The Fear of Almost There

September 16, 2015

When I was around 24 weeks pregnant with Kaden, everyone gave a huge sigh of relief. I’d made it to the “safe(r)” zone and past where I’d lost Preston and Julian. His ultrasounds were good. My cerclage was in place and things weren’t changing down there. I remember my OB saying after an ultrasound, “Things look great.”

I asked my therapist the next day, “Is it strange that I felt the need to ask her to look again? To make sure? I almost couldn’t believe her.” She assured me this was perfectly normal, that with Bella’s crazy pregnancy and the twins – it was natural to feel that things couldn’t be ok this time.

Sometimes I wonder if I’d asked her to look again, if we might have known, caught something…

Leaning against the counter today at my 34 week appointment, the high risk doctor told me she doesn’t see a need for more ultrasounds from here on out (although Sam asked for the one we have next week as our last), and no reason to start anything else.

“She’s good,” she said. “We can’t see anything and honestly, even if we could there isn’t much we could do. We think you’re both ok.”

I wanted to punch her in the face.

That might seem harsh, and it is – of course. It’s horrible, and she’s a wonderful doctor. It’s not personal, it’s me. What mother wouldn’t want to hear that her baby was doing so well she didn’t need more treatments or procedures? That I’ve almost beat the odds with preterm labor and no meds to help that, that I’ve walked a fourth round of hyperemesis (and still vomiting) without landing in the hospital, that every ultrasound comes back with a thumbs up?

Isn’t that the news anyone would want to hear?

Yet it shook me to my core. The thought of this being over, the reality that somewhere between now and the next few weeks Charlotte is going to be here and there’s nothing more I can do at that point. My body did the work for Kaden and kept him alive. I worry that it’s doing the same for her, that there is an unknown and we’re just prolonging it by me still being pregnant.

I don’t know how I haven’t let myself go crazy with worry this pregnancy except I’ve been able to keep my mind busy enough not to fixate all the time. Once in a while (usually at night) I drift into any and every situation that could happen, but it’s so painful to think of Kaden’s ordeal that I have to stop.

There is a part of me that feels like if this happens again, I will shut down. I can’t fathom going through any of this a third time. I know a myriad of things could happen that might still result in us taking her home – happy and healthy – but I am just so, so exhausted emotionally and mentally from the rollercoaster that I can only pray for a full term, healthy baby with no NICU time. Tell me she’s fine and let me go home – that’s what my heart wants so much. In any other situation, this might seem a bit much to ask/hope for given my history. Realistically, going to the NICU or needing a little help isn’t the end of the world at all. But when you’ve been told before that “it’s just the NICU” and “at least your baby is healthy” and “he’ll be home in no time, calm down” – trying to wrap your head around being ok and rational with that situation again is hard to do.

I don’t know. I’m just writing on here in hopes that it’ll calm my fears. I thought about this post all the way home, something about putting what happened into words makes things clearer for me.

Sometimes I feel like if I write this enough or try to sort out things, God will take pity on us and intervene with anything that might happen. I don’t know how that all works still, but then judging by the number of different opinions I get when I say things like this, neither does anyone else. I’m unsure what to pray for, how to pray it, and so I often just look up when it’s too painful to process this any further and whisper, “Please.”

Oh please. 

BABY CHARLOTTE_31

26 Comments

  • Kathy Tinnes Glow

    October 13, 2015 at 1:45 pm

    OMG, she's already smiling – I think that is a great sign!! 🙂 After I lost my Joey and was pregnant with my surprise extra after 40 baby, I worried and feared until I was holding him in my arms. Then I worried and feared some more. Now he is four and I worry less, but it will always be there. Love and prayers to you

  • inbetweenthepiles

    September 17, 2015 at 8:03 pm

    Oh, mama. I think about you/pray for you often. I so wish you could have the certainty that everything will be perfect. At the least, I hope you feel the prayers that lift you up on a daily basis and the comfort of knowing you aren’t on this journey alone. Praying for you and that hope overshadows the understandable fears and worry…and that Charlotte makes an uneventful debut in 4 weeks. Huge hugs…

  • Shauna

    September 17, 2015 at 12:58 pm

    I’m not much of a praying person, but I feel so strongly the need and want to pray for you and your family. We are close to the same age, but you have so much more strength and wisdom than I may ever have. I pray that everything is okay and everything is as you hope it to be.

  • Angie

    September 17, 2015 at 11:03 am

    Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. Romans 8:26

    Prayers for you and your family.

  • Karri

    September 17, 2015 at 9:43 am

    I really hope and pray miss Charlotte is your ‘take home’ baby. Good knows the desires of your heart and you are turning to Him in prayer.

    I know when I was pregnant with Emmett (after three losses) each day I remained pregnant (after 38 weeks) I was more terrified he wasn’t going to live. The whole ‘he’s alive now so let’s have him now’ mentality. It’s terrifying.

    You just have to keep on keeping on.

  • Heidi Larsen

    September 17, 2015 at 4:42 am

    Praying please for you all the time. I hope you can find some peace knowing God is hearing "please" from all your prayer warriors tonight

  • Jessica M

    September 16, 2015 at 7:57 pm

    I am also praying “please.” <3

  • Lisa Gonzales

    September 17, 2015 at 1:51 am

    Please don't vaccinate her. So she can keep all of her strength! It will be great!

  • Nina Kusnetzow Suarez

    September 17, 2015 at 12:53 am

    She is precious!

  • Melanie A.

    September 16, 2015 at 4:19 pm

    Praying! For you to hold a healthy, full term baby in your arms and take her home!!!

    1. Krista

      September 16, 2015 at 6:32 pm

      My prayer for you all is the same. Please.

  • Jessi

    September 16, 2015 at 3:23 pm

    I pray this verse lifts you tonight

    Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
    Romans 8:26-27 NKJV
    http://bible.com/114/rom.8.26-27.NKJV
    Whispering my “please” to the Lord with you.

    1. Rébecca

      September 18, 2015 at 9:28 am

      YES. After reading this post I thought of that verse. We may get to the point of not knowing what or how to pray, but when that happens, let us rest in the confort that our ‘please’ is enough, He is praying for us.

  • Courtney Buteau

    September 16, 2015 at 9:13 pm

    I've been praying 'please' each time I hear an update. Thank you for letting us know how everything is going.

  • Susan Busche Crivella

    September 16, 2015 at 8:34 pm

    Everytime I think of you I think the exact same thing "Please let her have this baby" My heart aches for you and I cannot even come close to imagining what you are going through Ithink of you often. You are one of the bravest people I "know" You are so strong! I will keep praying!

  • Cari Brewer

    September 16, 2015 at 8:12 pm

    Praying "Please" for you!! xoxoxo

  • Nellie

    September 16, 2015 at 2:08 pm

    Sending a myriad of love and an abundance of prayers for you and your beautiful Charlotte.

  • Kelsey

    September 16, 2015 at 2:05 pm

    Oh, please, Lord. please. <3

  • Lisa Maere Forgie

    September 16, 2015 at 7:58 pm

    Please. No other words are needed. Praying for you, your new one, and your whole clan.

  • Lisa Maere Forgie

    September 16, 2015 at 7:58 pm

    Please. No other words are needed. Praying for you, your new one, and your whole clan.

  • Joyce Pipkin Wagner

    September 16, 2015 at 7:38 pm

    praying with and for you….<3

  • Blossom Smith

    September 16, 2015 at 7:34 pm

    Whispering 'please' with you. <3

  • Jenn Ross

    September 16, 2015 at 1:29 pm

    Can’t say it any better than Mindy except to say it again..please, please , please dear Lord let her have this baby on Earth with her, With all my heart please.

  • Maggie

    September 16, 2015 at 1:24 pm

    Oh my heart, your words just brought me to tears, and to my knees to continue praying for you and Charlotte. Your journey has been the hardest, and my mommy heart has just cried and cried, but the Lord has whispered to me to seek His face, so I am trusting Him, that Charlotte and you will be together soon, and all will be well.

  • Megan Bruch

    September 16, 2015 at 1:23 pm

    Yes, God, we trust You. We know You love us. But please. Please let Charlotte see her first birthday. Let her whisper secrets with Bella. Let her ride a bike. And drive a car. And go to Prom. Please, Lord.

  • Mindy Lafevers-Hodge

    September 16, 2015 at 7:13 pm

    Everytime I think of you, that's exactly what I say to God. Please just let her have this baby here on Earth with her. Please.

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