The Serenity Prayer is my BFF

April 21, 2010

I’m a huge worrier. It tends to run in my family. My grandmother, on my dad’s side, worried constantly about everything. We would go out to visit her and the only thing she talked about was how sad she would be when we left to go home. The first day into the trip. :/ Not the most exciting time, although I loved her to death.

I have always worried about everything in life, especially if I can’t control it. So, you know, that tends to leave a lot of stuff for me to worry about.

Right now I have so much going on that I’m feeling like (tell me that you feel this coming) my head is going to explode. You know how much I love saying that. But it’s true.

I’m listing all my worries here, some of which might make you laugh, others which might make you think, “What is wrong with her?” some of which you might relate with. It helps to get them out, as stupid or insignificant as they are. I love to write – it’s so freeing to sit down at night or at Bella’s naps and just pour my thoughts out into this.

I don’t particularly care when real life people start to tell me things I should or shouldn’t do based on what they read about – that bothers me. This is an outlet for my feelings, not a call for advice when I see you. No offense, it just completely weirds me out and makes me want to censor what I write about. I understand its done with the best of intentions, but it’s coming from a lot of different people and it’s a little strange. If I’m not talking about it in real life, I don’t want to talk about it. I do love when someone says, “I found this so true/funny/sad on your blog,” or even just asks to see if I’m doing ok.

So here is my list, and it’s just my thoughts. I worry that:

  1. I will have to put Bella in daycare.
  2. I’ll never find a part time job that pays enough.
  3. Sam will get a transfer before the house sells.
  4. The house won’t sell.
  5. The house will sell and we won’t have anywhere to live yet.
  6. The bank will refuse to let us short sale.
  7. We won’t be able to buy another home right away because of a short sale.
  8. I will move to the city and be the fattest of all my friends, and constantly think about how my thighs are twice the size of theirs.
  9. I will never lose all the baby weight.
  10. My jeans will always need to be damp to fit into.
  11. I will move and not be accepted because everyone I know has more money than me.
  12. I won’t make any friends because I’ll no longer be a SAHM and won’t have time.
  13. I’ll end up in a job I hate.
  14. We won’t have enough money for us to do anything fun.
  15. I will never finish packing this house.
  16. I will regret moving.
  17. I will always have a hint of a double chin.
  18. Bella will miss me while I work.
  19. I’ll never stop being so jealous of every.single.thing. I hate that about myself.
  20. I’ll stop blogging because of it.
  21. The new house won’t be cleanable. Like, where it’s always kinda odd smelling and dirty.
  22. I’ll be overwhelmed with sadness as I say goodbye to my little house.

Negative and sad? Maybe. It’s just how I feel tonight – a bit off because everything is so up in the air. It is so hard to let go and say the Serenity Prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” I say that a million times a day. I have such life changing things coming up. That saying gets me through the days when I think I might implode, explode, or simply plode. 🙂

I can’t even think about working because the thought of taking Bella to a daycare, and watching her look at me as I leave and wondering if she’s thinking all day, “Where is my Momma?” makes me sick. It hasn’t even happened and I already cry over it. My days have become so much more precious because of those thoughts. Yet they seem to go so much faster.

I’m hoping for a job that allows me to take her, even just a few days a week. The worry of that and moving and all these things; transfer, house selling, house buying, finding a job, having enough money – those are stressful and out of my control. There isn’t one thing I can do right now about any of them.

Anyway, my worrying eventually gets less as time goes by and things fall into place. I’m a planner and like to have an order. When everything works out, as it does even if it’s not what I planned, it calms me down and helps me to remember that my way is not always the best way. Nor the right way.

“Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.” ~ Glenn Turner

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