Tell Me

March 29, 2017

I’ve always become quieter on here when life is hard in ways I can’t write about.

So nearly two months have passed since I last typed in this space of mine; my thoughts trapped in my mind and let out a little on Instagram here and there.

Life is hard, and I yearn for a break from the constant upheaval of our pasts colliding with our present. All these years of trauma and loss and anger and grief and searching has led to me feeling completely depleted. I have days I simply go through the motions of life because I’m not really sure where I stand.

And the guilt that comes with that. Overwhelming. If anyone is reading this thinking, “Husband retired, new home, healthy baby, etc” sorry – it doesn’t equal instant happiness. With some of those (materials things) comes a price tag, and some are much more costly than others.

This is life after war. After loss. After addiction. After traumatic events. After five years of therapy.

I’m on Zoloft. Sam is on too many meds to list. We both see psychiatrists and therapists. I got news last week that something is wonky with my own heart, so that may start a new process I have zero desire to face.

I love my life overall, it’s not that I sit around and cry all day. We have fun times and we are trying so hard. I update and take picture to remind myself of all the good, all the lovely. And that helps.

But it’s the day to day struggle of this all that is wearing me down. I feel – lost. Still. Lost and alone. Sometimes angry, sometimes apathetic. Sometimes wistful and sometimes I just want to ask God to please let us catch our breath for a while.

Just – I don’t know. Tell me I’m not the only one.

19 Comments

  • Nellie

    April 25, 2017 at 9:51 am

    You, dear heart, are NOT alone! Go through it on a daily basis, my struggles though different from yours but still, I can totally and complete relate, including the emotions attached to them.

    Sending you lots of love and bits of laughter to get you through. Thank YOU for sharing – means more than you’ll ever truly know.

  • dearseth

    April 4, 2017 at 8:22 pm

    I hear you loud and clear. I stopped writing almost 4 years ago for the exact reason you mentioned. I miss it so. And yet. I don’t force it back because…. well. It’s too hard to just exist/mom/wife/breathe most days. Who has time for The Writer Chic? Certainly not the author. Prozac and weekly therapy here, too. You are so not the only one. Hugs and love.

  • mary

    April 3, 2017 at 7:14 am

    no, you are not alone – in fact i think you are in very good company. i pray that we all can feel God’s peace for a few moments today. dear Lord please help us focus on today and grant us your mercy and love and help us praise you through this day.

  • Erin (thismommywrites)

    March 30, 2017 at 1:03 pm

    You are never alone. Especially in the struggles. We all have different burdens to carry but the heaviness and the pain is all there. I feel incredibly lost in my life right now for different reasons, but still heartbreaking. There are no miracle words for any of us but just know you are thought of and prayed for. Keep capturing pics of those great moments with those girls- they really can help! xo

  • Samantha Reid/Bates

    March 30, 2017 at 11:12 am

    Hi there! I just recently found your blog! One thing i can say is you are deffently not alone!! Everything you are feeling! It is almost scary but a huge relief that im not alone either.Yes everyone’s story is different but also the same! Thank you for sharing your story love reading your posts.

  • Kelsey Nunemaker

    March 30, 2017 at 10:08 am

    Oh Diana, this post (and insta) pulled on me hard. We are not in the same situation in the slightest, but the feeling lost – I have never felt so lost in my life. And I have never so much wanted to just catch my breath before. You are not alone AT ALL! We are all here cheering you on every day. But you are right, sometimes we forget about the inside stuff and just see how great everything looks on the outside. I know that feeling that everyone sees how great everything is on the outside but they don’t care to see everything is crashing down on the inside. This is only a season❤

    About the heart thing, I’ve been through it too. It turned out alright, but it still freaks me out. Just know that you are not alone in anything you are feeling.

  • babynamdust12

    March 30, 2017 at 6:48 am

    You are not alone. Though I’m “only” 7.5 months out from my daughter Evelyn’s death, I can absolutely understand the feelings of “otherness” that loss and infertility can bring — lifelong, permanent otherness. Feeling lost and lonely in this life. Feeling overwhelmed by grief and uncertainty. If you ever want to share about your heart health, I’m here. I know we don’t know one another but I had open heart surgery 8 years ago to correct a congenital defect at the age of 25 and also have a pacemaker so I know what it’s like to be “youngish” and have heart issues. It’s scary and it’s unfair, especially when there have been plenty of other hardships along the way. Sending you warm hugs and encouragement to be kind and patient with yourself. You are doing the very best that you can.

  • Meghan I

    March 30, 2017 at 2:24 am

    You are absolutely not alone! I commend you for putting it out there
    that you are struggling right now. That’s something not many can do. You are a wonderful mother, and it is obvious from your posts that those babies adore you. Keep reminding yourself of the good in life. Things WILL get better. ❤

  • Brittany O

    March 30, 2017 at 12:20 am

    You are not alone – your post struck a chord with me. Outward appearances are so deceptive. The wounds we carry under the surface are so easy to brush away in the minds of others.

  • Ange

    March 29, 2017 at 6:22 pm

    You’re not alone. We’re not alone (the comments above are proof of that!). But still life can be hard. And sometimes that’s the only feeling that comes through, even with all the evidence pointing to the contrary. Keep going lovely lady. You’re not alone. 💜

  • Jen @ Go Green

    March 29, 2017 at 6:11 pm

    You are very much NOT alone. I pray every day that things will get better, not easier, just better. No more ups and downs, highs and lows or waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hope peace comes for both of us.

  • Maribel

    March 29, 2017 at 6:03 pm

    Yes, you are not alone. Thankful for the blessings but always reminded of what we have been through, what we have lost. We all face struggles but your family has been through unimaginable pain. It has to leave a mark. Personally, I just try to put one foot in front of the other. Get up in the morning and keep going. Sometimes through the motions. Other times embracing joy. Day by day. Sometimes hour by hour.

  • Jen

    March 29, 2017 at 5:41 pm

    You are not alone. Been following for a while but rarely comment.

    Our struggles may be very different but I can “feel your pain”.

  • Leah

    March 29, 2017 at 5:12 pm

    I always say it’s never the storm that takes you down. It’s the aftermath. The recovery. And when you go through more than one storm at a time, the aftermath is harder to survive. You are totally not alone.

  • Kathy

    March 29, 2017 at 4:53 pm

    You are not alone… But it sure feels like it sometimes doesn’t it ❤️

  • Stacy

    March 29, 2017 at 4:10 pm

    You are not alone, I pray sometimes that God will just let me catch my breath too. This ride we call life is hard and it’s okay to admit it. I’m proud of you for trying not let it consume you and drag you down, you gotta keep your chin up and your eyes focused on God.

  • Linds

    March 29, 2017 at 3:52 pm

    You are truly not the only one… I love you Diana! and I love your honesty. I’m happy to know I’m not alone either.

  • Anne-Marie

    March 29, 2017 at 3:51 pm

    You are so not alone.

    “I’m getting a handle on stuff!”
    –You have PTSD.
    “I am getting a handle on that…”
    –You have fibromyalgia.

    This is not stuff that goes away! Ok the cortisol thing I had went away. Probably. I never did the final test because I just don’t want to know, and I cannot take that medication plus the others anymore.

    And the teachers want Walter evaluated because his gait is “off.” OT? PT?

    I am in therapy and seeing a psychiatric nurse practitioner. Nathan is in therapy. I *can’t* see my doctor, because he retired, and my insurance isn’t covering his replacement. Leaving my fibro treatment up to me.

  • Elizabeth

    March 29, 2017 at 3:42 pm

    You are not alone. Thank you for sharing the everyday reality that many feel including myself. Some days are better than others.

{Thoughts}

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