Waiting

October 2, 2015

2015-09-30 09.20.30

I’m 36 weeks 4 days today.

And we’re just in a holding pattern here.

Wednesday I spent ALL DAY in triage after my regular appt showed my blood pressure through the roof. So I laid in a hospital bed with Sam in the chair next to me and the cuff squeezing my arm every 10 minutes. It ended up fine, the doctor told me it was probably due to stress/anxiety.

2015-09-30 12.10.20

Being sent home was a relief, we didn’t have anything with us and the thought of being admitted to L&D was slightly terrifying at that point. It caused us to come home and make some more changes to our “heading to the hospital” plan and to get a little more ready.

Every twinge, every weird thing I’m thinking, “IS THIS IT?” And although I’d like to make it to full term next week, I also know I need to be ok with going at any time. Bella was 36.6 and Kaden was 37.2 so it leaves me feeling like a walking time bomb in both a good way – “a baby!” – and a scary way.

I don’t know what will happen. I want to believe this time will be different, but then I think of how much I believed that with Kaden. I have had so many people tell me they feel good about this time around, I have to admit I do too most of the time – and then I wonder if it’s honestly because none of us can wrap our heads around this happening yet again.

I don’t know. I try not to dwell a lot on how on earth I will cope if it does, because it feels like I’m this little shell of a normal human being after losing him – and in the two years since I’ve tried so hard to piece myself back to some type of person that can function and do life in a way that doesn’t destroy my marriage, motherhood, family, and friendships and to be honest –

I haven’t done super well in any of those since I’m always trying to navigate them through my own cracked lens.

As for faith, I haven’t written on here for a while about where I stand spiritually in all of this. I feel like I’m holding God at a distance, waiting to see what He does this time. This past year I’ve had what I believed challenged in many ways again through school and even writing – good challenges but also hard ones. I want so much to be a strong, vibrant Christian woman with this powerful story of holding onto Christ through the tough times and yet I find myself thinking, “How can I trust and believe in God if He allows this to happen again? What kind of a God would let us face this a third time?”

Because here’s the thing – if we’re all praying that God will heal, change, help, answer prayers – we must be ready to face that He chose not to do that too. We live in a broken world, yes, but we still pray for and expect miracles. So I can’t pray for that and then turn around and tell people, “God doesn’t work that way” when I believed before my “No” answer that He did.

I don’t feel angry anymore that he didn’t save Kaden or Preston or Julian. Not angry, just hurt. Hurt and disappointed and still here I am, hoping that His plan is bigger than my plan, but He will take notice of me down here and let Charlotte come home with us.

2015-10-01 17.37.54

So we sit and wait and ponder what our lives will be like soon. I remind myself all the time that my story truly isn’t mine. 5 years ago in my parent’s spare bedroom I rededicated my life to Christ. 3 years later almost to the day, I promised him over Kaden that no matter the outcome, I would still be here. And so here I am, terrified of what the plan is and yet I don’t think I can walk away.

If I told you my story
You would hear hope that wouldn’t let go
If I told you my story
You would hear love that never gave up
If I told you my story
You would hear life but it wasn’t mine

If I should speak then let it be

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
To tell you my story is to tell of Him

7 Comments

  • Krista

    October 6, 2015 at 12:59 pm

    I got chills reading this post. Such powerful words. I have a gut feeling that girls are for you and Sam and Bella–that you’ll parent them here. I don’t know how to explain it. But I’m praying for you and I just feel that Charlotte is yours forever on earth.

  • Kay Kathleen

    October 5, 2015 at 9:02 pm

    Diana, I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through, nor can I comprehend what a tremendous test of your faith this would be. I admire your honesty and am deeply impacted by your perseverance and faith…& I know I am far from being the only one. My husband and I have been praying and will continue to pray for you and yours.

  • sarah

    October 5, 2015 at 3:46 pm

    You are in my prayers ♡ I hope you and your sweet baby girl have a safe delivery and she arrives in your arms as healthy as can be. So sorry for your losses, I can only imagine the hurt you feel in your heart. My last pregnancy was twins, but I lost one just before 8 weeks. It was a sadness I still can’t fully describe. I never got to hear their heartbeat, but the image of my little lifeless bean and the blood still flowing to their cord but not to them will be something I’ll never forget. Sometimes I like to think they were a guardian angel for our baby who came with him so he wouldn’t be so scared coming to earth. He has that shy/cautious kind of personality 🙂 anyways, I’m hoping for the best for you and your family!! ♡

  • shelly

    October 4, 2015 at 3:07 pm

    Exactly what you’ve said here is why I’m no longer “a believer.” Christians, devout, good, bad or otherwise, can’t spew the “god is in control” “god has a better plan for —” “god loves us so much.” They can’t have it BOTH ways. They love to thank god and praise god for all the good stuff but they never say “thank you that (fill in the blank with something bad/awful.” And either god IS in control or NOT. After many years of trying to reconcile faith with reality…I said no more. You should NEVER thank god for your baby losses. Never! Sending love and light.

  • jennifer

    October 2, 2015 at 6:37 pm

    Praying so hard for uns..❤. That is my favorite song.. Such powerful words…

  • Erin

    October 2, 2015 at 4:51 pm

    You are in my heart and Charlotte is in my prayers. ❤️

  • Molly Huggins

    October 2, 2015 at 10:44 pm

    This is so brutally honest. So thankful you have the courage to share your heart.

Comments are closed.

Prev Post Next Post