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October 7, 2014

BellaBella woke up this morning with a fever and telling me, “I need to throw up…”

So right now she’s on the couch next to me, sleeping and buried in the covers, as I write. Her little hands are cupping her own face, I can’t think of anything cuter.

We’ve had some hard weeks with her lately. She’s developed this aversion to any type of interruption – even if it’s to do something she likes. But the biggest drama happens in the morning and at night when she has to get ready for the day or bed. Tears, whining, sobs, tantrums – you name it. We’ve tried everything under the sun to get her to just pull through and so far – not much is working. We have a “Magic Poof” jar that she adds cotton balls to when she makes a good choice. When it’s full, she gets whatever treat she picked at the start. She’s earned an evening with us, a stuffed dragon, a new book – but that jar is filling up slower as the weeks past.

She’s still in play therapy each week, although we switched therapists in August. I know it may seem a bit much to have her in this long, but it truly does help her to process all we’ve been and are still going through. It also helps me to know what to work with her on and what’s just a normal phase. Nothing about our life is really “normal” and the reassurance of a professional eases my mom guilt a lot.

I feel a little lost as a mama. While all of my friends are finishing up having kids or entering the second, third, fourth round of babies; I’m watching each stage pass and wonder if I’ll ever experience it again. When everyone else’s life revolves around diapers and dishes on repeat, mine seems to be off from the rest. They’re learning to accept that they’ll have sleepless nights and talk about poop once again for the next 2 years. I’m wondering what happens next when it’s not another baby?

It’s really a very strange feeling to be on the outskirts of that life.

We could try again. We certainly could. There are precautions we could take. But no guarantees. And even though the thought of it makes my heart yearn a little, then I think of how sick I am during pregnancy, how this past pregnancy was so, so hard on me physically, and how anything could trigger the CIHHV-6 again – and I can’t even fathom going through it all without knowing the odds were truly in my favor.

I feel this constant tug to find a niche outside of the thought of repeat motherhood. I have to remind myself how I don’t want to just jump from thing to thing because I’m not really sure where I fit in. But it’s so hard not to do that when I am constantly facing everyone else’s life changes with another baby. I want to have something to look forward to like that too – and when I don’t it’s hard to sit by quietly.

Bella grows more independent and I find myself wondering what’s next for me – praying so hard it’s something good and beautiful and a lasts enough for me to get my feet under me again. I love her, I am looking forward to her growing up while I get to be her mama. Outside of that, I just don’t know yet.

This is a hard phase to be in life.


  • Allyssa

    October 14, 2014 at 11:51 pm

    Hey there, I love your writing and look forward to hearing about your adventures. Not sure how I came across your blog, but I have a 3 1/2 year old typical daughter and an 8 month old son born with profound special needs…we read about “love bombing” typical kids in a similar situation (see http://www.kateleong.com). It seems counterintuitive, but these special days of love/spoiling have really helped our daughter through an otherwise confusing time. Just a suggestion in case it helps…worked wonders for us! 🙂

  • Robbie

    October 10, 2014 at 7:20 pm

    Although I haven’t experienced the loss and struggles you have I can relate to feelings of being on the outskirts of life. Sending you thoughts of strength.

  • Suz

    October 7, 2014 at 9:54 pm


  • Crystal

    October 7, 2014 at 9:50 pm

    Lots and lots of hugs to you (and Bella!). Although we’ve never met, you’ve been in our prayers many times. May you find peace that passes all understanding.

  • Jessica

    October 7, 2014 at 7:06 pm

    Thinking of you and wishing you some much deserved peace. Lots of love Diana.

  • Kimberly

    October 7, 2014 at 6:59 pm

    This post really hit home and pulled at my broken heart strings this evening. I just suffered a miscarriage Sunday evening. Feeling lost and reaching for any strand of hope just to get through the day. I haven’t shared it with friends because the majority of them are expecting or have had babies in the past month. We’ve also been having behavioral issues with our four year old this past month and have tried everything imaginable to nip her actions in the bud. It’s frustrating and hard not to blame yourself especially when you don’t know what else to do to help the situation. I know we haven’t been through the same experiences and that we don’t know one another, but I feel for you. I can relate to some of your struggles and thoughts. I’m thankful for your openness. Hugs mama!

  • Molly

    October 7, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    Sending you e-hugs. I wish I could have hugged you in August and just been there to listen to what you have to say. I am always wondering what’s next too. Different than your wondering, of course. But I wish I could shut that part of me off.

  • Jana Anthoine (@jana0926)

    October 7, 2014 at 3:28 pm

    Love to you, dear.

  • Amber

    October 7, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    Im facing the same issue of not know whats next our three (one mineage 7, two his 6 &9) have become very independent and strong.I forced my self to go to school and work full time bc being home alone makes me crazy.especially with the anniversary of when we gave birth to our angel a week or so away.im second guessing my decision lately to stay so busy bc I never really let it hit me .I wonder what to do next bc life isnt so normal anymore.I avoid playdates with anyone with new babyand birthday parties.they are gettin old and new situations arise that can trigger painful memories. And they ask questions as to y I will not try again for them a baby brother or sister.its sd it get worse before it get better. I pray for you and your family in hope yall find that happy medium. Stay strong and beautiful. Bella is a very blessed little girl to have you as her mommy

  • mjillkrause

    October 7, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    Just stopping by to wrap you in virtual love.

  • Krista

    October 7, 2014 at 2:12 pm

    When you said that you don’t want to jump from thing to thing it really struck a chord with me because that’s precisely what I do when I don’t really know what’s next for me. In certain areas of my life I tend to look and leap at the same time, figuring it all out as I go. In general it’s all worked out but I’m always interested in people who truly look (and look and look) before they leap. I have a feeling you’ll find your place very very soon and wish that so much for you!

  • Katy Dragoo

    October 7, 2014 at 7:08 pm

    Bella has had to deal with so much more than most children her age. I feel for you and don't have any advice except just love her.

  • Beth Anne Ballance

    October 7, 2014 at 6:13 pm

    I love you, friend. Through all phases in life.

  • Sonya Morris

    October 7, 2014 at 11:38 am

    Poor Bella, hope she feels better soon!

    You should try again! I dealt with secondary infertility and there is nothing more miserable than wanting something so bad that seems unobtainable.

    1. Tanya Redfield

      October 9, 2014 at 1:00 am

      I also dealt with secondary infertility after losing our second baby in the middle of the pregnancy… I understand all those fears…wanting it so bad and yet being scared of it so bad at the same time. It took us 6 years to get pregnant and that pregnancy was nothing but 8 months of horrible stress, wondering when things would fall apart. Thankfully they didn’t, and that baby is going to graduate from high school next spring. And in the 12 years following we were entirely surprised by 2 more sons…so we now have 4 sons, spaced 20 years from first to last, with the last currently in 1st grade, and a 2.5 yo grandson who also spends a lot of time at our house. But there was a day when I couldn’t imagine that, and when I, too, was sure that I was experiencing all the “firsts” for the last time.
      Have you ever thought about adopting through the county? There are so many children, infants included, who need homes. Yes, it comes with risks, but I know so many people who have wonderful families all made up of “hard to place” children who ended up no different than any other child, except for the fact that they were chosen and not grown. lol And as you well know, giving birth is no guarantee that your child will be perfectly healthy, either. The best part is that it’s mostly free… usually you just pay court fees to finalize the adoption. Anyway, you’ve probably already checked into it, but I just wanted to throw it out there for you or anyone who wants to grow their family. Our friends became foster parents and since she is a daycare mom, and home all day, they usually are called first when there is an infant that needs placing. They’ve adopted 2 of these babies, who were placed with them at just a few days old. (There was a third they could have adopted but they made the painful decision to let her go to another adoptive family who already had adopted her biological brother…it hurt, but they felt it was best for her.) They are beautiful, happy, healthy children. Because she is at home during the day, she got first “dibs” on taking the babies in, because it saves the county money they would spend on daycare, on top of foster fees, if they would place them with a foster mom who worked outside the home. You can also just put down to adopt and know the baby you get is cleared for adoption if you don’t want to foster with just a chance of adoption. Just a thought. 🙂 Enjoy Bella, as I know you do. There may be a day in your future when you have so many children you think “what in the world have I done?” (This crosses my mind occasionally as we watch our empty-nest, same age friends do adult things as we go to yet another elementary PTO meeting….when it’s all said and done we will have 30 some years of kids in the school system… But I wouldn’t trade any of my boys for the world!)

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