Things I have actually texted to my actual boss on his actual cell phone and no, he’s not actually a jerk. Mostly, he just pretends. Mostly.

Ever heard of the Guilty Squid?

What? I’m sorry – did you just say no? ::headexplosion::

Here’s the thing – you know that horrible Slap Chop guy that mixes up tuna and egg and a whole bunch of crap together and then yells something like, “Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life?” You know how once he said that, you were like, “OMG. That’s the reason my life is so horrid. I have boring tuna!”

I’m the Slap Chop guy today (don’t hate me, my unneeded microphone is awesome) and Guilty Squid is the amazing tuna that you’ve been missing out on. From now on, your life should be a little bit brighter. And come in a water packed can. She is seriously one of the funniest people around.

Please to enjoy:
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I know that most of y’all probably don’t know me, but I’m so excited to be guest posting for the lovely and gracious Diana. She’s been one of my Twitter faves for a while now, and I enjoy counting her as a tweep. So, when she asked me to guest post here I was excited.

But, I’ve been stumped. I’ve had all kinds of different ideas for what to write about here, but I’d get halfway through before I thought, “Nope. That’s not the right one for Diana.”

And then I felt all this pressure to give her a fantastic post because she seems to think I’m entertaining, and so then I felt pressure. I’d don’t really like pressure. Unless I was in labor. Then the pressure meant “THE END IS NEAR” and so that one wasn’t so bad.

Then, just was I was about at the end of my rope, my boss hollered at me and I hit upon my post for you guys. This is called, “Things I have actually texted to my actual boss on his actual cell phone and no, he’s not actually a jerk. Mostly, he just pretends. Mostly.”

I have a unique relationship with my boss. He’s the kind of guy that I can call a jerk to his face and he laughs and all is well. He’s wicked smart (but don’t tell him I said so) and can multi-task like a mofo. (Note: I’ve promised not to curse in this post, because I like Diana and she said it might be too hard core for y’all. And by hard core I’m pretty sure she meant Bad Ass, and so even though I’m all certified in that, I’m going to give it a whirl. Oh, and my point was that if you see something like “mofo” and you don’t know what it means and you’re thinking of Googling it, then let me just say, DO NOT. It means “awesome”. Always. No matter what. Or nice. Or maybe sweet. You know, anything that sounds like it means something positive is what it means.)

So – what was I saying? Oh yeah, my boss. He’s basically like someone I don’t mind being around and getting paid for it. So, to my boss? You’re welcome.

Last year, no one realized it was my birthday on my birthday and randomly, and without warning he yelled out, “Hey! You jerk! It’s your birthday.” To which I replied, “Aw, don’t go being all mushy and stuff. I’ll get a tear.” Because that’s how we roll. And really? My birthday wish is the best way to describe the dynamic we have – he called me a jerk for my birthday and I loved it. He’s an avid Republican, so I sometimes use that to my advantage. I do love to randomly text him random things whenever I’m feeling the least bit random.

WHEN: My boss’s wife made my daughter’s birthday cake. Which prompted this text exchange:

WHEN: He was stuck on a nature retreat with all of the muckity mucks.

WHEN: I was running late to work. One of the many times.

WHEN: I left work early to go get a tire “really quickly” from his favorite discount tire place in town.

WHEN: Pretty self explanatory, really.

WHEN: He had to take time off.

WHEN: The office full of geeks got a new server and the boss was gone.

WHEN: I was late. Yeah, it’s kind of my thing.