Things I have actually texted to my actual boss on his actual cell phone and no, he’s not actually a jerk. Mostly, he just pretends. Mostly.

June 23, 2010

Ever heard of the Guilty Squid?

What? I’m sorry – did you just say no? ::headexplosion::

Here’s the thing – you know that horrible Slap Chop guy that mixes up tuna and egg and a whole bunch of crap together and then yells something like, “Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life?” You know how once he said that, you were like, “OMG. That’s the reason my life is so horrid. I have boring tuna!”

I’m the Slap Chop guy today (don’t hate me, my unneeded microphone is awesome) and Guilty Squid is the amazing tuna that you’ve been missing out on. From now on, your life should be a little bit brighter. And come in a water packed can. She is seriously one of the funniest people around.

Please to enjoy:

I know that most of y’all probably don’t know me, but I’m so excited to be guest posting for the lovely and gracious Diana. She’s been one of my Twitter faves for a while now, and I enjoy counting her as a tweep. So, when she asked me to guest post here I was excited.

But, I’ve been stumped. I’ve had all kinds of different ideas for what to write about here, but I’d get halfway through before I thought, “Nope. That’s not the right one for Diana.”

And then I felt all this pressure to give her a fantastic post because she seems to think I’m entertaining, and so then I felt pressure. I’d don’t really like pressure. Unless I was in labor. Then the pressure meant “THE END IS NEAR” and so that one wasn’t so bad.

Then, just was I was about at the end of my rope, my boss hollered at me and I hit upon my post for you guys. This is called, “Things I have actually texted to my actual boss on his actual cell phone and no, he’s not actually a jerk. Mostly, he just pretends. Mostly.”

I have a unique relationship with my boss. He’s the kind of guy that I can call a jerk to his face and he laughs and all is well. He’s wicked smart (but don’t tell him I said so) and can multi-task like a mofo. (Note: I’ve promised not to curse in this post, because I like Diana and she said it might be too hard core for y’all. And by hard core I’m pretty sure she meant Bad Ass, and so even though I’m all certified in that, I’m going to give it a whirl. Oh, and my point was that if you see something like “mofo” and you don’t know what it means and you’re thinking of Googling it, then let me just say, DO NOT. It means “awesome”. Always. No matter what. Or nice. Or maybe sweet. You know, anything that sounds like it means something positive is what it means.)

So – what was I saying? Oh yeah, my boss. He’s basically like someone I don’t mind being around and getting paid for it. So, to my boss? You’re welcome.

Last year, no one realized it was my birthday on my birthday and randomly, and without warning he yelled out, “Hey! You jerk! It’s your birthday.” To which I replied, “Aw, don’t go being all mushy and stuff. I’ll get a tear.” Because that’s how we roll. And really? My birthday wish is the best way to describe the dynamic we have – he called me a jerk for my birthday and I loved it. He’s an avid Republican, so I sometimes use that to my advantage. I do love to randomly text him random things whenever I’m feeling the least bit random.

WHEN: My boss’s wife made my daughter’s birthday cake. Which prompted this text exchange:

Me: I let my kids have cake for breakfast. Also? My son would like to eat at your house. Not just for a onetime invite. Forever.
Him: Glad it went well. I’ll bring him some scraps sometimes.
Me: My 3 year old nephew tried to stab another kid with his fork for trying to eat some of his cake.
Him: Assault. The sign of a really good cake.

WHEN: He was stuck on a nature retreat with all of the muckity mucks.

Me: I bet you’re having fun.
Him: I just gave a presentation. It was awesome.
Me: We heard the applause and awes from here. We thought maybe you’d been kick out.
Him: You know I’m coming back, right.
Me: Don’t threaten me.

WHEN: I was running late to work. One of the many times.

Me: Mother Nature is making me late and is also trying to kill me. Probably.
Him: Don’t text and drive.
Me: (sent from my desk later): I wasn’t. I was stopped. It’s called being considerate to save you from worrying that I had been in a horrible accident.
Me: You’re welcome.

WHEN: I left work early to go get a tire “really quickly” from his favorite discount tire place in town.

Me: I have to have a special ordered tire.
Him: But of course you do.
Me: It’s crazy! Cheap is NOT $192. Or maybe it is, I don’t actually know. So maybe they are getting me an awesome tire.
Him: How many miles?
Me: For what?
Him: The TIRE.
Him: The NEW one.
(Okay, and I got to hand it to him there, because I was SO starting to text back that I didn’t keep track of all the miles on my one tire, so whatever. And then he KNEW and sent me that. The jerk.)
Me: That lasts 60K.
Me: My head is starting to hurt.
Me: I need a certificate for my tire? Where would I find that?
Me: Oh, never mind. Evidently, they give the certificate to ME. Who knew?
Him: Everyone else but you.
Me: True fact.

WHEN: Pretty self explanatory, really.

Me: I want to go to a workshop on tact and professionalism. It’s here in town.
Him: I prefer you tactless.

WHEN: He had to take time off.

Me: OfficeJerk really likes it when you’re gone.
Him: What a coincidence. Me too.
Him: Tell him to get to work.
Me: I can’t. My eye is twitching. And who takes a woman with facial tick seriously? Nobody, that’s who.
Him: They don’t take you seriously when you aren’t ticking.
Me: I’ll read that when my eye stops twitching.

WHEN: The office full of geeks got a new server and the boss was gone.

Me: We’re trying to name the server.
Him: Tell them “bob” and get back to work.
Me: “They” really want a theme. They are REALLY into it.
Him: Again, get back to work. Bob.
Me: Fine, got it, Chester. *I* wanted mobster names.
Me: They are picking constellations. Ugh.
Him: Why did you even TELL me about this?
Me: I’m bored.
Him: Bet it would be nice if there was someone there to tell you to get back to work.
Me: I know, right? Slacker.

WHEN: I was late. Yeah, it’s kind of my thing.

Me: I’m probably going to be late. My child broke her shoe this morning and evidently, she can’t go to school shoeless.
Him: Shoes are a luxury.
Me: Apparently, it’s a “rule” at school. I blame the Democrats.
Him: Well done. Take your time.
You can visit Guilty Squid on her blog at Thank you to her for the very funny guest post!


  • Tweets that mention Things I have actually texted to my actual boss on his actual cell phone and no, he’s not actually a jerk. Mostly, he just pretends. Mostly. | Hormonal Imbalances —

    July 23, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by meredith blumoff, Guilty Squid. Guilty Squid said: This story I wrote a while back for @lifeasaSAHM about my boss? I could add to it EVERYDAY. […]

  • Janelle

    June 23, 2010 at 9:53 pm

    For such a random blog post topic, I was laughing my head off. Thanks!

  • Heidi K

    June 23, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    TOO funny. This totally made me miss my old boss. She and I had a crazy relationship like this. We didn't text, but we'd send emails back and forth all day long. You are very lucky to have such a great boss. Thanks for guest blogging!

  • CaneWife

    June 23, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    Guilty Squid for president! What more can I say?

  • Minka

    June 23, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    Awesome. Very funny – thanks for the guest post on here!

  • thewifeychronicles

    June 23, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    Oh gosh those were hilarious.

  • Danita @ Finding My Spark

    June 23, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    Fabulously awesome. You've outdone yourself Squid.

  • Chelcie@Forever&After

    June 23, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    Sounds like an awesome boss to me! I needed a good LOL.

    And? You must google "mofo" an then google the slapchop remix YouTube video. Do it!!

  • Nikki

    June 23, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Too funny! It's nice to have a good work relationship.

  • Raising Madison

    June 23, 2010 at 10:59 am

    Oh my gosh. This is absolutely hysterical. I love it!

    The tire exchange is my favorite.

  • Bethany

    June 23, 2010 at 10:02 am

    LMAO! I loveeee the last one! It actually made me laugh out loud, waking my daughter from her slumber in her swing lol go figure. Thats funny though!

  • Captain Cleavage

    June 23, 2010 at 10:00 am

    ZOMG! Awsome!! lol

Comments are closed.

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