Ready for some I can hardly believe it news?
I’m the new editor-in-chief of Still Standing Magazine.
Still Standing is a collaborative online site for parents/grandparents/family members who have experienced the loss of a child. It’s also an amazing resource for healthcare professionals and friends of those grieving. It was founded in 2012 by Franchesca Cox, then run for several years by Lori Mullins Ennis (both friends of mine who have lost children and are amazing writers).
I started following SS on a recommendation after I lost the twins. I felt so alone and like a freak of nature with the many feelings I had – reading their stories made me realize I wasn’t alone in this. After Kaden died, SS put out a call for writers and I applied. I started writing there in October of 2013, and in those 4 years, much of the community I have online who have been so supportive came from the writers and readers of SS.
Over the past year or so, I’ve slowed down on writing about loss because I wasn’t sure what to say, but it left me feeling really disconnected from a village I’d been so much a part of. This year has been hard for me emotionally with it all. The twins would have been 5. Kaden would have been 4. I miss them deeply.
The trauma of Kaden’s life and death is something I’ve avoided dealing with on here and even in therapy, and so I’ll be driving down the road lately and BAM all of a sudden there is his little face, taking his last breath, or turning to look at me with sleepy eyes. It hurts so bad I physically have to shake it away to pull myself back to where I’m supposed to be.
You guys know I’ve written for several collaborative sites before (Babble, Military Family, Liberating Working Moms, She Reads Truth, Mom.me) and one I was the assistant editor at. I loved that work. I really love editing things, as weird as that may seem. I love words and expressions. I like being able to share stories from others. I actually had thought this year about applying for some editing jobs, starting a podcast on loss, etc – something outside of just my story but use all the knowledge I have of loss. This could not have been more ideal for what my heart so desperately was searching for.
I’m working with dozens of some of the most talented writers the internet has. These men and women have incredible stories and have faced the hardest parts of parenting. I am honored and blown away to be a part of helping give their voices a platform on a site which has done groundbreaking work to make child loss a topic that the media and more can’t shy away from any longer.
I’d love for you to follow Still Standing on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and if you have any questions you can always email me. The transitions (the current team is still staying on just in different roles) take place Jan 1 and in the meantime, they are doing a great job getting me ready.
This is one of the first times I’ve felt like a small part of what I’ve gone through has a purpose. Not losing them – nothing will ever make me say, “Oh that’s why! Well great, now that we’ve got that cleared up.” But more of a sense of what I’ve searched for – that need to do something with all I’ve been through that isn’t just about my story alone.
It’s so crazy that I never ever wanted to be a baby loss blogger or have anything to do with it. And yet it just kept going. And here we are.
I know everyone says this when something wonderful happens (no, this is not a #blessed deal) – but truly, I can see God’s hand so clearly on this path of mine at times. Even when it hurts. Even when it’s good.