    September 19, 2014 at 11:55 am

    Dear Diana,
    You are beautiful, your soul shines through everything and your humanness too is elite in that few will give this, but you are a most beautiful “life!” flower. You have much love all around you.

    ~Deuteronomy 31:8
    The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

    I don’t cry easily and today I bumped into your blog and I found myself reading post after post from one of yours that has main links.. and I felt like I was so moved by empathy. I kind of lost my empathy, it numbed out at different points … in my life. I am still tender, always have been but I am just melting back to surface again and slowly opening up again. Today I felt more parts of me opening reading your living story.

    Anyway, reading about your highs and lows, I really connected with your heart, not in a way I say I can understand but I felt and felt and felt and tears rolled down my cheeks and it was Real. I wanted to say “Thank you for sharing your life, your whole ups and downs.” I believe that Your Bigger Wonders yet to be will surpass just like Job the horrible pain and losses you have known. I just wanted to say that I have much love for you and I wanted to encourage you on, to know that wherever you are, whatever you are going through, it is always perfect for sharing.

    We all care and are following because I believe you describe so much what many cannot put words into sometimes, although we all have different stories. So, we agree together in the process of losing and gaining again all through Christ who gives us strength, especially in community as authentic as this..

    what you are making here even unknowingly somedays is a beautiful relationship with God by being open completely as you are and where you are at, and in your choice of staying this Real and pressing on. Please keep pressing on, every little inch. We are each cheering you on and hugging you soo much more than words could express!

    Bless you and your entire family! May you experience more than your greatest dreams beginning now. Miracles. Anything. I wish it all for you. Raining on you blessing after blessing you cannot stand up without the glory touching you. You are worth this much! More! :’)

    Love you dearly with immeasurable gratitude! Jenn

  • Seran Paton

    September 19, 2014 at 12:11 pm

    This has sparked a lightbulb moment for me. I have realized im scared of what i dont understand when it comes to certain religions but i cant stand up and say 'this is what i believe' if im not studying and understanding what i thought i believed. Id really like to do some bible study and i see your posts and my spirit and my heart yearns…

  • Emily

    September 19, 2014 at 4:26 am

    Thanks for writing. I’m wish life weren’t so confusingly tough sometimes, but I admire your honesty in it all. I think the church needs more of this. Praying for you guys <3

    1. Emily

      September 19, 2014 at 4:29 am

      *I wish. (ugh.)

  • Anne-Marie

    September 18, 2014 at 1:56 pm

    My lovely friend – this is not what giving up looks like. I can tell you that much, for sure.

  • Sarah Silveira

    September 18, 2014 at 7:02 pm

    This post is beautiful and insightful. What a meaningful verse that Corinthians quote is too. I'm not familiar with it, and am glad that you brought it to my attention.

  • amandahoyt

    September 18, 2014 at 12:27 pm

    so much love. wish we lived {more} near each other. texas is too big 🙁
    love you, dear one.
    you’re on my heart, in my prayers and on my mind daily.

  • Brittany Courtenay

    September 18, 2014 at 5:36 pm

    I've never commented before but I have to say that I agree #blessed is inappropriately used. For example, when someone has a baby, and he/she posts pictures on facebook with #blessed, I find it troubling. I don't know why some people have healthy babies and others don't, but I refuse to believe God "blesses" some people and doesn't "bless" others. I think what people should use instead of #blessed is #grateful. It makes more sense to feel grateful for your fortune instead of feeling like you were blessed with something. Although I have to say, I don't think people intentionally insult other people by saying #blessed. I just think they type it without much thought.

  • Jean

    September 18, 2014 at 11:04 am

    Thanks for sharing today, I feel the same and it’s so hard to relate at times with others. I recently had a dream where all my other young mom friends who have been grieving children or parents (I’ve also recently had some major losses in my life) were at someone’s house and they were going to a “grieving retreat” When I arrived to the house in my dream, my friends were secretly packing and when I figured out what was going on, they apologized for not inviting me to the retreat but said I wasn’t ready! UGHH struggling!!! Day to day sista! Glad I found you on the web a couple weeks ago.

  • Becky @ bybmg

    September 18, 2014 at 10:37 am

    Thank you for sharing this. I pray that God keeps showing up for you….because that’s that’s what I feel he’s calling me to pray for with you.

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