Not Consumed

March 2, 2015

Today I’m at home, it’s raining out and I’m writing in our school room, Charlie at my side. Bella is at her hourly care class so I had time to work and finish up some papers for school.

I’m really trying not to let myself be consumed by this pregnancy. Looking back on Kaden’s (and the twins) I see how the fear and panic of it all just ate away at me. Months and months on end.

I can’t do that this time.

That might seem a little strange from someone who has experienced 3 losses and 3 high risk pregnancies (and is no longer on Zoloft), but it’s the truth.

Look at what happened. I spent all.that.time in fear, almost paralyzed by it at some points. Desperate for a different outcome. I did everything and then some.

And he still died.

I never imagined that he would have died after I carried him to full term. I imagined just about everything else though. And it didn’t help. It solved nothing.

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Sure I have fears and worries. But it feels different this time. Not because I’ve got this, “I’ve got a good feeling about this one!” mentality – that seems to strongly discount what I’ve just walked through. It’s more of a feeling that I’ve already faced this head on, and I’ll do my best within reason to my own sanity and the care of my family, and I’m putting the rest in God’s hands. I can’t live like I did with the past two pregnancies. I might have been there physically, but emotionally and mentally I was checked out into hyper freak out mode 80% of the time.

No matter what happens this time, no matter the diagnosis or the prognosis or the timeline or the right doctors or being treated badly or taking meds or shooting myself in the leg every night with Lovenox or a cerclage from hell or so many appointments I felt like I needed my own “10 visits get one free card” or rationalizing with myself all the signs and ways that told me it would be ok or holding my babies as they died – I have lived through this. Some of it twice. The very worst thing I thought could ever happen as a mother. I’m still here.

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Almost 19 months. Almost 3 years.

I want to believe so badly that this little one will come home with us this time. So you know what? There are times I let myself envision that, because it won’t change whatever going to happen. It might work out that way, it might not. So I’m choosing to have hope and also realism. I am not going to live in a “3rd times the charm!” world, and I’m not going to lay down and die for the next 8 months.

I’m going to continue my work, my school, the things I’ve set in motion. So if something does happen, I have a life to go on with. I’m going to be with Bella and Sam as a present, hopeful mama, and we’ll just love this little one as much as we can. I’ll go to my appointments and be my own advocate, ask questions and present what I’ve learned – I’ll give my best to this little life.

But at some point I have to trust that God is sovereign, and no amount of worrying on my end changes the plan He has for His own children. Man that’s hard to do. It’s so hard to trust.

Again.

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27 Comments

  • Amber

    March 11, 2015 at 7:36 pm

    Truly inspiring. Its been a year and five mths on the 15 th since we lost our son the talk of trying for another hasn’t came about. Im just starting to embrace life and the blessings I still have around me.Lately ive found myself thinking about what if we did try again but then the overwhelming fear and pain resurface.You are such an amazingly strong woman and I love how you refuse to give up or let anything get in your way if your ambitions.Thank you Diana for being such a wonderful inspiration in my life

  • Lori

    March 5, 2015 at 12:16 pm

    Congratulations on this pregnancy. I’m not sure that’s okay to say. I don’t ever know what’s okay to say. I will pray for your strength, confidence and comfort.

  • Deb

    March 5, 2015 at 8:26 am

    God bless and keep you all in this journey. I will be praying for you and your strength through this pregnancy. May His mighty hand hold you in comfort as He lifts your spirit and trust in Him.

  • Sherri

    March 4, 2015 at 1:39 am

    I think you respective is amazing… and probably the smartest choice you can make for you and your family right now.

  • inbetweenthepiles

    March 3, 2015 at 8:54 pm

    Love this post. It’s like a big exhalation. My faith has grown because of your sharing your experiences and your faith walk…thank you. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately (and praying, too). I love this post and the peace that emanates from it. You are wonderful and amazing, and I hope you feel that love surrounding you every day of this pregnancy as you embody your life as a mama, wife, and student. Thank you for sharing your story with us. My life has been forever changed.

  • Ashley

    March 3, 2015 at 8:07 pm

    Prayers for you and this pregnancy!

  • Leigh Ann Steeber

    March 3, 2015 at 9:29 pm

    I just want you to know that I've shared bits of your story with my husband. Today when he and I were praying he began lifting you and your baby up-on his own. It was just on his heart. It so filled me. Diana, people are praying for you…I hope that brings you a little joy. God really loves you!!

  • Suz

    March 3, 2015 at 8:59 am

    I love your trust, faith & hope. I’m praying those same things for you too. <3

  • Fadra

    March 3, 2015 at 8:33 am

    I’m with you. In spirit, in emotion, in positivity, in light. I’m with you in trusting that God knows exactly what outcome you need.

  • Amy VanKleeck

    March 3, 2015 at 6:26 am

    Just Prayed, somewhat tearfully, that this babe will be such a blessing and gift. You have such a good outlook.

  • Kristin Novotny (@littlemamajama)

    March 2, 2015 at 8:49 pm

    Diana, you are remarkable. You and your family are in my prayers.

  • Kiera Casper Chiarino

    March 3, 2015 at 2:49 am

    I love reading your posts. You truly are inspiring. I wanted to tell you that I named my second son Caeden. I fell in love with the name after your son. I know it's a different spelling, but it is inspired by you and your sweet little boy. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

  • SixPackMommy

    March 2, 2015 at 6:43 pm

    Diana, I’ve followed you for a long time, & I’ve shed so many tears for your losses. But THIS post- wow. It’s so powerful in its message of His hope. Not just the hope for a positive outcome, but for the hope that we don’t have to live in fear. That’s easy to say when our circumstances are calm and/or favorable, but another when we are in the crossroads of uncertainty.

    Thank you for not only sharing your life with us on your blog, but your heart. I will be be praying, so much, in the upcoming months for you.

  • Molly

    March 2, 2015 at 5:23 pm

    Praying <3

  • Christi Jenkins

    March 2, 2015 at 10:49 pm

    You are amazing. Such an inspiration. Prayers and hopes for this little one.

  • Mrs. H.

    March 2, 2015 at 3:33 pm

    We’ve never met, I am a fellow Army wife and I have followed you faithfully since right before the birth of Kaden. My third son was born a month prior to K. I held him in my arms, wondered at the unfairness of life for you, and wept for you for a year. I still weep for you when you write about your grief. And we are pregnant again together and I want you to know every time I pray for this child in my womb, I will be praying for you and yours.

  • » Not Consumed

    March 2, 2015 at 3:01 pm

    […] Today I’m at home, it’s raining out and I’m writing in our school room, Charlie at my side. Bella is …read more       […]

  • GP Vlahopoulos

    March 2, 2015 at 2:52 pm

    i pray that you have a healthy happy pregnancy and your family enjoys this special time and that it is god’s will that you have this child to nurture and care for always.

    best wishes.

  • Stacy

    March 2, 2015 at 2:45 pm

    Prayers, love & peace for you as you embark on this journey. And all the healthy baby dust in the universe <3

  • Kate Boriack

    March 2, 2015 at 9:28 pm

    Prayers for you, your family and this new life in Gods hands. Like you said you have done it all – the worrying etc – and it helps none. Not easy but if anyone can live their life in the face of all of this its YOU! Followed your story since the twins.

  • Stefanie Miller

    March 2, 2015 at 9:16 pm

    Praying peace during this pregnancy…and obviously praying for a healthy baby at the end of it all.

  • Brei Martin Floyd

    March 2, 2015 at 9:13 pm

    Damn. You inspire me. Your spirit amazes me!

  • Mandy

    March 2, 2015 at 1:49 pm

    I love you so much Diana. Your writing gives me so much hope in the face of fear. Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for your faith and your fear. <3

  • Amanda Manby

    March 2, 2015 at 8:47 pm

    <3 So many prayers for you and yours, dear friend. <3

  • Jennifer Richey Luchsinger

    March 2, 2015 at 8:37 pm

    Wow. Amazing.

  • Rachael Hudson Mitchell

    March 2, 2015 at 8:32 pm

    <3 I can't even. You are just so eloquent.

  • Sarah K

    March 2, 2015 at 1:32 pm

    I love this, Diana. Such wisdom and strength that can only come from a sovereign God. Please know there is an army storming the gates of heaven for the next several months on your behalf. We are with you, sister.

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