I’ve been in a terrible mood lately. I can’t place my finger exactly on what it is. Maybe a little of everything.
I think it has to do with my birthday and Kaden’s birthday coming up. I never dreaded my birthday until last year, and then I just wanted it to be over. I turned off the date on FB so I wouldn’t have to wake to, “Hope your day is wonderful!” and think about how it was just the opposite. How a year before I’d woken up knowing that my son would probably be in my arms in four short days.
Since the twins died the day they were born, there’s no need for me to do anything but be sad on May 3rd. In my head, I can’t even pretend, “They’d be 3 today!” because it was too early. That day just – is horrible. And I am comfortable with that.
They’d be three the day Kaden died. August 26th was my tentative scheduled due date with them. I don’t think I ever wrote that on here.
With Kaden’s birthday, I feel stuck. Like in some way I should stay calm until the 26th. Hold it together. After all, August 5th was a happy day for us, mostly. Until I realized something was wrong and he didn’t come back from the NICU and I spent the night in the postpartum room crying.
So not really then.
The hardest part is that I dread what will happen that day. Will people remember? And if they do, then what? What do I want “in remembrance?” Last year I got texts with unhappy faces and little notes – and I felt so angry that was it BUT I have no idea what else I’d want. I also had a few people send me presents – actually that was really lovely. Really.
Mostly I just want that day to be over.
I want to be left alone and if I am I’d be upset.
I want him to be remembered as more than a 🙁 and if he was I’d feel upset.
I want someone, anyone, to acknowledge in some huge way that his life somehow both ended and started mine, and I have no idea what that looks like.
I want the world to stop.
No one can “win” in grief and mine is so complicated and messy that nothing seems right. I feel like everyone around me knew what to do when Preston and Julian died. I feel like I know what to do on that day.
Kaden’s days are lost on me. Nothing feels right. It simply haunts me from mid-July on.
I feel so alone in this. Maybe the only one who gets it is Sam, and he and I talk about it often enough. I think he feels the same – what do you do to just get through the day/week/month? If we had enough money, I’d pack us all up on those days and go do something big – a cruise. A trip overseas. A one way flight to the moon.
But the 5th will come, it will be 24 hours, it will go. And that will be all. I’ll have 3 weeks until the day he died and then holidays to deal with and then…
I don’t know.
Maybe somewhere in there, we will have a baby come home. Maybe one of these holidays I’ll show up with a little one instead of another broken heart.
It is what it is. That is all. There isn’t anything to fix this, I simply have to go through it. I know some of you might read this and feel like you simply must give me a suggestion, and I understand your hearts on that (I feel the same when friends say this stuff to me, “Oh Diana, fix it quick! It hurts to see them hurt.”), but reading/sharing/leaving a heart/commenting “Me too/I’m so sorry” is enough – for anyone with a loss.
To be brutally honest – suggestions make me feel like I’ve been doing this all wrong.
I write to connect with anyone out there who might be dealing with the same, or knows someone who is. I write because it helps so, so much. I’ve started to read my old posts from when Kaden died. I sit and sob and then I think, “I can’t believe we lived through that again.” And I feel just a little stronger, a little less scared.
There is never going to be a fix, a suggestion that makes this easier. There’s me and God and my thoughts – working this out one moment at a time. Healing me a little more until I’m not wiping away quite so many tears in a Starbucks as I write. Pulling me through to the other side of these days to the next.