Things I have actually texted to my actual boss on his actual cell phone and no, he’s not actually a jerk. Mostly, he just pretends. Mostly.
Ever heard of the Guilty Squid?
What? I’m sorry – did you just say no? ::headexplosion::
Here’s the thing – you know that horrible Slap Chop guy that mixes up tuna and egg and a whole bunch of crap together and then yells something like, “Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life?” You know how once he said that, you were like, “OMG. That’s the reason my life is so horrid. I have boring tuna!”
I’m the Slap Chop guy today (don’t hate me, my unneeded microphone is awesome) and Guilty Squid is the amazing tuna that you’ve been missing out on. From now on, your life should be a little bit brighter. And come in a water packed can. She is seriously one of the funniest people around.
Please to enjoy:
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I know that most of y’all probably don’t know me, but I’m so excited to be guest posting for the lovely and gracious Diana. She’s been one of my Twitter faves for a while now, and I enjoy counting her as a tweep. So, when she asked me to guest post here I was excited.
But, I’ve been stumped. I’ve had all kinds of different ideas for what to write about here, but I’d get halfway through before I thought, “Nope. That’s not the right one for Diana.”
And then I felt all this pressure to give her a fantastic post because she seems to think I’m entertaining, and so then I felt pressure. I’d don’t really like pressure. Unless I was in labor. Then the pressure meant “THE END IS NEAR” and so that one wasn’t so bad.
Then, just was I was about at the end of my rope, my boss hollered at me and I hit upon my post for you guys. This is called, “Things I have actually texted to my actual boss on his actual cell phone and no, he’s not actually a jerk. Mostly, he just pretends. Mostly.”
I have a unique relationship with my boss. He’s the kind of guy that I can call a jerk to his face and he laughs and all is well. He’s wicked smart (but don’t tell him I said so) and can multi-task like a mofo. (Note: I’ve promised not to curse in this post, because I like Diana and she said it might be too hard core for y’all. And by hard core I’m pretty sure she meant Bad Ass, and so even though I’m all certified in that, I’m going to give it a whirl. Oh, and my point was that if you see something like “mofo” and you don’t know what it means and you’re thinking of Googling it, then let me just say, DO NOT. It means “awesome”. Always. No matter what. Or nice. Or maybe sweet. You know, anything that sounds like it means something positive is what it means.)
So – what was I saying? Oh yeah, my boss. He’s basically like someone I don’t mind being around and getting paid for it. So, to my boss? You’re welcome.
Last year, no one realized it was my birthday on my birthday and randomly, and without warning he yelled out, “Hey! You jerk! It’s your birthday.” To which I replied, “Aw, don’t go being all mushy and stuff. I’ll get a tear.” Because that’s how we roll. And really? My birthday wish is the best way to describe the dynamic we have – he called me a jerk for my birthday and I loved it. He’s an avid Republican, so I sometimes use that to my advantage. I do love to randomly text him random things whenever I’m feeling the least bit random.
12 Comments
Tweets that mention Things I have actually texted to my actual boss on his actual cell phone and no, he’s not actually a jerk. Mostly, he just pretends. Mostly. | Hormonal Imbalances — Topsy.com
July 23, 2010 at 5:12 pm
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by meredith blumoff, Guilty Squid. Guilty Squid said: This story I wrote a while back for @lifeasaSAHM about my boss? I could add to it EVERYDAY. http://bit.ly/azPpL3 […]
Janelle
June 23, 2010 at 9:53 pm
For such a random blog post topic, I was laughing my head off. Thanks!
Heidi K
June 23, 2010 at 8:26 pm
TOO funny. This totally made me miss my old boss. She and I had a crazy relationship like this. We didn't text, but we'd send emails back and forth all day long. You are very lucky to have such a great boss. Thanks for guest blogging!
CaneWife
June 23, 2010 at 6:55 pm
Guilty Squid for president! What more can I say?
Minka
June 23, 2010 at 5:06 pm
Awesome. Very funny – thanks for the guest post on here!
thewifeychronicles
June 23, 2010 at 3:04 pm
Oh gosh those were hilarious.
Danita @ Finding My Spark
June 23, 2010 at 2:15 pm
Fabulously awesome. You've outdone yourself Squid.
Chelcie@Forever&After
June 23, 2010 at 12:54 pm
Sounds like an awesome boss to me! I needed a good LOL.
And? You must google "mofo" an then google the slapchop remix YouTube video. Do it!!
Nikki
June 23, 2010 at 11:31 am
Too funny! It's nice to have a good work relationship.
Raising Madison
June 23, 2010 at 10:59 am
Oh my gosh. This is absolutely hysterical. I love it!
The tire exchange is my favorite.
Bethany
June 23, 2010 at 10:02 am
LMAO! I loveeee the last one! It actually made me laugh out loud, waking my daughter from her slumber in her swing lol go figure. Thats funny though!
Captain Cleavage
June 23, 2010 at 10:00 am
ZOMG! Awsome!! lol
Comments are closed.