Today I suddenly realized that if I make it to the weeks I had Bella and Kaden, I have 10 weeks left with this pregnancy.
Of course, even though I’m already giant and wondering how I’ll make 10 more without my leg falling off (yep, hip pain again), I would love to get to full full term with her. But I’ll take what I can get – I can’t tell you what a relief it is mentally to get past 20 weeks with all the worries from Preston and Julian, and head into viability where I can start to prepare myself for having a baby who has a chance to live.
Does that make sense? About 14-24 weeks is so hard, it seems like every time I felt anything I started to wonder, “Is this it? Is my water going to break? Will I have to deliver another child who won’t live?”
It isn’t easier to be in these weeks, especially knowing that nothing is really “safe.” And there was a point I felt that with Kaden. My heart aches to start planning, preparing, hoping more – and I pull back every time I think about just doing it. Buying things, setting up things, going through stuff we need to get rid of, or we need more of.
I just can’t. It hurts to type that because I’d love to be like some of my loss friends who bravely prepare, but I’m simply not there. I can’t undo a life for a third time. I still have things from the twins – the little Bo and Go (buy one get one) onesies I bought, the doubles in toys. I had everything of Kaden’s out and ready, organized in little containers. Books and diapers, pacifiers and breast pads, clothes folded, diapers washed and ready.
I had to put it all away. One painstaking thing at a time as I bawled and tried to comprehend what had just happened to my life again.
27 weeks. So certainly close to the uncertainty of it all. I feel the rush of both total excitement and terror when I think of what is going to happen now that we are in a stage she can live when born.
I’m probably the most scared I’ve ever been. Ever. Beyond anything else – I just really, really don’t want to do this again y’all. Oh my heart. I can’t imagine us grieving a fourth baby, planning a third funeral, taking home a third urn, opening a fourth death certificate, and starting this process again.
Sometimes I just look up and say, “Please don’t allow us to walk this again. Do you understand we can’t? We just can’t. Just let us have her.” It won’t make it all better – that’s not what I’m seeking. I just don’t want to go through this again. I can’t fathom us surviving another loss like this.
10 weeks and counting.