Everyone has such catchy titles for their end of year posts. Mine just sums up how I felt today.
2014 was a difficult year for us. In ways that I haven’t written about because I just can’t yet. But even with grief, another failed adoption, etc – overall it was a year where things changed for the better. Are still changing for the better.
I have plans for 2015, and I regularly take them before God to make sure I’m not chasing paths and dreams I have no business pursuing.
Some plans are simply to continue what I’ve already started – homeschooling Bella. Going to therapy, and working on our marriage together. Figuring out how to still be a mama to three little boys I barely knew. Being a better, more present mother here.
Some are new, but have been on my heart for a while so I move forward with them.
And some are still uncertain.
One of our biggest (don’t freak out) is deciding if we ever want to try to have another child. It’s not out of the question. The founder of the HHV-6 foundation is willing to work alongside me every step of the way. Even though Kaden had it and passed away, Bella also has it. And it hasn’t affected her at all. There are many precautions I can take.
Yes, my pregnancies are hard. Yes, it’s a risk for each of us. If Bella hadn’t tested positive for ciHHV-6 we’d simply be done. Never again if we knew each baby that had it would go through what Kaden did. But she lived…
I lived, and I have it.
I pray about this every day. Sam and I talk about it often. We don’t know – and either way the decision is agonizing. In so many ways you may not even imagine. It won’t be something we take lightly, whichever way.
2014 changed the entire direction of my life – our lives. I can’t even tell you how thankful I am that the three of us are here. That I was able to travel to Zimbabwe. That I’m still writing and love it. That new opportunities come along every day. That my story is far from over.
I’m looking back on this year with some heartache and some relief – and looking very much forward to whatever 2015 has in store. Come what may, let it only draw us closer to Jesus in the heartache and hope.
Thank you all so much for being a part of this journey.
“Isn’t it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?” – Anne