Lie to Me

August 13, 2015

This has been a brutally honest pregnancy all the way around. From our doctors, therapist, friends, family – everyone has really understood the high risks and respected what has happened twice before.

Rarely do I hear a flippant response anymore, except from someone who either doesn’t know our history or does but can’t process it and blurts out the first thing they think of.

But in our circle, there is honesty and tears, hope and pain. We are all in this together, watching Charlotte through pictures and monitors as we wait and wonder what the next few weeks will bring. Will she come home?

Lie to Me

Sometimes, especially like last week with Kaden’s two-year birthday, I secretly long to be lied to. It was so hard to live through that day, see her on the ultrasound screen in my appointment, and keep thinking, “Oh, how much I wish he was standing here next to me, a little towhead who has dirt under his nails and maybe a paci he won’t give up yet. Chubby little hands and a sweet voice with just a few words on repeat.”

I want someone to grab me up and firmly tell me, “I know. I KNOW. She’s going to be fine, I can tell you this because I just know. You won’t have to grieve another child.”

I wouldn’t believe them of course. I’d probably bonk them on the head and ask them to back their certainty up with tangible evidence. Yet there is a small part of me that wants to hear those words so much. It’s almost daily that I remind myself, “We had signs with Kaden. Prayers. The best medical care. All the assurances in the world – so even if someone tells you, ‘I’m sure it’s all going to work out this time’ – no one really knows that.”

I often feel like “pulling a Gideon” – asking God to let the fleece be soaked with water in the morning. Trying not to test or barter with Him in exchange for her life: if you let Charlotte come home, if you won’t let us walk this again… I know He doesn’t work that way, but it’s so tempting to try.

Living in reality is easier than pretending or faking my way through this. Easier on my mind and anxiety in many ways, and easier because it lets me really long for and miss my sons without having their lives brushed aside. There is hope here, make no mistake. But hope grounded in a very real understanding of reality. And even so, even knowing that and being proud of how far we all have come in this together with our candid talks, your reaction here – there is still that wish that I could be told, “It’s all going to be just perfect, wait for it, she’s coming home, look at me – I know -”

And the wish that if someone did, I could believe it with everything in me.

7 Comments

  • Sarah at SmallWorld

    August 17, 2015 at 5:30 am

    So beautiful.

  • Lynn Sabrina

    August 14, 2015 at 1:12 pm

    Diana, it was I who had the vision/dream about all the angels surrounding Kaden in the hospital, and when I first learned about Charlotte, I had a similar vision/dream about them surrounding her to the point where I could hardly see you (although you had your own surrounding you, at the moment she was tiny she had a lot more). I have dreamt several times about the angels protecting her, literally being around her and around your womb, just being there. I hesitated to write because I don't know what is best sometimes and I don't want to hurt you any more than you've been hurt. But after reading this post I believe I'm meant to tell you now. And I truly believe Charlotte is healthy and will live to be a very old great grandmother. I pray it's the right thing to say all this. It's meant in the best way possible of course. Prayers and love as always.

  • Nina Kusnetzow Suarez

    August 14, 2015 at 1:08 pm

    I will will, for you, for this baby to go home. I will believe, for you, that Charlotte will be healthy, well and will go live a long happy life in your family. Everytime I think of this blog, your story (I've followed since Kaden) I will say a quick prayer, for you, that this time God let you keep His gift, this baby, for a long long time to enjoy.

  • Valarie Wilson

    August 14, 2015 at 11:46 am

    For over two years you, Sam, Bella, Kaden and now Charlotte (you came into my life via SRT after the twins) have been in my life. I've saturated you all in prayer, cried with along with you, and yes — hoped with and for you. I've learned that being a begger in prayer doesn't always get me what I'm praying for, yet I remain a begger for Charlotte and your family. . . <3

  • Janet Kealy

    August 14, 2015 at 7:09 am

    Beautifully written. Everyone rooting for you xxx

  • Megan Hammon

    August 14, 2015 at 12:25 am

    Hi Diane, when are you due? I am due October 25th, baby number six! I have never lost a baby, but our third born was born extremely ill and each day is a battle. We thank God for each day he gives us together, becaus she is so ill I’m always worried I will have a baby with her same problems ;( my whole pregnancy I was told she was so healthy only to find out when she was born that wasn’t the case. We have come clos to losing Hailey 5 times in her life. She is eight years old now. The hospital trips never get any easier. My heart just sinks everytime we go to the doctor. Sometimes I feel like how much bad news can one person take? I think about you often and your family is always in our prayers!

  • Laura Nelson Magu

    August 14, 2015 at 5:32 am

    sending you so many hugs, Diana.

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