July 31, 2015

We met with the neonatologist this week. She and the others were staffed by the high risk OB department on us, and they wanted to meet for more information on our case and explain what would happen should Charlotte be born from now until about 35/36 weeks.

If you are a doctor/nurse/professional in a medical field and you’re reading this or passing it along to someone who is – please know that your words to people who have experienced a loss mean SO much. I can’t tell you what it does for Sam and I to be told by someone who sees every aspect of human life and death, “You have been through something we can’t even imagine. We’re going to do everything we can.” Those kinds of words are incredibly validating in this experience.

After we were done talking and giving her more information on ciHHV-6, she asked if we’d like to tour the NICU and Labor & Delivery. I side eyed Sam because this was something we hadn’t discussed doing, we had actually planned on going to L&D with our therapist.

For those who may not know – I’m having Charlotte at the same hospital where I had the twins and all the mess that came with it. So all kinds of triggers and memories there, and I’d never been back to that floor in the three years since.

We both agreed we were ready – as ready as we’d ever be. So along we walked to the NICU (Kaden was at a different one, and then Dallas, but they all tend to have the same kind of things going on) and all I could think of was how many times we walked through the doors, signed in, washed our hands, gowned up, masks on, and rounded the corner to see him with our hearts in our throats.

Walking through those doors was surreal. Little incubators, tiny feet, special blankets, nursing mamas – I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I kept telling myself, “Hold it together. These people have enough stress without you walking in and sobbing your way through their babies.” And I did – we both did.


Then we came to an open bed with a little one hooked up to multiple monitors, a breathing tube, all the things Kaden had. I couldn’t take my eyes away as it waved its little hands and looked so uncomfortable, and then the machines beeped.

I just started to cry, because for a moment I was right there. At Kaden’s bed. My insides all twisted that he was so uncomfortable all the time, his little lips always dry and his eyes always searching, the medical tape on his face holding things in. Trying to shut off every maternal instinct to rip all the tubes from him and just run and run and run with him in my arms.


I turned slightly away and the neonatologist stepped forward to hug me as I pulled myself quickly together. Sam grabbed my hand and held on as we walked out.

After that we headed to Labor & Delivery, where this entire pregnancy I’ve dreaded having to go back to. I think I was so numb and overwhelmed at that point that it didn’t hit me as hard as it might have had we gone there first. Yet still, being on that floor and seeing the exact room – I walked in and glanced at the bathroom where I’d first seen their little faces. The bed where Sam told me he could still feel them moving that first night I was there. I looked around and thought, “It seemed a lot bigger in my mind.” It was still beautiful, as all the rooms there are. It didn’t hold the sense of doom and terror that I’d equated it with for so long now.

After, I headed to pick up Bella while Sam went back to work. That night, and today in our therapy session, we talked about what we’d experienced. Sam had the same feelings as me of wanting to keep Kaden comfortable and knowing he wasn’t, and that sense of helplessness as we tried to parent him around the nurses and tubes. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “All your child knew was love.” Sam and I agreed that from us, that was all Kaden and the twins knew, but we also deeply understand our little boys suffered and hurt and experienced pain that can only come with dying. As parents, that’s almost too much to try to think on for long.


It was a hard day. Very hard. I wrote that evening on Instagram – seeing those little ones the same gestational age as Charlotte is now (27/28 weeks), it suddenly hit me that we’re going to have her. We might not know the outcome, but one way or another she’s going to be here. We thought Kaden was coming home while he was here, so we didn’t take much to the NICU, and then when he transferred to Dallas I needed to pack very light or the flight crew wouldn’t be able to take me at all. So I packed almost nothing.

So most of the things we have that were his, he never touched or wore.


I love what we do have for him, I’ll cherish those little outfits, hats, his pacifier forever. No matter what happens, I know I’ll want that with Charlotte. I started a small registry on The Land of Nod for things I want to buy for her in the coming weeks, Sam and I talked about switching around rooms in the house to eventually make one hers. It wasn’t anything enormous, but small steps in acknowledgement that we’ve all made it this far, and our hope is that we get to bring her home to a family that would do just about anything to get her here.

It was so strange to stand in the hospital I’d had Preston and Julian, looking at a baby that reminded me so much of Kaden, while carrying Charlotte. Like all three of their little worlds collided for just a few moments in time.


  • Amy Sulpazo

    August 4, 2015 at 1:55 am

    Although there is nothing that I could write that could possibly give you the comfort you deserve, I ray you receive a sign that might allow you to breathe a bit easier. There aren't many days that pass where I don't think of you and especially your sweet Kaden. Thank you for sharing your life.

  • Rebecca Siewert

    August 2, 2015 at 4:44 am

    Just found you on instagram and have been reading for over an hour! You write beautifully and with so much openness. I am a mama to a 32 weeker, now turning 10, and a 37 weeker that is 4. After a week long process of trying to stay pregnant our daughter was born and spent 19 days in the nicu. We waited for almost 5 years to try again and when we did i was so scared. We found out why our daughter was born so early and that it was a physical issue with me. At the very beginning we were told there were two sacks. At 13 weeks i started bleeding heavily and was told i had a miscarriage… For 24 hours we waited for an ultrasound, when it came we were told our one baby was fine. We had lost the other, but because i was only 13 weeks and they had not seen two heartbeats they refused to say our second twin….

    I pray for your mommy heart as you get close to your new baby girl. It is really hard to plan and prepare when you know it could hurt so. Hugs

  • Taunia McGann Livingston

    August 1, 2015 at 1:39 am

    I sincerely pray that you have a memorable experience while greeting Miss Charlofte in to this world! I respect your memories you share about your 3 sons and respect you and your husband for facing your fears with such dignity. I don't know you all personally but wait with hope and God's hand to touch you all in the weeks leading up to Miss Charlotte's arrival! God bless!

  • Kay Kathleen

    July 31, 2015 at 7:36 pm

    I am praying for you constantly. You are so brave, you are so strong.

  • Kate Bryan

    August 1, 2015 at 1:34 am

    I just sat here staring at the blank comment form for a long time not knowing what to say. This was very emotional to read, and I am just praying that you have such a different experience with Charlotte. But I love how you connected your 3 other boys with her in that moment, despite it being a very hard one.

  • Kristi Palm

    August 1, 2015 at 1:03 am

    You are the bravest women that I know. Much love and peace!

  • autumnhm

    July 31, 2015 at 6:16 pm

    First I totally agree with you about the medical staff thing. It is so nice to hear the words “We are here to help you.” I will never forget the last time I went in to hear my daughter’s heartbeat. I went in because I was nervous after what had happened with our son. I ended up having the Doctor that delivered our son and he told me that whenever I had that mother’s instinct that I was more than welcome to come and get the heart beat and to never feel foolish about it. Then the nurse told me that when they found out that I felt movement they all gave each other thumbs up since they had all been involved in my son’s delivery. It is such a relief to have a supportive medical staff by your side that truly cares 🙂 I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes by quickly and smoothly. I wish you all the luck in the world and then some 🙂

  • Kelley T

    July 31, 2015 at 6:00 pm

    I have your name at my desk and pray for you regularly. My heart is with you. Thank you for your updates and your transparency.

  • Lauren Scott

    July 31, 2015 at 11:43 pm

    I've never met you Diana but I have so much love in my heart for you.

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