When you separate

July 22, 2010

it isn’t always forever. Sometimes you just have to get away from each other for a while.

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that last night I tweeted about leaving Sam and going to my parents with Bella at like 11pm.

Because I know how to keep it classy like nobody’s business.

It all fell apart after a great trip to the place we’re going to live. After finding out that pretty much everyone in the community is AP (attachment parenting), eco friendly, and we live in a very SAHM area, Sam and I were in 7th heaven.

We found the perfect apartment (no on the house – we can’t and even if we could, we might move in another year), signed a lease, died over how quiet and kid friendly our new neighborhood is, and then left for home. We talked of no more lawn maintenance, no more repair on things, a pool, a gym, a flippin’ movie theater (I know, this place is amazing).

But, our current housing situation kept looming over us. How were we going to pay rent and a mortgage until the house sold? It’s been on the market for 3 1/2 months now – how long can we try to swing both payments for? We both got more edgy as time passed in the car.

Then when we got home, Sam went to get Bella’s reflux meds for the next month. $200. We got a notice of a bill due to the Dr, and another from Children’s Hospital with more on the way. I realized we have a deposit, rent, and mortgage all due on the first of next month.

It was too much.

We started bickering, then arguing about the stupidest things possible. “The Dr. recommended soy and we don’t feed Bella soy, but you didn’t say anything to him so does that mean you think we should?” I mean, lame-o things that had no point in being discussed.

So then it got to the point where both of us were so worked up, stressed out, and not communicating in any way except yelling, pointing fingers, and interrupting, I finally left. I woke up Bella, got in the car, and drove off.

I went to my parents and spent the night. They were gracious enough to listen to me sob for an hour about the financial mess we can’t get out of. It’s like every time we turn around – it’s another bill.

Another surprise.

Another disaster.

I know part of it is just life, but it seems like we can’t ever get ahead.

Sam called me about an hour after I left, and we started really talking about life together. How much we loved each other, how a mortgage wasn’t worth sacrificing our marriage over, how Bella needed better than us fighting about a place we’re not even going to be living in 3 weeks from now. 

We agreed to focus on the future together, not the past. When we move, we do the best we can until we simply…can’t. Then we’ll go from there. We made a promise not to drag the mess that is this place into our new home – somewhere we are both excited to live and begin a new life.

On a fun note, we have a darling 2 bed, 2 bath – 10 square feet less than our current home – waiting for us. It’s in a quiet area with a gorgeous mountain view, a perfect neighborhood for a young family.

Farmer’s markets, small locally owned shops, yoga, big parks, museums, the zoo – all within walking distance or just a few minutes of us. We can stay with one car because Sam is so close to work (and I actually will get the car during the day!). Our rent is less than our mortgage, our bills are less – just moving saves us $600+ a month. Yeah – crazy.

I’ll be working part time taking 1-2 kids a few days a week that are close to Bella’s age. Surprisingly, I’m actually really excited about this, as she’s beginning to show a huge interest in other kids and socializing. I can set my own hours, days, and holidays – and I’ll make enough for us to live comfortably while paying off student loans. I’m pumped to have a paycheck again while being with my baby all day long.

Also? Thanks for all the Twitter love. You guys are so sweet – it blew my mind to log on an hour after tweeting about leaving and have like 78 people send their concern and love. <3

13 Comments

  • Cindy @ This Adventure, Our Life

    July 25, 2010 at 9:46 pm

    Diana, I was following twitter and I am glad to hear that everything is going okay. I wanted you to know you were in my thoughts although I did not write. Life is a bit complicated right now. I hope the next few weeks go smoothly for you, they say moving is like on the top 3 things that put stress in a marriage. I am happy to hear about your new place and adventures to come 🙂

  • harmskills

    July 25, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    sounds great! look forward to reading more about the move, the new job, life closer to stuff and with the car. sometimes the worst brings out the best.

  • Erin

    July 25, 2010 at 9:23 am

    Hi, I’m pretty new to your blog but I couldn’t help but say you are definitely not alone in this department. The stress of money can really do a number on a marriage. I have no “words of wisdom” to offer, but I will say that it sounds like you are trying your hardest to work through it and do what is best for your family. Good luck.

  • Alexia

    July 25, 2010 at 12:08 am

    Oh man, I feel your pain on this one. My husband and I have only been married a little over a year and are sixth months into parenting and it is really really hard (like couples therapy hard). Everyone says marriage is work but what no one tells you is that the hardest part is figuring out how to weather the storms and remain connected as partners. Money, work, bills, stress…they’re always going to be there, we can’t get around them, but we can choose not to let them be the driving forces of our lives. Our husbands, our children, our quality of life, they are the things we have to focus on. Sounds like you two are back on the right track and the move is going to be the best thing for all of you. I wish you all the best with it Diana!

  • thenextmartha

    July 24, 2010 at 10:59 pm

    Sounds like you two are doing what you can as a team. In the end that’s what matters. Sometimes how you got there doesn’t. It happens to everyone. Hugs.

  • Law Momma

    July 24, 2010 at 7:30 pm

    I was so happy to see this post!!! Money is the devil… seriously. I feel you on this issue as someone who just left behind a house and took on an additional rent payment. I don’t know how we’re going to swing it but we’ll swing until we fall, I suppose!! That’s all we can do, right?

    I’m always around if you need me. 🙂

  • lucy

    July 24, 2010 at 10:32 am

    I’ve had several conversations lately (including with my husband who has been divorced once, and my mother, who has been married for 30 years) about how outside stresses make it so difficult to get along when you’re married. It takes work to NOT take out your stresses on your partner. It’s human nature. Just hang in there, you guys will get through it.

    Also, I switched to WordPress several weeks ago and lost all of my subscribers. I hope you can come back over and resubscribe!

    Have a beautiful weekend with your sweet family.

  • mama23bears

    July 23, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    so happy to hear you talked & are moving forward…together! i know it’s hard but it sounds like you have an amazing husband and found an awesome place to live! things will start to get better, just keep your head up!

    interestingly enough, i was working on getting my daycare license when i found out i was pregnant last year. i put it on hold because i knew i could face pregnancy related complications. i don’t think i want to be licensed anymore but have been thinking of taking a couple kids. it’s such a great way to be able to stay home while making $$$!

  • Tweets that mention When you separate | Hormonal Imbalances — Topsy.com

    July 23, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Bloggernaut, Diana. Diana said: When you separate: it isn’t always forever. Sometimes you just have to get away from each other for a while. If yo… http://bit.ly/akYqja […]

  • Anne @ A JD + Three

    July 23, 2010 at 11:39 am

    I think finances sometimes require alone time. We have had our share of financial issues since I was laid off and it took us a while to get past the “we don’t have enough for this” phase. I am so glad you two talked it out and you are right, a mortgage is worth a TON less than a good marriage and life partner.

    I am so happy you found such a great place to live and and income that suits your family. Keep your head up and I would love pics when you are settled 🙂

  • metta1313

    July 23, 2010 at 10:29 am

    Man, I wasn’t around last night and you know if I was you would have had a long email from me in your inbox. But man, I’m so glad you and Sam talked and worked through it all. That’s the key to being in a marriage…communication and knowing when you need a breather before coming back. I think the hubs and I are starting to communicate better since having Abigail, b/c it’s all about what’s best for her and holding grudges just won’t cut it. So happy this had a happy ending!

  • Jess@Straight Talk

    July 23, 2010 at 7:20 am

    Honey….I’m so sorry! Money is a necessary evil and it IS so frustrating that it causes so much strife in a marriage. I’m just so glad that you guys both realized that it’s not worth sacrificing each other. My heart and prayers are with you guys. Your new place sounds amazing!

  • Mrs. MidAtlantic

    July 23, 2010 at 6:37 am

    Yup. Sometimes you just need some air to realize what’s truly important.

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