Ain’t called Hormonal Imbalances for nothin’
I understand I happen to be a bit of a drama queen at times. I also know that a lot of well know mommy bloggers have been talking about PPD lately, so let me preface this post by saying I don’t think I have it, I’ll try to not be over the top while explaining, but I would like to share this. Writing is therapeutic.
Bella has an appointment for what seems like a never ending cold and low grade fever. Teething, probably, but we all want to be sure. After her appointment, I’m going to have Sam go run errands while I talk to the Dr. (We see a family practitioner.) I feel – off. After reading all the blogs on PPD and PPA, then looking back on my horrible first few weeks, and how at the time it seemed completely normal to feel that way, I think I need to run some of my thoughts and feelings past her.
I feel guilty all.the.time. About everything. I can’t shake it. I feel guilty when I think Bella needs a nap and the voice inside my head (just one voice, and as far as I know it’s mine) says, “You only want to put her down so you can have some alone time.” Which isn’t true, and I know she’s actually tired, but I can’t seem to get over it.
When I feed her and enjoy it, I think, “But this is one of the only times you really enjoy feeding her because the rest of the times she’s barfing. Hating nursing makes you a bad mother.” I don’t like nursing, I actually dread nursing her because we spend the next hour playing Catch the Vomit. But then I take the time I do enjoy of feeding her solids and turn it into a guilt session.
I feel guilty when Sam comes home and gives her a bath and I get on here to write or comment. I enjoy that but inside I think, “Who needs a break from their own kid? One day you’ll treasure these moments when you have to work and you’ll be so sorry you didn’t spend as much time with her as you could.”
I put her in the Jumperoo and worry that it is the Circle of Neglect and that maybe by having her in there for the 20 minutes I’m on the treadmill that her legs are hurting and she won’t learn how to walk. I put her on the floor for tummy time and can’t leave her side because the cats might scratch her like they did one time when something startled them. And that I’m hurting her neck by laying her like that. I put her on her back and the flat head voice starts in.
Then there’s nighttime. The worst. She still wakes up from 3am on, and cries. I’ve tried everything. Sleeping in the chair next to her crib. White noise. Paci. Patting. Bringing her back to our bed to co-sleep (which oddly made her even angrier). So the last few nights I let her CIO because I thought maybe she just needed to wear herself out to stay asleep. IT NEVER STOPS. She cries, and cries, and cries, and I’ll fall asleep and wake up to crying – not knowing if she just started or never stopped. All through it I think, “What if she dies? How would you feel then? What if she vomited all over herself and it slid down her neck and she’s in there laying in and crying because she smells it? What if she chokes and you can’t hear her? How will you feel once you have to go back to work and you miss her all day long, but you didn’t want to get up at night with her?”
I feel like I am slowly losing my mind. All night I listen with dread for the monitor to go off, for those horrid little red lights to start going up with her yelling. I feel so guilty that I don’t even want to get up and start the never ending cycle of putting her back to sleep.
If I play with her, the thoughts are, “You only play with her so you won’t feel guilty about putting her in the Jumperoo when you want to clean. You should spend every minute with her.” That’s insane – I can rationalize the fact that Bella needs alone time and she needs to see me doing other things besides entertaining her. So I put her somewhere to play and go clean, and spend that time torturing myself with thoughts that I only “found” something to clean so I don’t have to be with her.
Which isn’t true, but it seems true… I have no idea. I’m just done feeling like this and need to talk to someone. Does anyone else feel like this all the time? So far I haven’t really read about anyone who feels like this.
I know a lot of people are probably reading this and thinking, “Seriously, you need to calm down and get over yourself. Just stop feeling guilty, you’re doing fine, she’s fine, yada yada.” I KNOW that, I understand this sounds insane. I simply can’t shake it.