Broke

September 1, 2016

I feel like this title ties in with a lot of our life right now, but while we are currently rather broke, it’s actually about the comments on my post yesterday.

Hang in there with me, I dislike people who focus on haters and trolls just as much as the next person but I have a point with this. 

So after I wrote this post about Sam retiring from the military, I had this comment pop up in literally like – 5 minutes after I hit publish:

Screenshot 2016-09-01 10.15.14

I clicked on it without thinking and read it in my email, standing in my kitchen, holding Charlotte, trying to fix Bella a snack. I stood there for a moment not comprehending what she’d written, and then it literally took my breath away.

I mean. I can’t even tell you how hard it was to read that. It was literally every fear I’ve ever discussed in therapy, every worry Sam and I have ever had about his retirement and admitting he needs a lot of help for PTSD, every secret dread I had about sharing things on here again – there it was. All listed out by someone who actually thought those things about us.

Never mind the money part – that one is bizarre to me. We live in a nice area and can build a home because – El Paso. We barely make ends meet some months and when we do, it’s my writing that helps us out. Not ashamed of that, but also not sure how it’s living high on the hog.

I digress.

I leaned my body against the counter and for a moment, thought I was going to be sick. THIS IS WHAT EVERYONE THINKS DIANA. YOU USED YOUR KIDS DYING FOR PROFIT AND YOUR HUSBAND IS A MOOCH.

And then I started to laugh. And laugh. Because there it was. I have wondered now for years when the trolls and haters would feel confident enough to come back. To find a weakness in our lives they saw as fair game, and I guess: “I pay taxes therefore I get a say in your life” was that weakness. And I had no idea how I would react. So I stopped writing.

But while the words aren’t funny (and obviously still piss me off) the thing is – it happened. I read it, I survived the nastiest comment I think I’ve ever gotten. Maybe the one wishing I wouldn’t have another child was close to this.

I don’t think I realized how much those fears of “What if someone doesn’t like me?” hung on until I read her words. It’s affected my writing here. Other places. My book. My therapy sessions. My healing.

I left it (but deleted the others that came because they were just stupid) because I wanted people to see this happens no matter what life hands you AND no matter how you choose to deal with it. I’ve seen people get ripped to shreds for ‘hiding’ parts of their life, I’ve seen it for sharing things.

You’re going to have people that hate you. My dad once told me, “There are going to be people in life who, if they like you, you may want to reconsider what you stand for.”

It’s a terrible thing and very sad that people can read our story and follow us and hate us like that. Or have wildly distorted perceptions of our life. But it’s part of this.

Just a girl, her Daddy, and his woobie that we didn’t give back ?? #butpaidfor #helovesit

A photo posted by •diana• (@dianawrote) on

I’ll end it here: I’ve been called to write my story. I have a passion and a desire to share the life Christ has given me. I wrote (and was paid for it) long before I lost the twins, but no matter what our life would have been, I would have kept writing as long as God called me to do it. He has used my pain and often our wrongdoings for His glory and to help others. He has brought many of you to us to help us when we needed it. I’m not ashamed of that, I’m blown away. THANK  YOU for being a part of our lives, whether it was out of pity or need or love or curiosity. Thank you.

And thank you “Beth”. Thank you for re-igniting that fire in me to keep going. For pushing me back into this again, for making me realize that my obstinate defiance can be a trait that allows me to read your cruel words and think, “Pssssh – you don’t even know. Hold on to your bonnet lady, I’m about to overshare all over again.” You fixed the part in me that was broke.

 

37 Comments

  • Mur8el Jamison

    October 19, 2016 at 5:08 pm

    i hope that person isn’t raising a family that feel the way Beth does……….but I suppose she has her
    supporters too——sad ———-lets all pray for her and her ilk……………lord knows they need help

  • readbetweenthelines

    September 21, 2016 at 2:17 pm

    That mean commenter has lost sight of the reason why American citizens pay taxes in the first place. If veterans aren’t allowed to retire on benefits then I don’t know who is. I am happy to pay into social security in order to support veterans and I thank you, Sam, for your service and your sacrifice.

  • Rachel Shoemaker

    September 16, 2016 at 11:18 am

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are probably the strongest woman I ‘know’. I’m so glad that one comment didn’t stop you from writing. I know that happens a lot. I also hope you get overwhelmingly more positive comments than negative, and that should tell you something. I see God’s presence in your life – through your writing. I feel your ‘genuin-ness’ (yea I like to make up words). Keep going strong!

  • Erin

    September 15, 2016 at 8:44 am

    As a fellow military spouse, this person is not an American to me. They have no clue what military families endure over the course of their career. There is so much sacrifice, just like any other family, but it extends past that. We are forced to move. Uproot our lives. Start over. Again and again. And you know what, we pay taxes too! I always say, are you willing to go over seas and risk your life for you nation and family? I always get a, uhhhhh… Way to brush it aside and know in your heart that your family are good people and you are doing the best you can with what life has dealt you. LOVE.

  • Vicki

    September 9, 2016 at 10:15 am

    “Now you can start living in your government and taxpayer funded house and traveling on the government’s and taxpayer’s dimes as well”? My husband retired from the US Air Force and we didn’t get a free house or free travel. Wonder where she thinks your husband retired from. Obviously mine retired from the wrong country. WHERE IS OUR FREE HOUSE? And what a complete idiot. Spouting hate without an iota of knowledge on the subject.

    And for those who lived in the lap of luxury in Afghanistan, Iraq, Vietnam and so many other places during war. I suppose they ought to be more grateful for the free travel, regardless of injury, disease, PTSD or death. Next week she’ll be complaining about how the military is just a bunch of murdering war mongers, after accusing us of not appreciating all our freebies.

    I admire your courage not only in just living and surviving your life circumstances, but PUTTING IT OUT there. I don’t know if I could ever have that courage. Exposing yourself and your vulnerability. I also admire you for responding from a place of maturity, healing and courage. How sad that she has no compassion for the pain of others.

    1. Erin

      September 15, 2016 at 8:46 am

      Agreed. If they only had the knowledge of how the military really works. My house is ‘free’ on base, but oh ya, they take $1900 out of our pay check each month for it!

  • Joeann

    September 3, 2016 at 2:59 pm

    What a horrible person.

  • Melissa Nelson

    September 2, 2016 at 8:47 pm

    Wow some people are jerk faces. They don’t have to read your blog so obviously they are a very unhappy person. I feel sorry for them. What a horrible way to live. Keep on trucking girly.

  • Meghan

    September 2, 2016 at 4:07 pm

    I’ve been a faithful follower for many years even though I’ve never commented. Your writing about your life is beautiful, honest, raw and lovely. You’ve been dealt quite a hand to deal with and yet you’ve done it with as much grace as possible given that at times I know you didn’t feel that way. And the beauty of your writing is that you’ve never glossed over those heartbreaking moments. Although I haven’t lost a child, I am sure that your writing has helped many many people have someone who they feel they can identify with. In NO way have you ever used your situation for your gain. It’s absurd. Your girls are absolutely beautiful and I think you’re so brave to have walked the paths that you have (not that you had the choice, but certainly you could’ve chosen alternative ways that weren’t beneficial.) Please don’t stop writing. And if you can, forgive this “Beth,” as she clearly has some very big problems that she needs to deal with, none of which have anything to do with you. Hugs from Denver, CO.

  • Becky

    September 2, 2016 at 11:17 am

    It just baffles me how people can same some things just because they’re hiding behind a screen. Just know for every one hater there are a million lovers out here loving you! Keep on. What you write matters.

  • Jennifer

    September 2, 2016 at 8:18 am

    Putting aside the negativity of this person for a moment…you and Sam have been paying taxes on your income for the entirety of your careers. If you think about it, he’s been paying a portion of his own salary and he’ll continue to pay a portion of it for the rest of his life. Nevermind all of the things he’s his physically and mentally endured. This not a free ride, nowhere close.

  • Nellie

    September 2, 2016 at 7:01 am

    Every ounce of you and your family is loved here in these parts of New York! You inspire and ignite in me to be a better person through your words. Keep at it, girl and know that you and your family will always be a part of my daily prayers and good wishes…ALWAYS!!!!

  • Rebecca

    September 1, 2016 at 8:54 pm

    You are so awesome and courageous. I love you to pieces and I’m so proud of Sam for all he’s done and all he will continue to do for our country and for your family. Bravo for being strong and wise enough to navigate the bullshit that comes your way as you step forward and write your Heart out. You amaze me and I’m thankful to call you friend ❤️

  • Lindsey Quijano

    September 1, 2016 at 8:39 pm

    Hi Diana!
    I have no social media account, I try to stay out of the Internet world as much possible, and live as we all once did prior to the Internet. I only say this to give a little bit of my back story. This is the first time I have ever commented on any social media platform, and your blog is the only blog I regularly follow, I guess I feel like no one reads responses or comments anymore anyway. Clearly not the truth since you read such a hideous comment from such a uniquely mean person. You spoke in today’s email about being compelled to share your story, which you do so beautifully by the way, you really make me feel pain and empathy in such a deep and meaningful way, must be why so many people follow your story, I feel very compelled to say something in response to what Beth Hardy had to say. Simply, I am sorry. I am sure Beth Hardy will never give you an “I am sorry” and you definitely deserve one after the pure BS she said. So on behalf of Beth Hardy, I Lindsey Quijano, apologize for her, I am so very sorry such hateful words were ever written to you. I feel you have endured enough pain for many lifetimes over and deserve nothing but peace and happiness, and that is my hope for you and your family. Beth Hardy from yours truly, Lindsey Quijano, please go get yourself some help. Only a very hurt and messed up human being could be this cruel. Hurt people, hurt people. Your words hurt me, and they were not even aimed at me. For real, how dare you? Ugh! Really pains me to feel such blind hatred. Beth Hardy obviously feels she can say such hateful words because she has the anonymity of the Internet and therefore does not have to be accountable. Well unfortunately for Beth Hardy what you put out in this world will come back to you, you reap what you sew. Diana I am so very sorry you ever had to read the words of such a hateful bully. I believe you to be a great writer who helps so much by sharing her on pain. Keep on keeping on. Diana, all your readers have got your back. And to Beth Hardy, hopefully you get some help real soon, you need to help to heal your heart, you are obviously hurting.

  • Amanda

    September 1, 2016 at 8:01 pm

    Wow, bless her heart. (That southern insult just about sums it up.) The ignorance with that one is very high. I will never understand how people can be that cruel and vindictive. I understand that people don’t understand the military lifestyle and the trials we all face, but wow. So I’ll end this by saying good for you and Sam and the kiddos! What he’s gone/is going through is one of the toughest things a person can go through, and you all are handling it with such grace.

  • Eve

    September 1, 2016 at 6:45 pm

    I never comment on blogs. I wasn’t ever really sure that bloggers read the comments. I hope you read this! I haven’t been a regular reader of blogs since I realized years ago how overly curated many were. It just wasn’t interesting any longer when every blog always looked like the same brand of “pretty”. Yours never had that gloss and it’s something I always respected. These past couple of years I kept up with your family more on Instagram than I have the blog. I teared up reading this post tonight. The ugliness that woman spewed at you is heartbreaking. My heart hurts for her because she’s missing out on so much beauty if she actually sees your reality as she wrote it. I feel things like sadness, joy, worry, conflict, excitement, envy and awe when I read your posts and see your pictures – the rawness is life and that’s an amazing gift you share with the world. Thank you for continuing to bless us with it.

  • mrsmilmont

    September 1, 2016 at 6:05 pm

    This tax payer is happy her hard earned money is going to help those who serve our country! It brings me joy to see our veterans enjoy their life especially after service so please live your life to the fullest and enjoy every adventure you get to go on as a family without a though about what anyone else thinks! Thank you Sam for your service & Diana for sharing your struggles!

  • Jacque

    September 1, 2016 at 4:01 pm

    I have no words to describe how I feel about what that person said to you. I thank you again for sharing the life you’ve been given.

  • Chelsea

    September 1, 2016 at 3:26 pm

    Hi Diana. I found your story after my firstborn son died during childbirth. I’ve found comfort in you sharing your story. I’m not much of a writer, but I understand needing to write. I’m grateful for people like you who can share “our” stories and can use it to comfort others who are suffering. Don’t stop!

  • Leanna

    September 1, 2016 at 1:51 pm

    Diane, I admire your courage. Your tenacity…your spunk….your “survivability”. I don’t think anyone likes rejection. I hate it. But I have to face those lies with the truth. They don’t define me. They don’t know me. Sometimes I have to say that as I am struggling to breathe or not be overwhelmed. But I pick myself up and go on. I know you will do the same. You are awesome!

  • thismommywrites

    September 1, 2016 at 1:30 pm

    Woohoo! (I feel like I should do some snap motion here – ha ha) “And I’m about to overshare”!! I love it! Proud of you for rising above and for coming right back at it. Keep singing your song because its a beautiful one about the reality of life, love and friendship. We’ve got your back so keep doing your thing :-}

  • Michelle

    September 1, 2016 at 1:15 pm

    I have never been one to comment on anyone’s posts before but after reading this today I am compelled. That someone would take the time out of their day to be so hateful is incomprehensible to me. Diana I am sure I speak for many when I say we love you and we share with you in your times of sadness and of joy and we do it because we want to. If “Beth” doesn’t want to share in your life with your readers then she should mind her own business and take her opinions somewhere else. This country owes Sam (and yourself) a huge debt of gratitude for his service and I could not be happier that you now get to spend time doing the things you want to do as a family. So ignore the haters and write away, I know I will always be here reading!

  • Jasmine Robertson

    September 1, 2016 at 12:14 pm

    Bravo!! I have never understood trolls. But I love you that you will not let people like that define you or what you share. Much love to you and your family

  • Stacy

    September 1, 2016 at 11:54 am

    Diana I have been reading your writing since before you were pregnant with the twins, I have always admired you and your passion and your faith. You have inspired me, made me sad, made me happy, I have gotten so excited for you, my heart has broken for you, I have prayed for you through the good and the bad. I am so sorry that some people are so full of hatred, jealousy and anger that they feel the need to share it with others and try to make others as miserable as they are. I am so sorry that because you have been called to write that you were the target of this hatred. I am so proud of you though for allowing God to use what someone intended as bad for good. Thank you for sharing your story and testimony with us despite people like “Beth.”

  • Lisa

    September 1, 2016 at 11:51 am

    Keep writing. Keep sharing. Keep being a voice for your boys and your husband. You are loved. You are supported. Like I told my toddler, ” haters gonna hate.” Xo

  • Laura

    September 1, 2016 at 11:48 am

    You go girl! You deserve all the happiness God intends for you!! I love everything you share, the good, the bad and the ugly…it helps me to better understand that life isn’t always easy and that sometimes others are going though way more than you think you are going through. I am so happy for you and Sam and the girls….go live! Travel! Enjoy the life God has given you, even through the pains that have stopped you in your track sometimes! You are truly an inspiration to many! God bless! You got this!!!

  • KBN

    September 1, 2016 at 11:43 am

    What an asshole. Seriously. I actually feel bad for people who carry around so much hate in their hearts – like, what is her life like every day?

    You are awesome, Diana. You and your family are an inspiration.

  • Erin King

    September 1, 2016 at 11:36 am

    I’m sorry, but I have to say what a despicable human being. Your husband serves our country to protect all of us for which I am thankful for. I have been following you and reading your blog since you were pregnant with the twins and I loom forward to reading what you write, you have a way with words and I enjoy it. Please don’t think that we all feel this way about you and your family because I know I don’t! Your husband honorably earned his government pay and Benefits and you should not feel ashamed.

  • meg

    September 1, 2016 at 11:28 am

    I don’t know you from Adam (my cousin posted a link to this on Facebook & I clicked through), but I will say that as a taxpayer I’ll happily “support” your family in return for your husband having signed on for a job most of us don’t want to do. He’s earned it (and frankly, veterans have earned far more than the meager support they get from the government after they’ve served). Best wishes to you & yours.

  • Jennifer

    September 1, 2016 at 11:16 am

    I hate that people feel free to be so nasty and hide behind the internet but I love that you laughed and got past it so quickly. Keep sharing and keep writing. The trolls are just that, trolls! You have an important story to tell that’s worth telling !! Sending love and prayers!

  • Kelli

    September 1, 2016 at 11:15 am

    People really suck sometimes! No other way to explain it. I’d have reacted exactly as you did. Well, maybe I’d have figured out a way to respond nastily at first ?

  • keren

    September 1, 2016 at 11:13 am

    I do not understand comments like that. We as a nation have a duty to make sure our soldiers and their families are healthy and safe. Especially now that we understand what PTSD can do to a people. We don’t do enough for our returning soldiers as it is. We should all be cheering you guys on and thanking you for making this part of his recovery public so others with untreated PTSD can see.

  • Marisa

    September 1, 2016 at 11:07 am

    WOW some people. Never in a million years have you ever given me that impression. I will simply pray for that person. God Bless you and yours.

  • Kelley T

    September 1, 2016 at 11:04 am

    I will just never understand how people can leave comments like that. You, dear one, are on my heart often. I have had your name up next to my computer for a long time now so I am reminded to pray for you. You and I have never met, but you know my cousin and she led me to your blog. I have NEVER assumed you had wrong intentions with your writing but have ALWAYS admired your bravery to share. You have inspirited and encouraged me through some dark days. Keep going. Keep sharing. You are doing a world of good. Thank you for your willingness to share the hard things. I admire you.

  • Sue Rizzo

    September 1, 2016 at 10:53 am

    GOOD FOR YOU!! Wonderful! We love you and support you and are inspired by you and your entire family. God’s blessings upon you ALL!

  • Megan

    September 1, 2016 at 10:51 am

    I love you. Your story. The parts you share. Thank you. And the haters can bite my butt.

  • Amanda Rayburn

    September 1, 2016 at 10:49 am

    My gosh. I tried to read your retirement post yesterday but never got the chance (iPhone ads kept taking over) so I got on today ready to be so happy about this. And then that comment on today’s post was the first thing I saw. I put my taco down (which means it was a big deal!) and just sat there thinking that it couldn’t possibly be real. But then I realized how anonymous people feel online and how they will say anything because they know they can never look back to see the damage they have done, or think they have done. But I am SO PROUD of how you handled it. I love that you are using this to ignite that fire again to share your story. You go! And keep “oversharing” because we LOVE IT!!!

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