This morning I decided to just unload on God.
There’s a part of me – probably the evangelical youth group girl – who feels a bit guilty doing this. Like, maybe I should just be thanking Him and praising and KLOVE’ing it up instead of telling Him that it feels like every gift given turns into a bandaid for the wound about to come.
There’s a song (that I really love) that always hits me because it says, “You’re the reason for – every good thing, every heartbeat, every day we get to breathe…”
And I always think – oh.
Holidays are hard. I don’t really know why they’re so much harder than any other day or time of the year, but my guess is that it’s the time of year everyone is so happy and loving and joyful and “Look at our kids all in their Christmas outfits!” and it hits me again that 3 of our 4 are gone.
I’m still really angry about this all. And I’m ok with letting God know. I don’t see the point in having a pretend, happy-go-lucky one on one with a God that knows every part of me, and all my sinful actions and thoughts.
I’ve had enough fake relationships in my life that were completely unfulfilling and forced me to be someone I wasn’t. I certainly don’t want that with God.
There’s always someone that comes along saying, “But you shouldn’t do that! You can’t tell God that! You can’t scream/curse at/throw things/cry again because you’re so blessed and if you’d just be thankful…”
Or the lovely one of, “I never asked God why, just like Job.”
Wonderful. I ask God why every day because that’s me. I’m not Job. I don’t expect an answer, but I do expect that He knows I’m thinking it anyway.
I don’t know why there is this mentality that we can’t be angry at God. What do we think our grievances will do?
“Gosh Diana, I thought you were this really nice person and this morning it seems like you’re so angry. So I’m going to have to move your seat back a few rows in heaven until this behavior stops. #blessed”
God knows y’all. He knows and He gets it and He’s sorry we’re so awful sometimes but I really don’t think He wants us to pretend it’s all ok. Yes, my heart needs an attitude adjustment soon. And I will ask forgiveness. And my goal isn’t to do this and revel in it “I swore at God this morning! Wheeeeeee!” – but it is to be honest in these moments.
Life is hard. It’s painful and full of things I don’t understand and I don’t like. I wish He’d allowed a different story for me, but this is what I’ve got to work with and I’m trying my best. I believe that in my raw feelings, my heart is being led to look at a different perspective.
So I rail at God, because if I can’t be honest with Him, then who?