When I was 17 I had sex for the first time. With Sam.
And my parents found out.
That was on of the worst moments of my life.
A friend’s dad told mine about his son “confiding” in him that we were sexually active, and he felt it was his duty to let my dad know about it. I was promptly marched upstairs, my mother called in, and point blank asked about it.
My dad said he already knew the truth so I said we had. Then my mom got upset, and they both just sat there and looked at me in shock.
Already being an evil child, to me it didn’t seem that big of a deal. In all honesty, I never really thought about what it could result in. The blindness of being 17 with no life experience.
I thought it was completely unfair that they told me I couldn’t see Sam anymore, because all my friends were having sex and got to see their boyfriends still. I was furious that my friends dad thought it was any of his business for telling my parents. I hated everyone for “interfering” in something I obviously had under control. I knew what I was doing. I liked babies. It wasn’t that big of a deal.
Until November ’09. When I had Bella. Suddenly it all clicked.
What was I thinking then? How on earth, at 17 with no job, no home, no education, no experience, nothing – how did I manage to have sex and not think it might have resulted in the biggest life change you can ever go through? Where was my brain?
I count my many, many blessings that in spite of how crazy I was, I only:
– had sex with Sam
– never got pregnant
– got to wait 6 years in a marriage until we both made the decision
because a lot of people doing the same thing didn’t get to have any of those things happen to them.
Thinking back, I wish someone had told on me more than just that one time. I did things I hope Bella never does.
Bella’s birth, and the first rough 6 months of her life, has made me more aware of the choices I make. It only takes one small bad decision to ruin a lot. Sometimes I think there should be a redo when you hit your 20’s/30’s and suddenly “wake up” and think, “Oh wow, what was I doing back then?”
I still bear the brunt of what I did in high school by living in this town and bumping into people that just don’t see me as a wife and mother. Or causing my other siblings to have a much more protected (somewhat in a good way) teenage experience. I heavily regret not waiting till I was married to have sex – and not just because it’s part of my faith – because it’s a practical choice. Raising a baby isn’t for a wuss, or for a 17 year old airhead who still thinks an umbilical cord snaps back inside of you like a tape measure after giving birth.
It’s such a huge impact on life, that it should be a choice made by two committed people. So props to you single moms because there is no way. NO WAY. I would have died from lack of sleep 2 weeks in.
There are some things in life you can never take back. As innocent, as unknown at the time as they might be, some decisions and choices haunt you forever, as unfair as it is. Because once you know what the consequences are – you’d never, ever think about doing it again.
Then you have kids and you start living it all over again through them.