This morning is a good one. I’m taking advantage of feeling human by studying, writing, and playing with Bella. It’s these kinds of mornings that give me a little reminder of how much my thoughts and frame of mind are affected by feeling sick all the time. It’s also a reminder that if I can hang on, I won’t feel the same forever.
I don’t know if anyone else does this, but when I feel sick for more than a day I start to irrationally think, “This is it. I’m going to be like this forever, nothing will ever get done, I’m always going to order fast food for us, let the house go and THIS IS THE END.”
Then I feel better and realize that’s not at all the case.
A couple of you offered up suggestions about letting school work go/taking a break for a while. I can totally understand how that looks like the best option when you’re reading how miserable I am! Two things about that though:
The first is that I simply can’t. I’m smack in the middle of a term, I have weekly deadlines that are strictly enforced, and letting school go means that I fail out of all of them right now. I’m using some student loans so that would really affect my ability to re-enroll.
Second – I love school! Yes, right now it’s a lot and really stressful. There are days I wonder if I’m going to lose my mind. Then I wonder if God perhaps wants me to since everything happened at once and BAM pregnancy. But I know that my sickness isn’t forever, and in the midst of feeling like crap, school gives me that reminder that I am doing something. I may not be able to cook or clean much, and have to lay down a lot, but I can study and write and ace all my classes (and I am) and that gives me a little boost at the end of each week. I’m doing this for me, and with all that’s happened – working on becoming a therapist and finishing my education is really important to me. I’ve stopped twice already in the past for various reasons, and this time I’m determined to keep going.
On that note, I’ve got quite a bit to get finished before Bella’s soccer game tonight. She’s sitting here next to me making a castle out of blocks – for her dinosaurs to live in obviously. No beds because according to her, no one really lived in a castle. They were just for visiting – even as royalty. Then you went to your real house after.
Oh 5. I love so many things about this age.