Hope Intertwined

June 16, 2015

It’s fairly easy to talk myself into a “rational” state this pregnancy. For a while.

I will not get too invested. Invested just enough.

I will not plan for after.

I will not allow myself to daydream too much.

I will stay calm and practical about this all.

I will not be surprised by pain again. I will be prepared.

However that happens.

And then I feel baby kicks. I see her little face on the screen, her hands waving wildly. I hear Bella say her name, and watch Sam put his head on my stomach to talk to her. I carry her with me everywhere I go, my mind wanders to a nursery theme, cloth diapers, packing a hospital bag.

It’s in these moments I know, so deeply, that if I were to hold myself back, to only give a small part of my heart to her – and something happened again – I would grieve just as hard, but differently too. I would grieve for the months I didn’t just let myself fall in love and hope.

I did with Kaden. Around 30 weeks – you all remember? I let myself buy clothes. Pick out an elephant theme. Dream. Anticipate. Plan. It was all going to be ok.

The shock of hearing he was going to die too – I can’t even describe it. I was so, so angry and hurt that I got to the point of letting go only to have to reel my emotions in again, to come home and put it all away, to lay in bed and sob in the very place I’d dreamed of holding him.

Those feelings have slowly changed in the past nearly two years. The hurt, the shock is still there. But so is the realization that I loved him deeply in the months before I even knew him. Somehow it all ended up intertwined. I have very few regrets about my pregnancy with him. I allowed myself to feel anxiety and terror of losing him like Preston and Julian, and I also allowed myself to hope.

I think back now and wonder – what else could I have done in that case? Pretend I didn’t want them? That they didn’t matter or their lives didn’t shatter mine into a billion pieces and change it all in a matter of minutes/hours/days? I did exactly what I needed to do, I gave them my whole heart the best I knew how.

And so it is with this little girl. I may hesitate to buy a car seat, decorate a nursery. I’m ok with those feelings – even if I send Sam to buy a carseat while we wait in the hospital. That would actually be the best – because she’d be coming home. What wonderful words to say, “Would you go buy a carseat so we can all go home?”

What I’m working on is being able to hope for that moment, for her with every fiber of my being. Of knowing that I let myself fall head over heels with her, regardless of my heart and head both screaming, “Oh no, no, we can’t do this again. This hurts so much.

I know. I know how hard it is to do it again. I already did this. I already hoped, I already cried at night in fear, I already prayed for my baby to be spared, I already woke up convinced my water broke, I already held my babies and wondered if my heart would stop from the pain of doing this. Again. My mind recoils when I find myself thinking of the “what if…” – and yet human nature is to find hope where it might seem a little crazy.

But I want to. I would rather hurt from incredible love and my hopes being crushed, than hurt from knowing I didn’t get to that point with one of my children. I don’t know exactly how I’ll do this again, intertwining pain and terror and hope in every step, yet I don’t know how the rest of this has happened either and somehow we still have a life and a story.

Now I’m praying so hard we get a different story to share with this new life. I know so many of you pray that with me as we count this down. Thank you.

13 Comments

  • Tricia Miller

    June 30, 2015 at 7:31 pm

    I love you and Bella and Charlotte and Kaden and Preston and Julian so much. I pray everyday so hard for her, that she gets to come home. I pray that God take something from ME before you, if God-forbid it comes to that. It all gets intertwined, that's exactly it. It's almost automatic and knee-jerk, the hoping. Anyway, I'm here for you as always and If you need anything please don't hesitate to ask.

  • Annet Maurer

    June 18, 2015 at 1:47 am

    Thanks for sharing those links, I was not aware of that story/background and only kind of knew the song. My son was also born with a heart condition, corrected at 7 days old, 7 years ago. Matt's video made me cry, but in a good way, because our miracle happened and our son is healthy as a horse.

  • Sarah

    June 17, 2015 at 12:09 pm

    I think that’s all you can do, and hopefully the fear will ease. But the truth is our children are on lend from God and really we can lose them at anytime. Before it was “if I can just make it until viability” then with Kaden, full term and still lost him. It will probably be hard for a while even after she is born. So hard not to be fearful of what will happen next. All we can do is love and raise them while we have them. Many prayers for you on this journey!

  • Marisa

    June 17, 2015 at 7:39 am

    Prayers for you and your precious baby girl.

  • Kay

    June 17, 2015 at 7:02 am

    Proverbs 31:25 (ERV) She is a strong person, and people respect her.She looks to the future with confidence.

    I am praying for you and your little baby girl…!

  • Krista

    June 17, 2015 at 5:52 am

    If it weren’t for your writing, I would know nothing of you and your family. But I do, and my mama heart prays for yours.

  • Jessica Murphy

    June 17, 2015 at 3:23 am

    Sending you so much love, Diana.

  • angelnik03

    June 16, 2015 at 8:59 pm

    Loving on you and praying for your family.

  • Elise N Hoffman

    June 17, 2015 at 2:43 am

    Reminds me of a song by Matt Hammitt of the Christian band Sanctus Real, that he wrote for his now-four-year-old son, Bowen, who was born with hypoplastic left heart.
    Here he talks about the writing of the song: http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=FFF1FJNU
    Here's the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARIe3PUgu84

  • Suzie

    June 16, 2015 at 7:48 pm

    Praying With you.

  • amytd81

    June 16, 2015 at 7:28 pm

    Thinking of you always, friend.

  • Hannah DeVries

    June 17, 2015 at 1:08 am

    Timing! You came to mind this morning for some reason and this was exactly what I was thinking. That surely this time you have to take your baby home. But you thought that was going to happen with Kaden and it didn't. Hoping for the best with you!

  • Jo Marshall

    June 17, 2015 at 1:00 am

    From all the way over here in Australia. You are one of the bravest women I have ever had the pleasure to read the words of. Sending so much hope and good wishes your way xxx

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