I feel guilty even writing this. Like I’m doing something dishonest.
Lately, a lot of people I know have been traveling. My brother and his girlfriend went on a 3 week tour of Europe, my old friend and his girlfriend live overseas and travel all over the place, and some of my single friends are hopping from state to state.
At times I wish it was me.
I always wanted to travel. I know I got to go to India and Singapore, and I’ve been all over the US, but there is a part of me that wanted to live in my car while road tripping through the country, and then working to save enough money to go to South America, Australia, Europe, Russia…
I see pictures on Facebook of all the places these people have been; the beautiful scenery and places, the food, buildings, the different clothes and cars and home. I just fell into wishful thinking, that Sam and I had gone to do that before buying a home and having Bella.
The strange part it, part of me put off getting pregnant or buying a home for so long because I always felt like I needed to get traveling “out of my system” before doing the rest. I remember telling Sam when we moved here, “Are you sure you want to buy a house? Because it means we can’t travel anymore with the extra expenses.” We did anyway, because we didn’t travel together much as it was.
If we had waited to have Bella in order to travel, we would have never had a baby. We couldn’t afford to have both. When I got pregnant, I thought to myself, “I won’t even want to travel once I have Bella, she’ll fill that part of me.” She filled my whole heart, but the travel part is still there.
I’m not jealous (really – and that’s unusual), I’m happy my brother got to go and have such a great time, and that my friends are out doing things. It’s doesn’t have anything to do with them, just me.
I love my life here, I know that many people out there are searching for what I already have and I feel incredibly blessed. I wouldn’t trade Bella in for a trip around the world – even on days when she hasn’t napped, pulls my hair, throws a temper tantrum, and flings her paci across the crib 16,000 times while screaming and blowing angry raspberries because it’s bedtime. Even then.
But there are times I think, “Hmm. I kinda wish I would have squeezed that in.” Not that it can’t ever happen – just the chances, and the money, are a lot slimmer now. I feel a little like a terrible mom for even thinking about it, although I’m sure it’s normal.
Is there anything like this you feel the same way about? Something you wished you had done before “settling down”?