About a Girl

April 28, 2015

I look down at my growing stomach (4th pregnancy isn’t joking around y’all) and it’s so odd after two pregnancies and three boys and six boy names to know this one is a girl.

I’m excited for Bella to have a sister, and I’m honestly really excited to do girl stuff all over again. I saved many of Bella’s things. Hauled it through all our moves. Stored it in the closets. When I was toward the end of my pregnancy with Kaden, Sam and I talked about having one more.

I’d had a feeling pretty early on that this baby might be a girl, since my morning sickness pattern was so close to being pregnant with Bella. I didn’t take any medication with her for that until second trimester, so I remembered it really well. And this time, no meds again since we don’t know what triggers a ciHHV-6 activation.

I have to say, I’m not really “getting ready.” I’m not there and I don’t know if I will be even during this pregnancy. There is a part of me that wants to put even buying a car seat on hold until we know she’s going to come home. Driving home and uninstalling a car seat – for some reason that is just too much for me to comprehend again.

I know that there are many people I bump into or read this that would urge me to keep a (more) optimistic outlook, but I feel that I’m doing the very best I can given the circumstances I’ve walked through and still face. I go to my appointments. I talk about her with Bella. I take care of myself. So if waiting to buy baby things until she’s home is what we need to do to keep a little protection around our hearts and minds, I think that’s perfectly fine. It certainly won’t change our love for her, but it allows me a realistic view and not live in a fantasy “this can’t happen a third time” world.

It can. It might. I pray it won’t.

However, I’d say while 50% of my time is spent on trying to prepare my heart for a loss instead of a surprise again, the other 50% is letting myself dream and plan. I do picture Bella with her, I let my heart think about how it would be to snuggle a little one wearing a onesie we adored on Bella, to see Sam with a tiny one in the crook of his #samsarms (if you’re on IG you may have seen us tag his arms with this 🙂 ) . I think about her growing up so close in age to my sister’s baby too.

In the meantime, we are pretty certain we have a name (!!) and we love it. Still deciding on middle names however. I don’t know if we’ll share them or not. Sorry about being such a tease 😉 but I love waiting for a name reveal when others have a baby on the way.

Oh and I’m already 14 weeks! It feels like it’s gone by really quick so far.

 

 

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11 Comments

  • Debbie

    May 3, 2015 at 9:23 am

    I have been through a lot of losses, two adoptions and then a surprise pregnancy that stuck when I was 43. I totally understand not buying anything or “getting ready” until the baby comes home. I did that 3 times. Especially with the last. I was afraid he was going to die the whole time I was pregnant. You know what? Babies don’t really need that much. Dad can go to Target and pick up a car seat no biggie. The other stuff just comes. I totally had to protect my heart. I remember so clearly the sorrow of taking baby clothes back on my birthday when an adoption fell through. Couldn’t do that to myself again.

  • Mandy Jackson

    April 29, 2015 at 3:54 am

    <3

  • createdfamily

    April 28, 2015 at 9:30 pm

    I agree, if waiting is what feels right to your heart then waiting it is. Don’t push yourself too much on this, listen to your heart and gut. All those sweet little baby things will be ready when you are.

  • Jessica

    April 28, 2015 at 8:45 pm

    Everything you feel is completely understandable. When you are ready you can get everything. I also would like to pass on some of Ana’s old things to you (again when you are ready).

  • sarah

    April 28, 2015 at 7:33 pm

    I found out I was pregnant shortly after you, but I lost mine. I don’t blame you for waiting to buy a carseat. Like someone else said, it’s easy enough to get one when you’re ready for it 🙂

  • Karri

    April 28, 2015 at 4:32 pm

    I found it so very import to distract myself from the ‘what-ifs’ of pregnancy. There are far too many. One day at a time was all I could figure on (Today, my baby is alive!).

    Soon you will feel baby moving and I hope that will be a blessing for you. To have some sort of connection with the sweet baby you are growing.

  • Meryl Uranga

    April 28, 2015 at 10:23 pm

    I totally get it. I remember buying my son's first pair of little blue socks at 35 weeks (he was born at 37!) after 2 back to back losses. I just couldn't go there. And even then I felt nervous assuming he'd be okay. He's a full grown adult now but those feelings still come back so easily. I am praying so hard for your healthy daughter to be here in 26ish weeks!!!

  • » About a Girl

    April 28, 2015 at 3:23 pm

    […] About a Girl […]

  • Leah

    April 28, 2015 at 2:30 pm

    I have a friend who suffered a terrible loss & waited on nearly everything until her next baby came home. And ya know what? It all worked out just fine. With a Walmart on every corner it’s not difficult to run out & get what you need. Do what’s best for you.

  • Kristy Thurmer

    April 28, 2015 at 8:10 pm

    I really love following along in your pregnancy, as I am only a week behind you. But I have many of the same feelings as you do, although my story is much less complicated and sad as yours. Anyway, thank you for sharing so openly to help people like me know we are not alone. And just so you know…. you are not alone!

  • kasmith03

    April 28, 2015 at 1:46 pm

    I think you do what is best for you…regardless of what people think. So if you have to make a mad dash from the hospital to get a car seat…then you do. We all do the best we can with what we have at that moment. You are doing that. I applaud you! Praying for you and that little one!

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