Numb

October 15, 2014

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Before October 2012, I’d never heard about it – or if I did I didn’t care much. It wasn’t a day I wanted to acknowledge because it had to do with being sad and dead babies and – just no.

Here I am now.

The first year I was angry. Angry that I even had to be a part of this day at all. I wanted my babies back, I wanted my life back. I didn’t want to send off balloons or light a candle, I wanted two cribs, carseats, and to be exhausted.

Last year I’d added Kaden to the list. Three. I was a bit more ready to say something that day, share their pictures, defy anyone who would dare to tell me that Preston and Julian weren’t just as much my babies as he was.

This year I am numb. I didn’t really even give this day much thought. I am not lighting a candle or adding their names to a balloon. I’m still having trouble comprehending that they’re all gone. Over a year later and even saying Kaden’s name makes tears pour down my cheeks. I’ll readily admit I am in a much different place in his loss than I was with the twins at this time with them.

I think of having another baby, and I’m stopped cold by this thought:

It will never be Kaden. Never. He’s never, ever coming home. All that time. He never even came home, and no baby will fill that gap.

They’d fill a baby gap. A second motherhood gap. A sibling gap.

But not one of them would fill the gap of my little boys.

Today I sit and think of them – my would be two year olds and one year old. Who should be here? Who wouldn’t if the other was? What would they be like? Would having Kaden have eased my heart enough with the twins for me to “move on” and feel a bit more normal?

I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter. They’re not here, they never will be. I cuddle with Bella on the couch and look at our little life and what I do know is the three of us are still here and still remembering. Today and everyday. Nothing and no one will ever take the place of the three little boys we fought so hard to keep.

7 Comments

  • We Were Pregnant | Sonlight Blog

    October 20, 2014 at 4:30 pm

    […] Month. If you haven't been keeping up with my Other Posts of Note, you can read two relevant posts here and here. And if you didn't take the time to read I'm Pregnant. So Why Can't I Tell You?, I suggest […]

  • Lesslie

    October 16, 2014 at 7:44 pm

    You have no idea how much you have helped me these past few months. I had a miscarriage exactly 5 months ago tomorrow. I would be 7 months right now and its difficult not to think everyday about how my belly would look. It was my first pregnancy. Ive was planning on doing something yesterday but I couldnt manage to go to a random store & buy a random candle to represent my very special baby…this pain doesnt go away

  • Lynn Youlountas

    October 16, 2014 at 2:31 am

    I'm so, so sorry.

  • Erin

    October 15, 2014 at 7:17 pm

    I have no words except that I’m sorry, so very sorry… and that even though we’ve never met or talked, I think about you and your boys, and the rest of your beautiful family and hold you all close to my heart in my thoughts often. Sending you lots of love – so much love – and wishing it could do more than just be a nice sentiment. Thank you for writing and sharing your story… I imagine it can’t be easy, but it has helped me to be more aware, understanding, patient and loving for those in my life who have also faced/are facing something like this kind of loss, hurt and pain…..and I hope that in turn that has helped them in some small way…whatever it may be.

  • Elizabeth Lovelace

    October 16, 2014 at 12:26 am

    Don't want to know about this day either, but here I am letting people know about it and making sure other women know that I remember their babies. Hugs.

  • Jessica

    October 15, 2014 at 5:03 pm

    I pray every day for you, but I said a special prayer today.

  • Angela Parker

    October 15, 2014 at 10:53 pm

    I'm so sorry Diana, that you are facing this pain. I know there's nothing I can do to make it better, but I'm sending my love anyway and I'm praying….for what I'm not sure, but I'm praying. Lots of love xx

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