Pondering Fulfillment

October 2, 2014

Life is a funny thing. I often wonder if anyone ever feels the way I do about it – that this isn’t at all what I expected it to be. Not all bad – just so different. Will it all come together at some point in an “AHA!” moment? Will I ever see the purpose behind this pain – enough of a purpose that I can use it to propel forward? Or will it just be a series of little moments that never really string together? I think of all the things I’d love to do…

I want to write a book. I’ve wanted to on and off for a while, but these past few months – well, probably since Kaden died – I’ve felt this urge to write one.

I know what it’ll be about.

I know the title.

I have the chapters in my head.

I’ve read about traditional publishing and self publishing and even contacted a company that helps self publish.

Then I sit down and become paralyzed by writing a whole book. (And yes, even breaking it into chapters is still overwhelming because it’s chapters of a whole book lol.) I over think it – where do I begin? Do I plan out the book in those idea bubbles? Research? Just start writing?

What if no one reads it? What if it’s a huge flop and gets terrible reviews on Amazon?

Does self publishing mean I’m saying I don’t think I can get a traditional publisher so I’m taking the second rate choice?

And before you know it – I’ve talked myself right out of writing a word and am back to thinking again.

sigh

It isn’t a novel – but more of a memoir with a “guide” (understanding there is no absolute right way) to grief – things I’ve learned from therapy, other’s stories, and doing some of it right and wrong the past 2 1/2 years. With family, with friends, with work, grieving publicly, second rounds of grief, in our marriages, with other children – etc. I want it to be something you can pick up 40 years after losing a child or on the way home from the doctor who broke the news.

My dream is that it is a comforting, encouraging, but honest take on how you can have life, faith, and a purpose beyond anything you can imagine after you lose a child. That it will shatter you, it’ll be one of the most horrible things you can imagine, that every day brings a knife to your heart in some way for the rest of your life – but in the midst of that can unfold a life and perspective you’ve never thought possible.

Here my train of thought is, “The market is saturated with grief and loss books Diana. You really need to add to that?”

Obviously my self talk needs a bit of help.

I don’t think, no matter what my thought process is, that I’ll start anything this month. There are times I wonder if this trip to Zimbabwe will change a lot for me – maybe even send me in a new direction.

I pray a lot for direction these days. It may seem that I have so much going on and it’s all fulfilling – and yes to both. But there is still a deep desire to do something with my life that soothes at least a small part of this ache. To get beyond my own grief and loss, push away from my comfortable life and days more. To make an impact for Christ – even beyond the little I may do on this blog. I love writing here, but if this was it for me? I don’t know that I would be ok with that.

That’s when I wonder – will anything be that feeling for me this side of heaven? Even if all three boys had lived. If I wrote a bestseller. If I became an advocate for women’s health, we had a perfect family, I was a really great person ;), if everything worked out exactly the way I thought it should have –

I know it wouldn’t. So I press on anyway – because my calling here is bigger than my need for constant fulfillment. I do know that.

15 Comments

  • Katie Maloney

    October 17, 2014 at 3:34 pm

    I’m not even quite sure of the rabbit trail that brought me to this post….I was clicking on links, paused to read, and then kept reading. I just self-published. Within the last 24 hours. I don’t have a platform. I don’t have huge sales………but I can share this with you, keep holding that future book in your heart, don’t put it off for too many “some days”, but don’t force it either. Part of me wants to tell, “Don’t wait, do it now!” But I then I know from personal experience that sometimes books were ideas for a while, and then suddenly it was time – usually at what I thought was the worst possible season, but God showed Himself strong and confounded my wisdom.

    I’m afraid that doesn’t help much. One thing that got me started was a project several years ago called National Novel Writing Month. It gave me a goal and once I started, it all came together. Now the editing and revising, that most certainly didn’t happen in a month. 🙂

    Blessings – you can do it!

    KM

  • Elise N Hoffman

    October 4, 2014 at 11:33 pm

    Maybe part of what's keeping you from writing the book is that there's a big chunk of the plot that's only beginning to unfold? 🙂 Maybe just journaling your thoughts as they occur is a good first step.

  • Sarah Silveira

    October 3, 2014 at 1:30 am

    Write the book.

  • Jessica Lee

    October 2, 2014 at 9:32 pm

    If you wrote a book I would definitely buy it. When I worked for Borders I knew a lot of local authors who were self published. At least 1 ended up having their book picked up by Harper Collins and their book got broken into 3 books.

  • Ruby

    October 2, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    Do it. But don’t write about it too much. I can highly recommend SARK for inspiration & courage to take on these sorts of projects. One thing I recently re-read in one of her books (bodacious book of succulence) is: don’t talk about your creative dream [too much]. Talking about it gives you a sense of working at it, but without the fear of failure (you’re only talking about it) or even more so: fear of it actually being very, very good.

    You write so well. Every blog post I read, because they are so easy to read: not the content or subjects, but because of the grace & style it reads wonderfully naturally. Many blogs I can’t read anymore because they all have be producing tweetable/likeable oneliners. Your words… I would read your book.

  • Tracie Richey

    October 2, 2014 at 1:48 pm

    If God leads you to write a book, it’s possible He has your audience in mind already a well. He knows who needs you.

  • Liss

    October 2, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    Diana there are many of us with stories similar to yours. However the loss of a child at any point is a loss. How we work through the grief is where God’s victory is found. Please share your story. The families you help will be many.

  • Shari

    October 2, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    What I’ve learned through the writing process and journey to try to get published: if you write from the heart, if you write for yourself, if you believe in the book and know you have so much to be proud of in that – no matter what else follows – then it is a journey well worth traveling. You have such a beauty to your words and I truly believe that they will touch anyone who reads them. Best of luck with whichever path you choose!

  • Melissa Groven

    October 2, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    We all have a story, and your story matters. For the rest of us. And you tell it beautifully, authentically. Authentically is the kicker for me. (swear words and all…) You are absolutely and radiantly authentic and real. And I love it. And that’s why I read your blog and that’s why I would read your book. If you feel it’s something that you want to do (write a book), which only you can know, then I say go for it. In your time and in your way.

  • Lisa Maere Forgie

    October 2, 2014 at 6:19 pm

    Sorry, got cut off by my phone.
    God allows us to be ok with something when he is finished with our purpose. I don't know if a book is in your future, but I'm willing to bet that God has huge plans for you!

  • Lisa Maere Forgie

    October 2, 2014 at 6:17 pm

    If you ever feel that you would not be ok with something "just being it" for yourself, there's a really really strong possibility that God is calling you for more

  • Elizabeth Clements

    October 2, 2014 at 6:17 pm

    Screenplay. I also have a list of actors in mind.

  • Linda

    October 2, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    Diana: I wish you could feel how much all of us adore you, and look to you as a sign of strength, faith, love and above all Grace! I would really really really buy a book by you.

  • Leslie

    October 2, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    There are a lot of grief and loss books out there… but there are also a lot of blogs. I read your blog regularly (out of all of the blogs out there) because I find your writing interesting and relatable. You have a “voice” that makes me want to read the next post, see what unfolds in the next chapter, and keeps me hoping that you find a happy ending. For that same reason I’m certain I’d read your book. I think a lot of other folks would, too.

  • Jenny McClamroch

    October 2, 2014 at 6:00 pm

    I would totally read your book! I have a friend that's an author and she says self publishing is totally the way to go. Honestly, even if what you say is very similar to what someone else has already said, you should still do it! Your voice is completely different from everyone else. I also think it could be very therapeutic for you! I know it would be for me. Hugs to you Diana!

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