First Tri Thoughts

March 21, 2015

::waves::

I’m here! I’ve just been really, really nauseated. I can’t say it’s as bad as my other pregnancies because eating does help, but only if I eat almost constantly and never let my stomach get empty. Ever.

EVER.

Which really does a number on how I try to cope with inevitable weight gain.

Yes, even after all that’s happened, I still do think about the weight gain with this pregnancy.

So while I’m not throwing up, I do feel sick all day long. It’s awful. I’m miserable and trying to keep on top of school work and life – so I haven’t written here much for two reasons. One, I don’t have time. Two, being sick triggers a lot of depressive feelings in me, and I know everyone wants so badly to hear happy updates –

and right now I just don’t feel that way. I feel sick and exhausted and a leetle bit resentful at God that I’m in this position without any sort of reassurance that the end result is a baby to snuggle. I often feel so overwhelmed by this all because it reminds me of just how hard I tried with Kaden – how rough that pregnancy was and how I did anything and everything in my power to get him home safe.

It’s very, very hard still to think about that, and this pregnancy triggers a ton of those feelings lately.

I’m very much hoping that in second tri I’ll get a bit of a break from the sickness and this onslaught of feelings. Because I don’t want to feel this way, please know that before anyone (who usually doesn’t know our story) writes something about hope or choosing to be positive and I want to throw my computer out the window in a burning, hopeful rage.

Oh. Did I say that? 😉

I want to be excited and hopeful to – and I am, how can I not?! – but right now the sickness triggers so much anxiety and fear in me that I have to simply ride it out, talk it through, and write it to remind myself it’s ok, this isn’t all there is. I will feel better, even just a little better, in a few months.

Bella is excited, Sam is feeling about the same anxiety as me, and we’re all just in a holding pattern really.

In the meantime, here’s our 8 1/2 week ultrasound:

Baby Stone

Tiny bean with a fantastic heartbeat! Thank you for all the prayers for this little one.

36 Comments

  • Hilary

    March 26, 2015 at 5:58 am

    I really hate being pregnant. I love and cherish my babies (5 pregnancies, 3 live births, one terrible and long NICU stay), but pregnancy is woeful for me. One of our pastors favorite and oft used Calvin quotes is, “God uses our trials and tribulations to wean us from excessive love of this present life.” When I’m pregnant, heck all the time, I want comfort and assurance about all that feels off and wrong and scary. But when I pay attention to God’s truths, His promises–I belong to Him. My babies belong to Him. And hugging that toilet one more time or the fear and reality of worse things…can’t change that. No matter how it feels. He cares deeply for you and your babies and is working it all together for His ultimate glory (that we share in! How crazy is that!?!?!). So rest a lot, and eat a lot and remember that the promises of God are not mainly for this world.

    Prayers and much empathy for you and your family.

  • Roxanne

    March 25, 2015 at 12:45 pm

    Diana!
    Hi its me!!!! I haven’t contacted you in a long while, but I think of you so often. Which is crazy considering we have never met.
    I had a premonition that you were pregnant again, you delivered safely and healthily, and it was a gorgeous little girl.
    I have you in my prayers, sweet lady.
    I think you are tops. Strong, courageous, and awesome for thinking\writing the true raw thoughts that we all feel, but don’t have the courage to voice.
    Xoxoxoxo

    1. Roxanne

      March 25, 2015 at 12:47 pm

      I gotta say, I logged back in because if my premonition, and, alas! It was true!!!
      I really do think of you allll the time, and have shared your story with my closest people.
      Xoxoxo

  • Carrie

    March 23, 2015 at 6:28 pm

    Thinking of you! And sorry you’re not feeling well! :-/

  • Joy

    March 23, 2015 at 2:06 pm

    Pregnancy isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. It takes a huge toll on us mommies and we should be able to vent, guilt-free. It doesn’t mean we’re ungrateful whatsoever; it really is hard to be sick 24/7, especially when you have another child to look after (and school work, housework, etc.). I totally understand because I just got over the 1st trimester hump. And I’m huge (like each pregnancy has compounded my weight, thanks to PCOS, and I won’t take Metofrmin until I’m done being pregnant/breastfeeding which is the only thing that helps me to get over the weight loss plateau). I’m looking forward to baby, not looking forward to gaining another ~20-30 lbs on my 200 lb frame.

  • createdfamily

    March 22, 2015 at 10:06 pm

    Sending much love your way! I hope that the next trimester brings some relief.

  • Marisa Berquist

    March 22, 2015 at 9:25 pm

    Your heart is in my prayers. Wishing the very best, m

  • juliane

    March 22, 2015 at 2:41 pm

    Hoping second trimester helps with your sickness!! And you somehow can get some ease in your anxiety! Thinking of you and your family!

  • Jamie Galie

    March 22, 2015 at 10:24 am

    Prayers for you and your family! I went through hyperemesis with my son who is now 3.5 yrs old… had a picc line at 8 wks pregnant and a Reglan pump for nausea for 13 weeks and IV fluids at home.. lost 34 pounds and resulted in some severe PTSD.. finally accepted it and started trying again, was pregnant in December that ended in miscarriage 🙁 back at trying again! I feel your pain with nausea and sickness!! I can only pray for you that it lifts soon and that your pregnancy ends with a sweet baby to cuddle forever ♡ best wishes and prayers!!

  • Sarah Farley Cain

    March 22, 2015 at 4:23 am

    So much love for you!

  • sarah

    March 21, 2015 at 10:13 pm

    I second the protein. I found that even though what first comes to mind are crackers and stuff, protein helped the nausea much more. Might be different with the extreme nausea you get though. Hope and prayers for your family!

  • Christina Jokisch Whelan

    March 22, 2015 at 3:57 am

    That is fantastic news.. I've read every blog for all your pregnancies. I teaches out to you free your first miscarriage as i also had lost a son (stillborn at 6 months) my heart broke for every word you wrote, so reading this tonight bring a smile to my face. I pray that the end result is snuggles and that you get some sort of peace with your bought of nausea. You will be in my thoughts.. Good luck!!

  • Carolyn Allen Russell

    March 22, 2015 at 3:42 am

    I'm the same way with the having to keep full! I think I gained a few pounds a week for the first few weeks, just because that was the only thing that helped (so I'll take it!). I"m 11 weeks now and that doesn't help as much anymore, unfortunately : But I've definitely noticed that I feel better if I eat a lot of protein, so when I'm trying desperately to find something (ANYTHING!) that sounds edible, I try to find something with protein in it also. But the struggle is real, so I wish you good luck with the nausea (as well as the pregnancy overall). So many prayers are coming your way!

  • Anne Marie McKinnon Jackson

    March 22, 2015 at 1:57 am

    Praying. I know the anxiety…going through it myself. All we can do it pray.

  • Rebecca Taylor Miller

    March 22, 2015 at 1:56 am

    I'm in a similar boat. Three consecutive miscarriages with the last one being a partial molar pregnancy & now pregnant again. The first trimester was hell. I was so sick & totally taken by surprise the feelings of PTSD from my pregnancy last year. I was afraid it was another tumor. I drove my doctor crazy. I wrote Joshua 1:9 on my mirror & recited it daily. At 14 weeks, the nausea abated. I could eat again. I gained too many pounds from my liquid diet of chocolate milk & Sprite, but I am *trying * not to let it get to me. Like you, I know all too well that all of this sacrifice on our parts might not result in a live birth or a viable baby. Like you guys, my husband & I are concerned but refuse to let fear paralyze us. I am now a mother of five. I just have to hold on for the ride & pray we get to keep this one. If not, I will focus on my four year-old son & look forward to meeting my babies one day in the far future in heaven. That being said, this one better stay! Congratulations!

  • Krisdee Davey

    March 22, 2015 at 1:21 am

    <3

  • » First Tri Thoughts

    March 21, 2015 at 6:53 pm

    […] ::waves:: I’m here! I’ve just been really, really nauseated. I can’t say it’s as bad as my other pregnancies because …read more       […]

  • Amanda Rosenfried

    March 22, 2015 at 12:25 am

    Praying so hard for you!!!!!!! This is the miracle baby you WILL snuggle !

  • Terece Mugno

    March 22, 2015 at 12:07 am

    Praying that this will all be worth it.

  • melissa

    March 21, 2015 at 6:02 pm

    Praying for you Diana don’t worry too much about the school work take a break. I suffer terribly from morning sickness so my heart goes out to you we can love our babies, don’t feel bad not loving wrenching your stomach out with vomiting. Hugs xoxoxoxo

  • Rachell Hyde Henderson

    March 22, 2015 at 12:02 am

    Happy happy tears of Joy for yall!

  • Jennifer Sturniolo

    March 21, 2015 at 11:57 pm

    Have you tried sour apple jolly ranchers? Those and strawberry fruit roll ups and hard sour dough pretzels were my entire first trimester diet. Hope the nausea lifts for you soon.

  • Beth Herr Smith

    March 21, 2015 at 11:52 pm

    <3

  • Mary Lichlyter

    March 21, 2015 at 5:52 pm

    Praying for the cute tiny bean and for you. Hope that’s non-positive enough and yet not negative! You don’t want that either!

  • Megan Bruch

    March 21, 2015 at 11:45 pm

    I felt the same way with the eating ALL the time. I kept oyster crackers nearby at all times. I never eat them when not pregnant, but they got me through the first couple months. Praying for all of you!

  • Heather Brown McConnaughy

    March 21, 2015 at 11:45 pm

    Praying for peace and health!

  • Stefanie Miller

    March 21, 2015 at 11:43 pm

    Praying for you guys. I only know the anxiety I had during Cora's pregnancy…I can only imagine how you're feeling this time. But I am praying for you and Sam to fee peace as you walk this road again.

  • Megan Hammon

    March 21, 2015 at 11:41 pm

    I am due Oct 27th with baby number six. While I have never lost a child, I have a child that is very physically ill. We should keep in touch!

  • Barbara Markey

    March 21, 2015 at 11:33 pm

    Prayers!

  • Lisa Williams

    March 21, 2015 at 11:30 pm

    I am truly thrilled and excited to hear your news! Knowing what you have been through, I have marveled at the strength you must have, strength I am not sure I could muster if I had to walk in your shoes. I totally understand your anxiety and feelings too.. I had to have fertility treatments and we had a miscarriage. we went back and tried again and when they told me it had worked and I was pregnant again, I had a hard time being excited. I was scared and anxious. I tried to be cautiously optimistic…After a scare at 6 weeks, it DID get much better in the 2 trimester. I have you, Sam, Bella and this little one in my prayers!

  • Karen Perry Habiger

    March 21, 2015 at 11:27 pm

    Praying for you! My daughter was born less than 9 mos after my son died. That was a very tough 9 months! She's 23 now, but I still remember the misery of that pregnancy. Hugs!

  • Holly Hingley Grospitch

    March 21, 2015 at 11:24 pm

    Hoping for positivity for you. It must be excruciating. Hang in there.

  • Dawn Howell

    March 21, 2015 at 11:24 pm

    When I was in my first tri, I too felt better if I could just keep eating. I found cold green grapes were excellent – didn't trigger nausea, and kept my stomach working on something that wasn't really heavy.

  • Christi

    March 21, 2015 at 5:20 pm

    Thank you so much for the update! You have every reason in the world to be feeling the way that you are. I will pray that your sickness gets better and that the anxiety and fear will subside.

  • Jessica Davy

    March 21, 2015 at 11:18 pm

    Praying for you and your baby.

  • Maria

    March 21, 2015 at 5:03 pm

    Praying for you every day Diana!

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