I can’t believe they’d be five this year.
Kindergarten. Would I have homeschooled them? Watched them ride the bus to school? Bought two of everything they would need – and would they have wanted to match?
They’d be learning how to ride a bike. Tie shoes. Use their inside voices. Driving Bella crazy.
I often wonder what they would have looked like. Dark or light hair. Straight or curly. Daddy’s green eyes or my brown. How tall they would have been. Who would have been the more daring, who might have clung to me a little more.
Today in therapy I looked at their pictures, the ones the hospital took, for the first time in two years. I brought the hospital gown I wore there and the memory boxes with the little booties we’d tried to place on their heads to keep them warm while they were alive. Then I asked my therapist to leave the room for a moment, and I opened the hospital envelope the pictures are still in and sobbed. I held their pictures to my chest and cried and cried for all those memories I’ll never have and the few painful ones I do.
I often feel a sense of guilt that much of my focus ends up on Kaden more than them. So on these days it feels ok – healing even – to just fall apart and remember. Because they were just as much my sons as he was. Just as loved. Just as wanted. Just as missed. I don’t share their pictures much and some not at all because I want to protect what I have of them from the cruelty I have seen out there.
They were perfect. Perfect little people. Ears and fingers. Toes and tiny little bottoms. Perfect little button noses.
19 1/2 weeks. According to our country they are fetuses. Not viable. Not saveable. Not worth fighting about.
And yet both breathed. Moved. Tried to cry. And ended up with birth and death certificates and social security numbers.
So tell me how they can be both not a life and a life.
I’ll never understand that.
My little boys. You are loved and missed. Your lives changed ours. We had a birthday for you today. You both would have loved it. Someone got to the frosting before I took a pic 🤗🤔. Bella ate the cake and Char ate the frosting because they disliked the other part of each other’s. 😂 We sang to you and lit candles that had the same color flame as the candle. Bella blew out your candles. We put your bears next to it and wished you both were here with us. It’s something we haven’t done and I very much want to keep doing. It’s taken five years to get here and I am thankful we were all able to.
Happy 5th Birthday Julian and Preston. One day I’ll get to hold you and mend my forever broken heart. Until then – know there hasn’t been one day in five years your mama and daddy haven’t thought of you.