It Still Hurts

March 18, 2016

It’s January. Charlotte is two and a half months old and I decide to take us girls on a road trip to see my friend Nicole and her family who live two states away. We’ll stay the night halfway in a small town.

  

In the morning, I get the girls ready for heading out and trying to make it to breakfast before 9am. It proves to be harder than I thought to get all three of us set, packed, load the car, and out to the dining area but we make it. Barely. 

I hold Charlotte in my Tula baby carrier as we eat. She fusses and I step into the side hall a moment so we don’t disturb anyone. Bella calls, “Mama?” And I pop in to reassure her I’m a few feet away and can see her. I notice her turned around to the table behind us. Two women, maybe in their 60’s or 70’s, sit and one has been looking at us the entire time. I get an odd feeling she doesn’t approve of me, although I tell myself that’s bizarre since nothing is happening and we haven’t done a thing. When she leaves, I ask Bella if the lady said anything to her when I was in the hallway. “No,” she says, and although I can’t shake the feeling, I drop it. I’m being paranoid. 

We head back to our room and out of nowhere the lady appears, staring at me. “You sure waited a long time,” she says abruptly. I’m taken aback, and laugh a bit.

“Oh, for breakfast? We almost didn’t make it!” I smile and Bella starts to say something to her about Charlotte being fussy when she interrupts. 

“No.” She shakes her head and purses her lips, still staring at me with something like scorn in her eyes. 

“I meant to have another kid.” 

  

For a moment, it feels like the wind is knocked out of me. She stays put, expecting an answer – although I’ve never been able to figure out what on earth she would want anyone to say to that. I can’t move, can’t breathe. The twins little faces, Kaden’s little smile all flash before me as I inhale sharply. 

Then God takes over. There’s no other explanation because what comes out of my mouth wasn’t even close to what I wanted to say. 

“Actually,” I say calmly, “we didn’t. It just didn’t work out the way we’d hoped.”

At that, she smirks and walks down the hall. I’m left shaking, fumbling for my card and unable to put it in the door the right way because I can’t see through my tears. I tell myself over and over it’s ok, I did ok, I have to choose my moments and that wasn’t one to share their precious lives. 

But it takes me hours to calm down and still I am just now able to write about it. 

In those moments after, I alternated between wanting to lay on the bed and cry – and find her to punch her in the head. Really. You would have read about it in the newspaper: “Mom with baby attached to her attacks woman in a hotel hallway.” I was livid. I couldn’t believe she would wait to see me and make that remark. Here I was with two little ones,  having fun, thinking to myself how I was doing a good job at our first big trip and how well the girls were doing too – and that’s what she had to say to me. 

I (thankfully) didn’t see her again. I called my mom a little while later and she comforted me while also assuring me she couldn’t believe someone could be so callous. I told her I should have just said, “Actually I’ve had three children die in between these two, thanks.” But Mom reminded me of the verse about casting pearls before swine that I’d thought of many times before in other situations. No – I’m not calling this lady a pig. But what I’m saying is this – there are times we don’t share what happened and we withhold our pain because we know if we tell – we could end up with more. Yes, that lady may have felt horrible if I’d told her. But more than likely with her reaction, she wouldn’t have. And I would be left with even more pain of someone dismissing my story and their lives. I’m so protective of their little lives and the memories I have of my boys. I don’t need some bitter woman to ruin any part of that for me. I think back now and it seems unfathomable to me that she would ask that of anyone. Suppose I’d been through a divorce? Or my first husband passed away? Or more kids were in the hotel room with their dad? Or I’d faced infertility? Or we chose to wait that long on purpose? Or we adopted? 

OR MY KIDS DIED? 

It’s hard to react in a way that seems like I’m hiding something. She caused me great pain and in turn I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to spill my story and all its shock and make her feel horrible. But I didn’t because a stranger’s assumption of me wasn’t worth correcting if it cost a little of my happiness or the beauty of my sons’ lives. 

This still hurts. So much. And in a way I’m glad it does because it reminds me how deeply I still feel their loss and how imprinted they are on my heart. I won’t let that be disregarded for anything. She can have her bitter thoughts and words. I’ll keep my memories safe where they belong. 

32 Comments

  • wood

    September 1, 2016 at 1:19 pm

    i wish i was there, as a stranger that overheard this, so i could have told her to mind her f-ing business.

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  • June Homebody

    April 3, 2016 at 11:22 am

    Wow
    That's quite an attack.
    Aimed straight where it would hurt, tailor made to destroy. You are beautiful. Your family is beautiful. We all make mistakes, but your feelings for your loved ones, and yourself as a mum are right, you are right to be happy with them, and yourself. That woman, for whatever reason should not have been there saying that. She shouldn't be in your life. Whatever you feel, you are forgivable.. Any mum needs to hear that. You are lovable. I shake my head. I am glad you are putting it online to get support, you are right where you should be, with your children, doing right what you should do.

  • Barbara Marie

    April 3, 2016 at 1:52 am

    She had NO business …NO right to make that comment to you. That being said…you have amazing strength and grace and a loving heart. Blessings to you and your family.

  • Kim Jeffrey

    April 2, 2016 at 11:47 pm

    There are 9 year between my children due to unexplained infertility. I had two pregnancies in that time which both ended in miscarriage.
    How anyone in their right mind could think that their opinion on anyone's life is ok, just astonishes me.

  • JerryandSharalee Tidwell

    April 2, 2016 at 9:21 pm

    That woman in the hotel was a "crooked little tree". Not my words but perfect in this instance. It's sad and terrifying to think Satan can use someone and they likely don't even know what he's done! There are so many ways the enemy tries to trip up women and sadly he uses other women and painful memories to distract us from the truth. Your words in return were perfect and a result of God working in you. In the same way God continues to work to heal you and one day when the time is right and the heart of the listener is maliable, God will use your story to enact healing in them.

  • Jessie Zimmer

    April 2, 2016 at 4:24 pm

    Oh my goodness. I wish I could apologize for that women. The gall to speak to anyone the way she did. My heart goes out to you, and please consider this whole comment a long distance bear-hug. Your girls are so blessed to have such a strong, intelligent mother who perserved to bring them into the world. Thank you for sharing your story.

  • Jennifer Miller

    April 2, 2016 at 1:16 pm

    That is truly disturbing. When people act like that I try to remember who is really behind it…Satan. He is out to kill, destroy, and steal our joy.

  • Adele Kelly

    April 2, 2016 at 8:34 am

    Wow – you're a very strong and polite lady for reacting to that horrible comment in the Way you did. I can't believe how rude some people are! You didn't ask for her opinion so what makes her believe she can offer it?! Rude rude rude. You are fantastic and remember that each time you feel angry about someone's opinion. They are just ignorant and have nothing else to do in their empty little lives that they feel the need to bring other people down. Rise above it! You are amazing! Take care x

  • JLR

    April 1, 2016 at 8:01 pm

    I might have had to tell her that God had other plans for us and perhaps she should speak with him because this can’t be his plan for her.

  • Diane Turner

    April 2, 2016 at 1:26 am

    Yeah .. never underestimate ladies the power of our tongue. A bitter woman is particularly nasty. Let's never be that. I agree, this was a spiritual attack right where it hurts.

  • J

    April 1, 2016 at 6:51 pm

    I had my 1st child at 36. People ask me why did I wait, will we have more and if I don’t like children. The truth is, we have tried to have a baby for almost 10 years. I would love more and wish I would have been able to have children at a younger age. All of my friends have kids much older than mine. It makes me somewhat of an outcast. But, I wouldn’t change a thing. The Lord knows why He made us wait for our beautiful daughter and if we have more that will be up to Him also. His plan is perfect even if we don’t understand. I am so sorry someone was so mean to you. No one has the right to question us. To those babies you are an amazing mom. To your sweet babies here and in heaven. God bless. And good job mom! 🙂

  • Jennifer Mast Orocio

    April 2, 2016 at 12:42 am

    Some people have no manners! Your ability to protect those sweet lives is amazing! Thank you for sharing your story.

  • Jill

    April 1, 2016 at 12:36 pm

    I’m so sorry that happened! You’re a better woman that I, because I would have UNLEASHED. I have the opposite problem, if you even want to call it that, having had two children less than a year apart. It is unreal how many people make cracks along the lines of, “Haven’t you heard of birth control?!” (as if I’m stupid) Or “Well you and your husband must really be busy…in the bedroom.” (as if we’re sex-crazed pigs).

    It’s just astounding how bold and rude and presumptuous some people can be toward us mothers. I hope the hurt this woman caused you heals soon!

    1. Claire

      April 1, 2016 at 2:12 pm

      I love people’s logic. Having two kids less than a year apart proves that you had relations once in less than a year, and some people consider that “busy in the bedroom”?!

  • Nellie

    March 31, 2016 at 10:18 am

    So beautifully and powerfully written! I was shaking for you while reading it. I seriously can’t believe nor understand why your beautiful business would be hers? There are so many callous, mean-spirited people in this world. Your story, your precious boys are and always will be the heart and soul of your amazing family and we will continue to keep you in the circle of our love for you and your family.

  • Claire

    March 26, 2016 at 8:38 am

    My blood is boiling reading this. I agree with a previous commenter that the woman is probably in pain, masked by cruelty, as evidenced by going out of her way to make a rude remark to you and then smirking at a response which clearly implied that you have suffered during the course of expanding your family. Rationally, I know that people who enjoy hurting other people are coming from a place of pain. But the emotional part of me is furious on your behalf (and my own, since I know from personal experience that not everyone has control over planning their family), and I admire you for being so forgiving. If I had witnessed the exchange, I can guarantee I would have spoken out in a very uncharitable manner.

  • WAMExperts

    March 26, 2016 at 5:08 am

    Good grief!! Do people have no common decencies. The right to judge people makes me so mad. Well Done for taking it calm and not making any headline news. I am sorry that you had to experience that, I know it is not easy, but see yourself as the better person and how much more stronger you came out of this. Chin up and keep smiling. xx

  • Weekend Reads {March 26, 2016} | The Humbled Homemaker

    March 25, 2016 at 10:01 pm

    […] It Still Hurts @ Diana Wrote […]

  • Stephanie

    March 25, 2016 at 2:00 pm

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’ve been following your blog a long time and it has helped so much with dealing with my miscarriages. Some people are just callous or don’t think. My mother in law (who new about our struggles) said when we announced our pregnancy “oh good, I didn’t think I was going to ever have any more grandchildren at this rate.” I don’t think she could understand the pain that caused me. You replied in the best manner possible.

  • Shauna

    March 22, 2016 at 9:05 am

    I’m so sorry that happened to you, Diana. You’re a much stronger woman than me because I probably would have lashed out ten times worse. People seem to think nowadays they need to voice what they think regardless of other people’s feelings. It’s shameful. You handled it with so much class and grace.

  • Sandra Templeton Davis

    March 22, 2016 at 7:34 am

    Yikes ! That was awful of her to judge you like that !!! Sorry 🙁

  • Leona Avny

    March 21, 2016 at 9:17 pm

    It was really none of her business. Some people are just rude.

  • Allie Tennyson

    March 21, 2016 at 10:50 pm

    Wow that's crazy. I have friends who have 15 years between them and their siblings. I can't possibly imagine what she thinks…that people only have kids less than 3 years apart from each other? That's just ignorant. There are many many reasons that someone would have children with large age gaps…I've never heard of a grown woman commenting on that before.

  • Diane Berger

    March 19, 2016 at 5:54 pm

    I'm so glad that God was able to put words into your mouth when you needed it and let your keep your memories safe from that horrible woman.

  • Kristen | The Frugal Girl

    March 19, 2016 at 9:32 am

    My gut reaction would have been to tell her what happened, so she’d feel bad, but you’re so right…what if she hadn’t felt bad? Then that would have been even MORE horrible.

    Much love to you, and I’m so sorry she was unkind.

  • Becky Groves

    March 19, 2016 at 12:23 pm

    That was a terrible thing for her to say. But I'm reminded of the saying, "hurt people hurt people." I'm curious to know what her story is. Maybe she's just a mean old lady, but maybe she has a story (never had children, lost a husband, lost children). And maybe she thought she could find some comfort in your story. I am amazed at your answer because often I spill my story or just cry in anger.

    1. Caz

      April 2, 2016 at 1:23 pm

      I too had that feeling: was she saying it out of her own hurt? Looking for some connection-in an inappropriate way? Nevertheless sad-and I admire your grace x Kia kaha.

  • Elizabeth Clements

    March 19, 2016 at 8:16 am

    I believe just as there are angels unaware, there are agents of the enemy as well. This person was a weapon in Satan's chest of spiritual warfare. Attacking you an those precious babies….The enemy is shameless.

  • Valeoe

    March 18, 2016 at 10:31 pm

    What a weirdo! And I’d call her a pig. Not one to mince words. She was nasty. I’m so sorry that happened.

  • Kristin

    March 18, 2016 at 10:23 pm

    I’m so sorry this happened to you, people just don’t use their brain to think about others feelings sometimes. I have a 7 1/2 year old and an almost 1 year old. When I told my dad I was expecting my youngest he said, “About time!” Meanwhile, there was 5 years of infertility and 3 miscarriages in between them.

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