I’m here! I’ve just been really, really nauseated. I can’t say it’s as bad as my other pregnancies because eating does help, but only if I eat almost constantly and never let my stomach get empty. Ever.
Which really does a number on how I try to cope with inevitable weight gain.
Yes, even after all that’s happened, I still do think about the weight gain with this pregnancy.
So while I’m not throwing up, I do feel sick all day long. It’s awful. I’m miserable and trying to keep on top of school work and life – so I haven’t written here much for two reasons. One, I don’t have time. Two, being sick triggers a lot of depressive feelings in me, and I know everyone wants so badly to hear happy updates –
and right now I just don’t feel that way. I feel sick and exhausted and a leetle bit resentful at God that I’m in this position without any sort of reassurance that the end result is a baby to snuggle. I often feel so overwhelmed by this all because it reminds me of just how hard I tried with Kaden – how rough that pregnancy was and how I did anything and everything in my power to get him home safe.
It’s very, very hard still to think about that, and this pregnancy triggers a ton of those feelings lately.
I’m very much hoping that in second tri I’ll get a bit of a break from the sickness and this onslaught of feelings. Because I don’t want to feel this way, please know that before anyone (who usually doesn’t know our story) writes something about hope or choosing to be positive and I want to throw my computer out the window in a burning, hopeful rage.
Oh. Did I say that? 😉
I want to be excited and hopeful to – and I am, how can I not?! – but right now the sickness triggers so much anxiety and fear in me that I have to simply ride it out, talk it through, and write it to remind myself it’s ok, this isn’t all there is. I will feel better, even just a little better, in a few months.
Bella is excited, Sam is feeling about the same anxiety as me, and we’re all just in a holding pattern really.
In the meantime, here’s our 8 1/2 week ultrasound:
Tiny bean with a fantastic heartbeat! Thank you for all the prayers for this little one.